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How
Bad Did Buddy Suck in 2006?
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Old
Quigman comics re-used: 40
Re-used Quigmans written by Mike Stanfill: 16
Quigman gags written by collaborators:
57
Quigmans drawn by flunky: 38
Percentage of original Quigman material
for 2006: 60% |
Key
Yellow
= joke originally written by Mike Stanfill, then illegally re-used.
Red = Joke written by collaborator.
Green = Quigman drawn by flunky.
Blue = Re-used Quigman.
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| 1-2:
"She was a lovely woman. What struck me first about her was
her fist."
1-5: "I think he's showing us
how laughter is the new crying."
1-6: "I appreciate you being tight-lipped
about our make-out session, but not while it's actually happening."
1-7: Police line-up with nerds - "So
which one of dese guys tampered with your bits?" (Szyszka)
1-9: "You call this an engagement
ring? It's got a giant lump of coal on it!" "Oh, yeah?
Well, where do you think diamonds come from?"
1-10: Butterfly - "I don't know,
doc ... I have this overwhelming fear of being pinned down."
(Szyszka)
1-12: "What's with the human finger-shaped
french fry? Is it left over from Halloween?"
1-13: Guy in jail - "It says:
'You may already BE a winner.'" (Previously
used 7-21-99)
1-14:
Visual gag - Bob gets eaten by car. (Previously
used. Date unknown)
1-17: "Captain, I'm in trouble
up here on Hill 42! I need reinforcement!" "Sarge, you're
a good-looking man, always well-groomed, good sense of humor, snappy
dresser... is that enough?" (Previously
used 6-14-97, 7-28-2000 and 2-11-05)
1-21: How you
know the People's Choice Awards have too many categories - "...and
the winner is ... green olives with those little red things in them!"
(Previously used. Date
unknown)
1-23: "I wouldn't
worry about it, Frank. With a personality like yours, you're in
no danger of identity theft." (Culbert)
1-24: "Try to calm down, ma'am.
Now just exactly how was the steak smothered?" (Parkin)
1-26: "What they don't tell you
is that between Skull Island and the Empire State Building, experiments
were done. Basically, I'm the love child of King Kong and a guinea
pig."
1-27: "I hate to disagree with
you, Thag, but i think it's more logical to pillage BEFORE we burn."
1-28: "Wow, I am impressed! I didn't
know you had any friends, Marcy." "I don't. I made her
in wood shop."
1-30: "Alright, maybe you're not
giving me the full-on tough love, but it sure feels chewier than
usual." (Rocco)
1-31: Bug Motor Company - "We're
all very proud of our design on this model., and here's something
you'll like: no windshield!"
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2-2:
"You know I live by the sword, Susie. Unfortunately, we're
living in a gun culture."
2-3: "Who cares if this is our first
date? Let''s just go to my place and start the lovin'!" "Your
ad on match.com said you liked long walks. Why don't you take one
of those now?"
2-6: "I'm so deeply grateful for
this Nobel
Prize, which I so deservedly won for assembling that pesky IKEA
coffee table." (Later re-used 7-11-07)
2-7: "In her mad pursuit to become
Friday Night Ball Caller at Bingo, Agnes takes things a little too
far." (Szyszka)
2-8: "I do not have a gamblin' problem!
I'll lay you 3-to-1 odds I can quit!" (Parkin)
2-9: "I've
been having suicidal thoughts lately, Doc." "In that case,
from now on you'll pay in advance."
2-10: Clown - "Yowch! My neck is
killing me! Call a doctor!" "Oh, relax, Klunko. You probably
just slept funny." (Later re-used 7-14-07)
2-11: Nudists - "I had the dream again ... I'm walking down
the hall in high
school and everyone's pointing and laughing .. and that when
I realize -- I'm wearing all my clothes!" (Szyszka)
2-13: "With
my new medication, I find I'm having less of those weird animal-related
thoughts." "That's cool. Well, I guess I better be getting
back to work." "If you leave I will hunt you down and
kill you with a chicken."
2-14: "I'm proud to say I keep
my anger safely bottled up.... Oh, no, Jimmy! Stop! That's my anger
bottle!"
2-15: Pigs - "I love this new diet
I'm on, Monty. I can eat anything I want!" "Get outta
here!" "Yeah, yeah ... it's great! It's a weight-gaining
diet!"
2-16: Psychiatrist
- ""Well, how can i help you if i don't know where you're
ticklish?" (Martin)
2-17: "You
know I hate to brag, Sylvia, but of the two of us, I possess the
power to turn a man's head." "That's because you walk
up and punch him."
2-18: "Don't spook him, officer.
He's a jumper." (Szyszka)
2-20: "OK, Susie, just because
I have a photographic
memory doesn't mean I have a USB port for your printer."
2-21: Caterpillar - "Check out
the freak! Flappin' around with the totally clashing outfit! Hey,
Nancy Boy! Where's the Mardi Gras?!"
2-22: Tragically, Bob's lazy eye soon
spread to the rest of his face. Doctor - "You've got lazy face,
Bob."
2-23: Freud In Therapy - "It's
nice to have someone else attach wildly deviant subtext to everything
I say for a change."
2-24: "Sorry, Gwen ... our politics
are too different. Unlike your precious current administration I
have an exit
strategy."
2-25: Revenge of the Puppy (This was
one of the very first Quigmans, making this a 22-year-old joke.
(Last re-used on 2-8-99)
2-28: Cat - "Could you take this
back? I ordered the chocolate
mouse." |
3-7:
"Watch out, Margo! Ever since they put in a bar we've had these
rolling
blackouts."
3-10: "It's our son, doctor... he's
lost the will to leave." (First used 7-19-99,
later reused 9-15-07)
3-11: "I don't care about your age
... I just wanna know your square footage." (Previously
used 10-1-01) (stanfill)
3-14: "This is an ideal apartment
for the bachelor who's still tied to his mother. It's actually shaped
like a womb."
3-15: "Hello, everyone ... we're
Bobby and the Adequates. If at any point our tepid background music
distracts your delicious meal, feel free to chuck it at us."
(originally used 11-3-2001)(Sander)
3-17: Doctor - "That's funny ...
every organ in your body has seized up ... except for your failure
gland." (Orrontia) (originally
used 8-11-01)
3-21: "That's
okay, Ralph... I'm sure she was just intimidated by your robust cleavage."
(Szyszka)
3-22: "Whaddaya mean 'assault'? I helped
the guy! He's been wantin' to break
into television for years!" (Previously
used. Date unknown)
3-23: Rats - "Wow... your kitchen
floor is really sticky! I can't move!" "Nothing like a glue
trap to ensure a second
date!"
3-25: Doc - "The bad news is you've got two weeks to live. The
good news is we're going to name the disease after you!"
(Previously used. Date unknown)
3-27: Tasha's love affair with health food and
cleanliness became a reckless obsession when she began guzzling
wheat germ
shampoo.
(Previously used. Date unknown)
3-29: "This may be a simple game
of 'Spin
the Bottle' to you, Bob .. but to us, it's Russian
Roulette."(Previously used 11-14-01)
(stanfill)
3-30: Clown couple - "Excuse me, dear ...
but I have to go powder my entire head."
(Parkin)
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4-1:
"AARRGH!! This is the worst margarita I've ever had!" "Sorry,
fellas ... but your AA sponsor called and said to keep you guys honest.
So I used near tequila."
4-7: Another debutante ball is ruined
by four-time National
Rodeo Champion Clem Watkins. (Martin)
4-15: "Get a load of Mr. Playdog
over there. I went out with him once ... he's all sniff." (Szyzka)
4-18: "Attention, library patrons!
For the next five minutes it's all you can read!" (Previously
used. Date unknown)
4-20: "With your staggeringly low
credit rating, you happen to qualify for our disinterest rate."
(Rocco)
4-25: Computers - "Wow! Check it
out! It says here that they've invented a human that can think for
itself!" "Get out!" (Szyszka)
4-28: Chickens - "I appreciate the sentiment,
Agnes, but I really don't think chicken
soup is my ticket back to health." (Gary Larson)
4-29: "He's
not user-friendly.
Could I get a free upgrade?" (Szyszka) |
5-5:
Gas Pumps - "Oh, come on, Honey! I can't help it when I get a
gas bubble!" (Szyszka)
5-6: "I call
Pete my dream man." "Why's that?" "'Cause I keep
hopin' he'll disappear when I wake up." (stanfill)
(Last
used 10-22-97, 2-14-2000)
5-11: Butterfly
- "I can't go on, Phyllis ... I've got people in my stomach."
(King)
5-17: Reporter -"Why'd you free all
the biology class frogs, Billy?" Billy - "Read my manifesto."
(Szyszka)
5-24: "Hey!
How come you guys always take the red out?" (Szyszka)
5-27: "I'm attracted to you physically,
but if I didn't know better, I'd say you were a hand puppet operated
by my mom." (Martin)
5-29: "Wow,
I can't believe your fiancee' tried to pass that off as a full carat."
(Szyszka) |
6-1:
"Whaddaya expect? He's a muscle-bound mime. Women love the strong
silent type." (Last used 9-10-99)
6-3: Frankenstein
- "What's a dude have to do to get a shock
treatment around here?" (Szyszka)
6-6: Deke had heard
of something called the "window of opportunity." Unfortunately,
his seemed to be equipped with bars. (Parkin)
6-13: Line of brains
in front of unemployment office - "Dang computers!"
(Szyszka)
6-15: "Is
it not true, Mr. Dumpty, that you have a history of voyeurism and
were, in fact, on private property at the time of the accident?"
(Szyszka)
6-21: "I need
a date with a brain
surgeon like I need another retromastoid, suboccipital craniotomy.
You know what I mean?" (Parkin)
6-22: "Oh,
don't mid my husband. He's just going through his mid-life chrysalis."
(Rocco)
6-23: Nine more
dwarfs rejected by Snow White. [Note: Shouldn't that be "...rejected
by Disney"?] (Hordin)
6-24: Female
giraffes - "Why is it men never look us in the eye?"(Last
used 5-1-01)(Stanfill)
6-28: Bob fails
to realize that screaming in the car with the windows rolled up to
relieve
tension shouldn't be done on the first date. (Szyszka)
6-30: Subtitle:
Something wasn't right that day. "Hello, I'm Osamala Anderson,
and I am an American woman who enjoys parties with infidels."
(Rocco) |
7-1:
FBI - "We haven't pinpointed you yet,
but we suspect one of you is a plant." (Szyszka)
7-8: "The
fertilizer wasn't cutting it, so I decided to try two daily doses
of steroids. It's not quite what I had in mind, but it keeps the
burglars away." (Szyszka)
7-13: "I
used to say: There may be snow on my rooftop but there's fire in
my furnace...now it's pretty much just a clogged flue."
7-18: Smith Barney Rubble - "I'm
telling you, Trog, forget foraging and hunting. I'm talking acquisition
and merger."(Last re-used 3-20-01)
(Stanfill)
7-19:
Nerd holding computer. Screen reads "Please help. Need bandwidth."
(Szyszka)
7-22: Organ grinder
- "I don't know, Bob. The monkey, he's-a gotta more better
stage-a- presence. And you-a stretchin' outta the suit."
(Parkin)
7-25: "The
days of being so-called Boy
Scouts and Girl
Scouts are over! We will shed our gender hang-ups and be reborn
as Uniscouts!" (Szyszka)
7-27: "Ah!
I see you've taken a shine to the Harry Pottery." (Previously
used 12-6-01)
7-28: Ever the
conservation trailblazer, Bob saved his dryer lint and had it knitted
into new suits. (This gag is about 20 years old) |
8-2:
"Why are you freaking out so much? It's
just a water pistol!" "Yeeaaaah!!! You're using tap water!"
8-5: "What's wrong with
billy?" "He just found out his IPO failed to go public."
(Szyszka)
8-12: Francine's
newly installed security dweeb alarm begins to pay for itself."
(Stanfill) (First used 2-11-93. Last used
5-12-1997)
8-24: Sick of
needless expense on perfume, Francine prepared for her night out
by rolling around on her magazines.
8-31:
"I'm proud to say it's been three years and I have not touched
a drop of workahol." (Rocco) |
9-2:
Bob's motel was so cheap he received a wake-up
letter.
(Previously used, date currently unknown)
9-5: "Bob has the most
amazing photographic
memory. You wouldn't believe ...ooh! Here they come!" (Previously
used 4-2-98)
9-7: "Why, yes, as a matter of
fact, I AM an astronaut. But how did you know that?" (Stanfill)
(First used 3-7-95. Last used 10-6-01)
9-11: Yet another devastating side effect
of global
warming: Ned lost the urge to order Baked Alaska. (Rocco)
9-12:
Caterpillars - "I wouldn't bug her if I were you, Stan. She's
goin' through the change!" (Szyszka)
9-13: "Well,
well, look who comes crawlin' home after three years. Deadbeat
Daddy Longlegs!" (Rocco)
9-16: Dog Facts
of Life - "Remember, son, since we sweat through our tongues,
never french
kiss after you jog."(Previously
used, date currently unknown)
9-21: The Evolution of Television. (Stanfill)
9-23: "Best seeing-eye
dog I've ever owned." (Stanfill)
9-27: (Two stop
signs at bar) "I don't know, Lisa. I just don't see our relationship
going anywhere." (Szyszka)
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10-3:
"I can understand the foot
fetish, Dan, but now you've paid the price ... athlete's face!"
(Previously used 11-5-05)
10-9: "'I
need my greens', Willie
Nelson said, as police arrested him today for a van full of spinach."
(Hardin)
10-11: "King-of-the-road Stan ruled
with an iron fist. Prisoner-of-the-feeder Bob gripped the side of
the on-ramp with a blinding fear. (Parkin)
10-14: Ken regrets ordering the Farmer's
Slam at Denny's (Szyszka)
10-20: Cop to ghost
- "You're lyin' to us, aren'tcha? You know who killed you. I
can see right through ya!" (Szyszka)
10-24: Environmental
archeologists. "Pottery
buried for 5000 years! Didn't those jerks know anything about biodegradable
packaging?" (Stanfill)
10-28: A high-strung
game of emotional poker. (Peviously used
10-10-2000)
10-30: Speed limit
enforced by witchcraft.
(mascafe)
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11-1:
Vampire - "Sure, I drink blood. All the best vampires
do, but to be honest, I've never cared for the taste."
(Szyszka)
11-2: Victoria's
Real Secret - "Yeah, dis is Victoria. No, we ain't got no more
of da Evening in Bermuda in a size 8." (Stanfill)
11-4: "Ladies and gentlemen, I give you:
' The Chiggen!' Our new, genetically fused creature that lays eggs
wrapped in bacon." (Szyszka)
11-9: "Shhh!
Quiet, ladies! We've just spotted the elusive blue-blooded, wing-tipped,
gold-carded, Rolex-banded, mansion monkey." (Stanfill)
(Previously used 4-12-2000)
11-22: Doctor - "No doubt about
it, Bob. you're infected with tiny fighter
planes. What's worse... you're a carrier." (Stanfill)
(Previously used 6-26-2000)
11-28: Cringe
Rock (Parkin) (Previously
used 10-21-2000)
11-29: "Well,
Quigman, there's something to be said for a man who shows up late
but tries extra hard to make up for it.... you're fired!"
(Parkin)
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12-4:
"I told you a million times, Edna, I'll take a time-management
course when I can find the time." (Bonno)
12-5: Lou's Garage
- "If it ain't broke, we haven't worked on it." (Parkin)
(Previously used 12-2-02)
12-7: "Don't
be so impressed. Rumor has it he takes pesticides. (Previously
used 2-6-02)
12-8: The first
and last stunt show of Emil Knievel, Amish daredevil.
(stanfill) (previously used 5-12-2000)
12-13: "I feel a presence from the
netherworld. Oh, wait ... someone's trying to break in. I'm gonna
have to put you on ball waiting." (Previously
used 1-18-01)
12-15: "I've never seen a woman mace
a man that quickly. Y'know, Suzie, this town needs a sheriff."
(previously used 5-3-02)
12-16: "Gee, I'm sorry, Pretty
Boy Floyd, but when you get right down to it, you're not really
all that pretty." (Last re-used 10-3-2001)
12-19: The Dragons at home - "Darn
it, Harry! That smoke alarm is driving me crazy!" (Last
re-used 6-12-02)
12-20: "We've done it, Bob! We've
discovered nitroglycerin!" (Stanfill)
(Last re-used 2-4-02)
12-21: "I'm gonna be so mad when
my mood elevators wear off." (Previously
used 6-7-02)
12-23: "Mom! How come Suzie gets
a dolly and I only get a lousy sweater?" (Previously
used 12-25-01)
12-26: "Hey, hey, hey! How am I supposed
to kiss you if you keep holdin' your nose?" (Szyszka)
12-27: The shame of being hooked on phonics
-"C'mon, Teach! Lay some vowels on me!" (Zeirhut)(previously
used 9-27-01)
12-30:
"You have a compound, compound, compound, compound, fracture,
fracture, fracture, fracture." ( Previously
used 1-2-96 and 5-9-00)
(Stanfill) |
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