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| How
Bad Did Buddy Suck in 2007?
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| Old
Quigman comics re-used: 96
(That's over three month's worth)
Re-used Quigmans written by Mike Stanfill: 10
New Quigman gags written by collaborators:
29
Total Percentage of new Quigman material created
by Buddy in 2007: 60% |
Key
Yellow
= Joke originally written by Mike Stanfill, then unethically re-used.
Red = Joke written by collaborator.
Blue = Re-used Quigman.
Orange
= Miscellaneous sloth
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1-1:
Rat at modeling agency - "I'm not saying you don't have great
teeth, but...first of all, have you ever tweezed in your life?"
(Previously used 10-31-02)
1-2: Bob
found that the combination of angel food and deviled eggs caused not
only gastroenteritis but also a deep inner spiritual turmoil. (Walden)
(Previously used 2-8-02)
1-3: "It's the ultimate grab for attention
as Marcie takes the word "blazer" literally." (Previously
used 4-23-02)
1-4: Super Intendent -
"Whadaya mean your hot water doesn't work? Get real! I gotta
planet to save, schmucko!" (Stanfill) (Previously
used 11-16-2000)
1-5: Lassie coveres here hindquarters (butt).(Previously
used 1-23-02)
1-6: "I like Frieda. I know she's not all
that attractive...but she has lots of cute friends, which makes her
cute adjacent." (Previously used 7-3-02)
1-8: Mr. Potato
Head: "All right, who else wants a piece of me?"
(Jones) (Previously used 3-25-02)
1-10: "So, this is why you wanted to have
me cloned." (Camp) (Previously
used 8-18-01)
1-13: Frank's performance
is about to be panned. (Previously used 1-25-02)
1-17: "I'm very lucky! I'm over 40 and
I've still kept most of my hair." (Previously used 2-26-02)
1-20:
Smokey the Bear - "I ate that Give a Hoot, Don't Pollute Owl.
And I picked my teeth with his little protest sign." (Previously
used 6-21-02)
1-23:
Lesser known Egyptian Queen Heifertiti carried a lot of weight. (Previously
used 10-9-01)
1-24: Jowles looking at cactus in drink "Now that's what I call
a dry martini!" (Previously used 8-7-01) |
2-2:
"I've thought about this for a while, Darla, and I'd like to
take our relationship to a previous level." (Stolen
from The Onion, 11-28-06, Issue 48.28)
2-10: "The days of being so-called Boy Scouts and Girl Scouts
are over! We will shed our gender hang-ups and be reborn as Uniscouts!"
(Szyszka)
2-15: Crabs - "Mom! Billy's pinchin' me!" (Szyszka)
2-21: Kung-Fu, the Slacker Years: "OK, Grasshopper. Like, snatch
the brewski from my hand, dude." (Kallenberg)
2-22: Ghost Rider As A Kid: "I love it when he gets angry."
(stepanoff) |
3-6:
Simon's lifetime trust in his Lucky Charms abruptly
comes to a close. (Previously used 9-28-01)
3-8: "Look, ma! It's the
Statue of Limitations!" (Previously used
9-24-01)
3-10: Jurassic Trailer Park -"What is it
about trailer parks that always seem to attract huge meteors?"
(Stanfill) (Previously used, exact date
unkown)
3-13: Dog Guru - "I leave you with this
chewy table scrap of wisdom, my friends ... 'The toilet bowl is half
full."' (Rocco)
3-15: Clinically Insane Ventriloquists - "Okay,
class, today we'll learn to throw the voices in our heads."
(Brown)
3-23: Man: "I want change." Tollbooth lady - "Cut your
hair, lose 30 pounds and move to Wisconsin." (Parkin)
3-27: American False Idol - "What happened, Totem? We used to
worship you." (Stepanoff)
3-29: "He certainly takes after his father, doesn't he?"(Prevously
used 6-24-87) (Stanfill) |
4-6:
Cracker Jack pops the question -"I realize I'm no prize, Dolores,
but I can offer you all the candy-coated popcorn and peanuts you want."
(Previously used 7-19-01)
4-11: Man with
huge hands---"As an actor, your style is a little heavy-handed,
Steve...Have you ever considered a career as a grip?"
(Previously used 5-8-02)
4-12: Fun Fact:
Before the first violins were perfected they were strung with cats.
(Previously used 9-26-01)
4-14: Phil - "What
would you like for your birthday, Honey?" Wife - "I don't
know, Phil. How about a divorce?" Phil - "Ha! That's a good
one, Honey. But you know I can't spend that much." (Previously
used 9-21-02)
4-17: "Whoa!
Check out the chalk outline. Must be another attack by the Mad Steamroller
Killer." (Previously used 4-15-97 and 7-24-01)(stanfill)
4-21: "I know
it's an unconventional body style, but this baby can sure fishtail."
(Previously used 9-3-02)
4-23: "Where's
the cards? This isn't what I thought you guys meant by Texas Hold
'em." (Rocco)
4-28: Skeleton
girl - "Does my butt look big to you?" (Szyszka)
4-30: Furious George
- "Steal me from Africa, will ya? Take THAT, Man With the Yellow
Hat!" (Rocco) |
5-4:
Einstein in Therapy; "Don't get smart with me!" (Previously
used12-16-02)
5-8: "You taught me a cool lesson, Ugly Yeti! Shaving, showering,
and wearing deodorant is whack, girl!" (Stepanoff)
5-10: "These people are having the time
of their lives. They're young, good-looking...guess those days are
over for us...eh, Sam?" "We never had those days, Bill."
(Previously used 9-12-02)
5-11: Cave woman
to friend - "Watch out for Thor..he's so unpopular with the ladies
he has to beat 'em down with a stick." ( Previously used
9-11-02)
5-18: "I...I
think I love you, Lisa..do you feel the same connection with me?"
"I'm sorry...all circuits are currently busy...please try again
later." (previously used 8-15-02)
5-19: "Mom!
There it is! The yellow loser doll with the crooked tail! You gotta
buy me all 800 Quigie-mons." (Previously used 9-13-01)
5-23: "Not only am I a commercial-free
bum, but at the hundred dollar level, you get my free CD, 'Will Work
for Funk.'"( Previously used 2-27-02)
5-26: Chicken:
"Friends, I give you Mad Chicken Disease!" (Szyszka)
(Previously used 8-20-01)
5-31: "When you can't afford insurance,
we do a different kind of bypass operation...we bypass you."
(previously used 7-23-01) |
6-8:
"You'll have to forgive Winthrop. He's part cat."
(previously used 12-27-02)
6-9: "I can't believe you stay so thin. Every time I see you
you're chewing on a cookie." "It's the same cookie, and
it's rubber." (Szyszka)
6-12: One last Paris Hilton joke - "It's
not so bad in here, Tinkerbell. My prison friends made me this cell
phone out of soap. But the signal is whack." (Respess)
6-15: Bum holding sign towards beautiful young
girl- "If you lived with me, you'd be home by now." (Previously
used 10-4-02)
6-16: Baby monitor - " Baby loves mommy better than daddy, doesn't
he? Yes! 'Cause daddy's a big, fat loser! Yes, he is!" (Previously
used 10-28-02)
6-20: Louie's Pork Hut. Sign on door- "Sorry, we're open."
(Original print date 9-17-02)
6-22: "Not only is my new girlfriend here
twice as bright as the last one, but she has a flicker-free, high-resolution,
flat screen head." (First used 6-5-02)
6-23: "Why are you sliding the bill towards me? I thought you
said dinner was your treat." "It is my treat! It's my treat
to have you pay." (Hordin)
6-26: Mideast Film Fest - Big Muhammad's House, Taliban Nights, Can't
Hardly Kuwait, Raging Bush, etc. (Respess)
6-27: Onions at home - "Oh, don't mind him. He cut himself shaving
this morning and he's been crying all day." (Szyszka)
6-29: "Ever since
Mother turned 50 she's been goin' through the change. On the upside,
we've got fewer bugs." (Previously used
2-15-02)
|
7-7:
I'm leaving the circus, Mom and Dad. I'm running away wit a CPA firm.
(Previously used 3-17-98) (Stanfill)
7-11: "I'm so grateful for this Nobel Prize,
which I SO deservedly won for assembling that pesky IKEA coffee table."
(Previously used 2-6-06)
7-13: "No, you've got me all wrong. I love
you. I need you. I want to spend the rest of my afternoon with you."
(Previously used 6-14-02)
7-14: Clown - "Yowch! My neck is killing me! Call a doctor!"
"Oh, relax, Klunko. You probably just slept funny." (Previously
used 2-10-06)
7-16: "I'm sorry, sir, but it appears that the IRS has garnished
your lunch." (Previously used 7-21-03)
7-18: "Some
say I'm an overly protective mother, but I say hey! You can't be too
careful, so I had Billy and the twins laminated." (Previously
used 2-26-98 and 1-21-04) (Stanfill)
7-19: Dog doctor - "Your tests look good,
but I'm keeping you here for a few days, 'cause your nose is warm."
( Previously used 10-14-03)
7-20: Suzie's Used Tires and Fresh Wisdom - "It's funny how tires
resemble their owners...yours, for instance, are bald and overinflated."
(McHugh)
7-21: Recycled Plastic Surgery (Previously
used 7-26-01) (Carlin)
7-23: He's seen butterflies do it a thousand
times, but when Bob emerged from HIS cocoon...he remained the same.
(Previously used 7-22-03)
7-24: Roland was equipped with an internal governor that automatically
shut him off if he ever approached honesty. (Previously
used 4-22-03)
7-26: "All those in disagreement with me say 'So long gainful
employment'." (Previously used 8-4-2000)
7-27: Cat - "What's so fancy about this
feast?"(Previously used 11-15-03)
7-28: "How do you like your room, son?
I had it winterized for ya." (Previously used 12-14-01)
7-31: "Lemme guess. You were a test-tube
baby, am I right?" (Originally syndicated about 1989)
|
8-1:
"Don't you think we've had a storybook romance, dear?" "Only
if you're the wicked witch and I'm the flying monkey." (Originally
printed 7-30-02)
8-7: Gunter was so cheap and selfish, he trimmed
his moustache with the climate-endangered razor-billed auk.
(Previously used 11-30-02)
8-9: Attack of the Real Estate Developers from
space. (Previously used 6-6-95, 6-17-2000) (Stanfill)
8-10: "They say the eyes are the windows
to the soul, Freddy. Good thing you're wearing shades." (Previously
used 5-9-02) (schechter)
8-14: The danger of urban slang. "What's
goin' on? I told you two to 'get busy'!" (Previously used
9-6-02)
8-17: "My nurse found out you weren't insured,
so I just filled all your cavities with putty."( Previously
used 12-8-03)
8-21: "It says here you were a fire juggler...your
reasons for being laid off?" (szyszka)
(Previously used 1-31-02)
8-24: "Yeah, I used to be a saint bernard,
but i started drinkin' from the barrel, passed out on an avalanche
victim...and they took away my sainthood. (Previously used
6-12-03)
8-28: "After observing rats in bikinis
for years, we feel very close to finding the cure for the summertime
blues." (Originally used 9-11-03)
8-29: "I'll be the coalition and you be
the shiites, you be the sunnis, you're a kurd, you're a baathist,
you're a marxist and you're countless smaller cells." "Say
what?" "Just shut up and surge." (This is a
modified version of the same gag from 2-4-88 and 1991) (stanfill)
8-31: Chimp - "You think you have it bad...
I was the first monkey in space and I can't even get a driver's license."
(Previously used 10-29-03) |
9-4:
"As we gaze at this, the last photo of circus acrobat Bob Quigman,
I think we can all say he created quite an impact." (Previously
used 8-6-03)
9-5: "I object, your honor! I request that
the sight of opposing cousel in his tightie-whities be stricken from
my memory!" (Previously used 12-13-03)
9-8: "Hi, Fancine! It's me, Bob. I've evolved
into an immense consciousness that encompasses the cosmos...now will
you date me? (Previously used 7-9-03)
9-11: Sign on truck - "Warning: Driver
makes wide turns, weaves insanely, and careens off cliff." (parkin)
9-12: Dingo Baby-Sitting Service. (Previously
used 12-17-02)
9-15: "It's our son, doctor... he's lost
the will to leave." (Previously used 7-19-99, 3-10-06)
9-18: We get out what America gets into. (Hardin)
9-19: Judge- "Whoa! When did I become so,
like, judgemental?" (Previously used 8-9-03)
9-20: "If you don't stop floundering, Blevins, I'm going to have
to skin you, filet you and grill you up with some lemon juice."
(Previously used 12-12-02)
9-25: "I can't believe how cruel I've been
to you people. In all the hubbub I must have outsourced my soul to
India." (Gygli)
9-26: More feared than any cowboy. Catboy's
lethal weapon was his ability to rub people the wrong way.
( Previously used 8-2-03)
9-27: "You're very lucky, my friend. I'm
Dr. Scruffy and I originated the 'licking the wound clean' technique."
(Previously used 5-8-03)
9-28: "Check out Skippy's new trick, son.
I taught him to retrieve a file." (Previously used 12-4-03)
|
10-3:
"I'm getting mixed signals here! First, you say you never wanna
see me again, then you say you'd like to see other people! Which is
it?"(parkin) (Previously used)
10-4: "That's just Bob. He drinks like
a fish." (Previously used, somewhere around 1990) (Stanfill)
10-5: "Why are we still married, Agnes?"
"I'm drawin'a blank, Hubert...I can barely remember yesterday."
"Oh...well, there's your answer." (Previously
used 1-23-03)
10-6: Sid Schmedley's Ice Sculpture (melted)
: "Hoo-boy...this looks like one of those art openings where
you had to be early." (previously
used 8-7-03)
10-9: Judge - "I've seen some low tactics
in my time, counselor...but dressing your client up as a sad clown..."
( Previously used 10-16-02)
10-12: "She's wearing colors that in nature
usually signal 'I am an alluring yet highly poisonous tree frog, beware!'"
( Previously used 5-23-02)
10-13: "Isn't that cute? The miniature
fire department is rescuing that tiny cat from my bonsai tree."
(Previously used 7-15-02)
10-16: "I think we've found something in
your price range - the 1994 Ford Attempt." (Previously
used 5-21-02)
10-18: "Greetings! I'm Senator Bilgewater
of the House Appropriations Committee. I'll take the TV!"
(Previously appeared 10-20-02)
10-20: "This DVD actually has a commentary
from the director, cast, crew, their relatives, trash collectors and
a bug that was almost swatted during the shoot." ( Previously
used 8-5-02)
10-23: "See what happens, Billy? Next time
you'll wash your hands when they're covered with jelly."
(Previously used 9-5-03)
10-24: Ernie-"What's the deal, Frank? Ever
since you got a girlfriend you never call anymore." Frank -"Hey,
it's nothing personal , Ernie. It's just that when you're a couple,
you realize you're superior to everyone else." (Previously
used 3-13-03)
10-25: In a frantic attempt to escape her frozen,
stale mariage...Marsha tries to find the "force quit" keys
on her husband." (Originally appeared 12-1-03)
10-26: "Sorry, we had to return your checks
and charge you a lot because you didn't have enough after we charged
you a lot for not having enough."
(Hordin)
10-29: "I'm not regarding you with judgemental
disdain...I had a botched eyebrow lift." (Originally
debuted 6-20-03)
10-30: SpongeBob SkinnyJeans (Rocco/Gygli)
10-31: "Let's see... pushing 40 in a family zone... no marriage
license... ignoring signs of aging... I'm afraid I'll have to write
you out a ticket to Cosmo." (Previously
used 2-15-96, 11-17-05) (Stanfill)
|
11-1:
Brainbuster - "The multicolored landscapes were nice, but I was
deeply disturbed by the giant ex-wife with stinging tentacles."
(Previously used 6-27-03)
11-3: It wasn't what Bob had expected when he
was asked to assume a position on the company's board. (Previously
used 1-7-03)
11-5: "OK, you know what? There's no sense
arguing with you if you're just going to be right." (Gygli)
11-9: "I've been reconsidering my career
choice, Chief...and what I really want to do is direct."
(Previously used 6-24-02)
11-10: "You call that intimidation? Top
moguls can sneer with their eyes...you people look like you snuck
up from the mailroom and killed someone." (Previously
used 10-23-03)
11-13: "I'm the top dog, she's the queen
bee, and he's the pint-sized, blood-draining leech." (Previously
used 11-3-03)
11-14: "I like your treatment, Mr. Poe.
The pendulum I get, but you lose me on the pit." (Previously
used 2-19-03)
11-15: "No, Billy! The saying is: 'If you
love something, set it free.' not on fire." (Previously
used 9-19-03)
11-16: "Calling dispatch...This is Officer
Katz...I'm in pursuit of my tail...requesting backup."
(Previously used 10-6-03)
11-17: "The wife said I take advantage
of people. I said 'gimme a break. I'm a friggin' PIRATE! It's a cut-throat
business!'" (previously used 8-22-03)
11-22: Fertility clinic - "I realize you
wanted your eggs frozen, Ms. Clucky, but ... a few of us got hungry,
and, well, ,,, do you have any more?"
(Gygli)
11-24: "As you can see, he is no longer
wearing Prada. It's Valentino, people! Hello!" (Rocco)
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12-8:
"First of all, thank you all for being a part of our focus group."
(Rocco)
12-24: "We were worried about your figure,
Santa, so we left you yogurt and rice cakes." (Gygli)
12-27: "How would you feel if you were
the only tangible argument against intelligent design."
(Gygli) |
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