|
 |
Key
Yellow
= joke originally written by Mike Stanfill, then unethically re-used.
Red = Joke written by collaborator.
Green = Quigman drawn by flunky.
Blue = Re-used Quigman.
Orange
= Miscellaneous sloth
|
1-2:
"I don't get it. Every time we make an escape plan, the guard
seems to know about it." (Previously used
12-3-02)
1-3: The danger of dining out with a politician
- "Continuing my solemnly sworn dedication to fiscal restraint,
I am passing the check to you." (Previously used 6-14-03)
1-4: Doctor- "Before we get started, you
might like to know that I'm one doctor out of five who never agrees."
(Previously used 10-14-02)
1-8: The Hamsters at home: Y'know Wendell ...
just once , I'd like to read the morning paper before you shred it
with your incisors." (McKinley)
(Originally syndicated 9-13-04)
1-10: I'd love to show you that crime scene
footage, Bill...but unfortunately, our hidden camera was hidden so
well...we can't seem to find it." (Originally printed
5-4-02)
1-11: "Oh,c'mon, Jimmy! If you're such
a big playboy, why dont you get in the hot tub?" (Originally
syndicated 8-8-03)
1-16: Man to girl duck: "I can't help but
think you only like me for my ripped-up little pieces of bread."
(First appearance 12-21-02)
1-19: The closest Bob ever came to romance was
courting financial disaster. (Original syndication date 10-6-87,
later re-used 5-2-02)
1-23: Ollie copes with post-Christmas depression. (Gygli)
1-25: "I just wanna get something straight.
I'm more than just a pretty face - I'm a spokesmodel."
(Original syndication date 3-28-02) (Szyszka)
1-30: Jowles - "But wait... How does this
fit into my whole socialist agenda?" (Originally
printed 11-7-03) |
2-1:
Al's Discout Tanning - "I'm startin' to
see a little color here, my friend." (Grieco)
2-7: "I'm sorry, Bob. All my emotions are currently serving other
customers. Please try again." (Original print date 1-27-03)
2-11: Cro-Magnon, P.I. - "Don't be so uptight, Higgins! So what
if I wrecked the Ferrari, it doesn't even have wheels!" (Sander)
2-12: "You shut up! I oughta drop you like a sack of potatoes
for that Ashton Kutcher boy!" (Previously used 10-15-03)
2-14: "Think of yourself as Iraq, Bob. I've helped you rebuild
your economy and now it's tiem for me to evacuate." (Original
air-date 10-7-03)
2-15: "I see your attempt at an Emiril recipe
failed, But at least you've managed to 'kick it up'." (First
used 7-9-04)
2-16: "I told you since you lost all that
weight there are certain things you can't swallow...tic tacs being
one of them." (Original
air-date 8-8-02) (Grieco)
2-21: Waiter - "Try not to touch your plates
for a while...they're really dirty." (Originally
syndicated 3-12-03)
2-23: "Actually, Middelman, we're firing you for medical reasons...we're
sick of you!" (Previously used 1-6-88 and 3-22-02)
2-27: Cow, to farmer - "Hey, man, I'm all strung out. You got
an Biofeed? C'mon, man, I know you're holdin'." (Szyszka)
2-28: "I've been feelin' GREAT, lately! My identity crisis was
stolen." (Gygli)
2-29: "You're not gonna believe this...it's spam." (Previously
syndicated 5-19-03) |
3-4: "So,
what do you have that's fresh?" (Szyszka)
3-7: "I've tried paper training the dog,
but he still won't give me the sports section." (Ancient/date
unknown)
3-6: "Hey, I think my headache's cured." (Tyler)
3-10: Superman-like super-hero, Super-Delegate
(no caption) (Respess)
3-13: "I had this rearview mirror installed so I can see if society
is tryin' to sneak up on me." (Original air
date 8-2-02)
3-14 Satan - " Do you have anything for someone who's good with
a pitchfork BESIDES farming?" (Originally
debuted 2-4-03)
3-15: "I don't think I can be a blue-collar dude with you guys
anymore ... I'm starting to wear this outfit ironically." (Origination
date 3-29-04)
3-18: "Order! Order! Counselors will refrain from conducting themselves
in this manner!" (debuted 7-6-02)
3-20: "Listen, you gotta nice face, but you ever considered
microdermabrasion?" (Szyszka) 3-25: "That's
our proudest mutation yet ... a buffalo chicken. We breed 'em for Pizza
Hut." (Debuted 5-13-04)
3-28: A sign that carbophobia has spiraled out of control. (Original
appearance date, 4-20-04)
3-29: Bulls - "I don't know, he's just been acting really agro
lately." (original air date 11-8-04) |
4-1:
Elimidate - "I'm sorry Ginger,
Coriander, Paprika...I'm picking Mrs. Dash for my date 'cause she
seems to combine all your exotic flavors." (Original
appearance 6-4-03)
4-3: Doctor - "Y'know what... I got my surgery degree online,
so... I'd really be more secure if I could use a mouse." (Original
syndication date 6-9-03)
4-4: Gave self permission to fail. Please help. (Original syndication
date 12-15-03)
4-8: "Say, that is one sweet lookin' toupee, Budha. Makes you
look three reincarnations younger!" (Original syndication
date 9-1-04)
4-10: "Wow...I can actually SEE your free-floating
anxiety waiting to attach itself to something negative." (Original
syndication date 3-6-03)
4-12: "Unhand her! Sorry, we're fillin' in for Spiderman, who's
on a publicity tour. I'm Head Lice Man and this is Dung Beetle Boy..." (Original
syndication date 7-4-02)
4-18: "There was too much patriotic baggage as a bald eagle, but
as a hair-weave eagle, I can swing." (original syndication date
8-18-03)
4-19: "Don't worry about Rover 2000... his
bark is bigger than his bite." (Technical fuck-up. Original 2003
punchline said "gigabyte." (Original
release date 12-30-03)
4-22: She - "I just hate the way you feign ignorance whenever
you're accused of something." He - "Oh, geez! What is THAT
supposed to mean?" (Later re-used 3-10-03)
4-26: "Why don't you lollygaggers join the army? That's the trouble
with kids today...No backbone!" (Original print date 6-6-02)
4-30: "Check it out ... they're grooming Johnson for V.P." (Original
air-date 10-22-04) |
5-5:
Clown - "No,
this is actually my real nose." (Original air-date 4-18-05)
5-6: "Sorry about that, Mr. Dunphy...but in times of war, there's
always a certain amount of civilian casualties." (originally syndicated
11-16-01)
5-7: Policeman - "Did you call for reinforcement,
Reynolds?" "Yeah,
Murdock ...We have a situation here. I heard some noises in the bushes
and I need you to hold me 'cause I'm scared." (previous
uses of this gag: 6-14-97, 7-20-2000, 1-17-06, and 2-11-05)
5-8: Old bald guy sitting at bar with Death standing
right behind him. To girl: "Gimme a break. I'm not THAT old!" (Originally syndicated
5-12-03)
5-9: "Now that you've met me, you must come over and meet my kids,
my dogs, my cats and my needs." (original air date 2-7-03)
5-12: Robot - "I dare say, Blevins, you're insulted my artificial
intelligence." (Rocco)
5-13: Movie called "Rotten Stinking Garbage" -"There's
a huge buzz about this." (Debuted 8-29-03)
5-14: Then -"Hey you guys! Let's start a band and, like, jam!" Now
- "Hey you guys! Let's start a bandwidth and, like, spam!" (original
syndication date 12-18-03)
5-15: "Hey, Benny...you been workin' out? You look really ripped." (previously
used 9-23-03)
5-17: Lucy:"Oh my god! What happened to you, Benny?You look anorexic!" Benny: "I'm
starving myselg until you decide to live me again, Lucy." "Lucy: "Well...you
can never be too thin."(Original debut date 11-7-02)
5-19: Dog - "Will beg for food." - (Gygli)
5-20: "A man is currently being held by police, causing onlookers
to feel 'warm and fuzzy'." (debuted 10-13-03)
5-21: "God, you are so cute...but not in a way I'm attracted to
at all." (original air-date 8-27-03)
5-23: Mona was a little TOO celebrity struck...to
chimpanzee - "Oh
my god, it's you! I see you on the Discovery Channel all the time!
I love you! Call me!" (Original print date 2-22-03)
5-26: "I'm jealous of lovers like you, so I've broken in to steal
a few of your intimate moments."(Original print date 6-16-03)
5-29: When Yami the yoga instructor is threatened
with violence in a bar, he counters with his ujjayi breath. (original print date 6-14-04)
5-31: Enok suddenly realized he was being ordered
around by his music. (previously used 2-10-03) |
6-2: "I
want to give you the moon and the stars, baby, but i'm gonna
need to get a receipt." (first
syndicated 3-31-03)
6-3: Iron Deficiency Man - "Despite all
my accoutrements, I still feel a little sluggish." (Rocco)
6-6: "I bet if I drove a (wooden) stake
through your heart, the souls of your former girlfriends would be
returned to their rightful
owners." (first syndicated 8-25-03)
6-7: Airport - "Attention...do not leave baggage unattended. It
will be immediately confiscated and may be destroyed." Woman to
boyfriend - "Uh, Wait here, Honey. I'll be right back." (Re-used
12-9-02)
6-9: Indiana Jones and the International House
of Pancakes - "Indy,
please! Let the Waitress bring us some syrup." (Tyler)
6-10: After hours
at the Lizard Lounge ..."Hey,
Louis! Didn't you used to be green?" (original
syndication date 7-8-03)
6-12: "I'm wearing my heart on my sleeve
for you, Francine...consequently, I don't have long to live." (original syndication date 8-28-02)
6-13: Lice- "Okay, people! Pack it up
- it''s a weave! We are outta here!" (original syndication date 12-2-03) (Szyszka)
6-16: Earl knew he was in trouble when it really
WAS the gin talking. (original syndication date 10-9-02)
6-17: "Oh, that's Morty ... We caught
him cheatin' on the scores, so we blackballed him." (original syndication date 4-26-04)
6-18: Glass beside bed with teeth and ears in
them - Mr. Spock: The Retirement Years (Original syndication date unknown) (Stanfill)
6-19: Doctor to man with toilet head - "Well,
I can't tell what's wrong with you, but I have to admit, you do look
a little flushed." (Szyszka)
6-20: "Wow, Gus! If I stand close enough
to you I can hear the ocean." (original syndication date 11-14-02)
6-21: It looks like another month of spice
camp for Boris. "You're
throwin' that fennel like a bush league fry cook! Sprinkle gingerly,
magggot! Now, drop and give me twenty!" (Martin)
6-23: "You're wrong about me being stupid. I hold an MBA from
Harvard. It belongs to my friend, but I can hold it." (Original
syndication date 7-10-03)
6-24: He -"Okay, I brought all my tools. Where's all this faulty
wiring you've been whining about?" She- "In your head." (Original
syndication date 6-23-03)
6-25: "I don't worry about other women stealing my boyfriend since
I got "The Club". (Original syndication date 11-22-01)
6-26: "I know he seems closed, but trust me...double-click that
mouse and watch him open up." (original syndication date 5-31-03)
6-27: "I'm sorry, Stu/Phil...but you're part of the whole insidious
cult of male misguided ideas about what women want that taps into my
most primitive fear." (original syndication date 9-30-03)
6-28: "Why do you guys pat each other on the rump after a good
play?" football player "Because our face masks seriously
impede us from making out." (original syndication date 2-3-03) |
7-1: "Before
you start yelling, mom, remember...you could be wounding my inner
child,
which at my age, could be an inner fetus." (original
syndication date 3-1-03)
7-2: "Stop, Bob! Oh, gosh...I HATE what that consumer watchdog
group has done to you." (original syndication date 1-8-03)
7-3: "In lieu of the current gas crisis,
we've renamed it the Bummer." (Palmer)
7-4: After years ofsucking in his gut, an adverse
reaction occurs, and Fred's head balloons to 300 pounds. (Original syndication date
11-19-03)
7-8: Overly judgemental life coach - "You are a sissy man! You're
the worst life player I've ever seen! I'm taking you out of the game!" (originally
syndicated 10-4-04)
7-9: "Whoa! Hey, ease up Magellen! Tell ya what...let's go outside,
sail around the world and try to cool off a little. Eh, Buddy?" (Original
syndication date 9-12-01)
7-10: "Stan Felcher! I haven't
seen you in 47 years! Geez, ya look great, haven't changed a bit!" (Original
syndication date 4-16-02)
7-11: "Before our screening of 'Clude: Portrait of a Schizophrenic',
we ask that you turn off all cell phones, pagers and voices in your
heads." (Gygli)
7-16: "What's the holdup on stem cell research? I advocate it
and I'm a friggin' embryo!" (Original syndication date 8-2-04)
7-17: "You know what, Susie? Everybody thinks they be pimp, but
they just frontin'." (original syndication date 9-6-04)
7-19: "I need to hang up on you, Bob...I don't want to waste my
minutes." (original syndication date 12-17-01)
7-29: "You're a knock-out, Burt...which can be attributed, in
large part, to your eye-stinging odor." (original syndication
date 8-14-03)
7-30: Stan was an unflinching animal rights activist. (original syndication
date 12-26-01) |
8-1: "So
after barber college, I decided that life was meaningless and
the line between right and wrong began to fuzz out." (This
one is originally from the late 80s.)
8-2: "I can't believe
it. I buy her a drink and she doesn't even make out with me. Feminazi's." (Original
syndication date 8-23-04)
8-6: God says "Last Call" - Stanley has a moment of clarity.
(original syndication date 5-30-03)
8-7: "Omigod! The rain! My leather bar is ruined!" (original
syndication date 1-29-02)
8-12: Failure, the new men's cologne that's devoid
of pretense. (original
syndication date 4-2-04)
8-14: Pig - "This is the last straw, Carl! I found this under
your bed. A box full of hickory-smoked pig snouts and ears." Dog
- "That was the OLD me, Honey." (original syndication date
3-8-03)
8-16: "Police say they suspect Tony Edwards, a popular motivational
speaker, of a string of grisly murders...their hope is that all the
people who were inspired by Tony don't start murdering people ,too." (original
syndication date 7-29-03)
8-19: Frog to frog-friend - "I'm telling ya, Nick...you keep up
the hard core club-hoppin', yer gonna croak." (Szyszka) (Original
syndication date 7-25-02)
8-20: "Guess what? You're my first surgery patient EVER! I'm so
excited!" (Original syndication date 3-3-05) |
|
|
|
