4-6-07: I've read that new employees at the Hershey Company are allowed to eat all the chocolate they want. This is allowed because in a very short time they can't stand to to even look at the stuff and, thus, pilferage is minimized. Good idea.

With that in mind, does anyone care to guess how long this 'all you can eat' marriage might last?

On a related note, after reading the Quigmans, I'm still hungry for comedy. Go figure.

Sloth Alert: This cartoon originaly appeared 7-9-01.

4-7-07: I disagree with Bats as this looks like the handiwork of The Slob. Or perhaps The Retardo. Or the Super-Spazzy-Slob-Tard. By that I mean, who else would re-hang pictures slightly askew rather than senselessly destroy them? Although you have to admire the flair of a man who would design and build a flight of stairs to nowhere and then fling himself down them.

4-9-07: In case you didn't notice, this gag clumps four disparate ideas together, none of which have anything to do with one another.

(1) 'Flagrante' means "in the act of a crime". Which has nothing to do with:

(2) Selfishness as a feature (SUV's only) which is seldom packaged with:

(3) The ability to speak. But why only digitally as the vehicle is apparantly sentient? Lastly, what about:

(4) Respiration. What breath is it using to curse under if it's doing it digitally?

Stick to fat jokes, Hick.

4-10-07: This gag is about how much these characters hate hearing about Ms. Smith, while at the same time referring to Ms. Smith, which is something they hate to do but did anyway.

Therefore, the barfly on the right is criticizing the very Quigmans cartoon in which he's appearing.

Why do I have to point this out?

4-11-07: You know what they say about characters drawn with huge hands, don't you? It means that their pain and suffering from elephantiasis is being cruelly lampooned in a 3rd-rate comic strip.

Sloth Alert: This cartoon was previously used on 5-8-02.

4-12-07: See the look on the violinist's face? That's why this gag is "stupido uno scherzo", as the Italians might say. After all, why would anyone be surprised to see a live cat attached to a violin if that was the standard practice for the time?

Now, let's contrast this gag with a slightly different visual. Imagine if the cat had been pleased to be part of the experience and was, in fact, happily purring away. And suppose the violinist was calmly smiling to herself as she played her catstrument. Then the joke would have been pleasantly and amusingly surreal and not just another manifestation of old Hicky-pants' inner hostility.

Sloth Alert: This cartoon originally manifested itself on 9-26-01.

4-13-07: An artist skillled in the craft of caricature might have given a chicken in the midst of 'roid-rage huge biceps, a broad chest, massive legs, and a tight, six-packed abdomen. This one looks like it's ready for the stew pot.

I'm of course referring to the cartoon itself, not the chicken.

4-14-07:Heyyy! Even more hostility as an excuse for humor.

I just checked Google for 'uncontested divorce' and discovered it can be accomplished for less than $500 in most states. If this couple had the sense to hock the couch and TV we would have all been saved the trouble of witnessing the comic version of a bulletless drive-by.

Sloth Alert: Love's more comfortable the second time around....but not old Quigmans. This one first walked down the aisle in 9-21-02.

4-16-07: This jape would have been even less unfunny if old Hicky-pants had bothered to choose a species known for cannibalizing its young. Crocodiles are, on the whole, rather good parents. It's them damn mammals ya gotta watch out for.

4-17-07: Another one of my subtle, nuanced gags from 1987. Ah, them was the days.

Sloth Alert: Originally syndicated on 10-20-1987 but later re-used 4-15-97, 7-24-01 and, of course, today. Yes, it's a 20-year-old gag that's been used four times. Here's a scan of the original cartoon from 1987. You can just make out "stanfill/hickerson" in the signature just above the caption:

4-18-07: Dotcor - "We also believe Simon Cowell has a dimuntive Anne Coulter in his stomach and that she, in turn, has a microscopic Donald Trump inside her stomach. We could continue this farce indefinitely as you'll apparantly swallow anything but, frankly, I simply don't have the stomach for it."

4-19-07: Wait! What?

Our planet is convulsing in the throes of global warming and old Hick is now stumping for the coal industry?

Look, Hick, the idea of 'alternative fuel' means anything BUT coal.

No coal. Ix-nay on the oal-kay. 'Kay?

On a more technical note, Atchinson-Topeka quit using coal in its locomotives by the 1950s, having switched almost entirely to diesel power by that time. In fact, the first diesel-powered units were introduced in the 1930s. That's seventy years ago.

Sloth Alert: This cartoon originally ran off the rails on 8-15-02.

4-20-07: You know this joke is funny? It's because this big, fat guy has a navel so large that almost anything might get lost in it, even a sheep the size of a lawn mower. Get it? He's fat. He's got a big belly-button. There was a sheep in it.

Whoo-hoo! Someone call the Pulitzer people as we have a winner!

4-21-07: At first glance this would appear to have been a joke about SUV's, but old Hicky-pants forgot to draw an SUV. But on further inspection it's obviously a harsh critque of commercial products which offer unconventional appearance and faulty usability.

You know...Quigmans comics.

Sloth alert: This cartoon originally hit the streets in 9-3-02. Whereupon it immediately lost 30% of its value, just like any lemon.

4-23-07: If he's succumbing to homo-panic now, wait until they show him Follow the Queen, Chicago Low, Stud Poker, Big Dog, Skip Straight, Doggie Balls, Mixed Marriage, Big Lick, Good Buddy, Montana Banana or Union Oil.

In fact, it's really difficult to find a poker  reference that DOESN'T sound gay.

4-24-07: Although birds hear just fine, they have no human-type ears, which means the most likely reason this bird is pissed is because the headset is probably stapled to his skull.

Sloth Alert: This cartoon was previously used on 2-27-02.

4-25-07: How could old Hicky-pants possibly have missed the obvious (real) joke here?

'Imaginary clone'.

Ah! That's right. It's old Hicky-pants. Silly me.

4-26-07: And no one gives a shit.

Next!

4-27-07: Remember the good old days of classic cartoons when Elmer Fudd used to shoot Bugs Bunny with giant rubber bands? Or when Jerry the mouse would knock Tom the cat's head off with a big rubber band? Or when the Coyote would splatter his brains all over the Southwestern terrain trying to catch the Roadrunner with rubber bands?

But then along came those liberal pinheads who took all the violent use of rubber bands out of old cartoons, completely ruining them. Thank you, Hick for reminding us that even though rubber bands are still dangerous if used incorrectly they can still be a laugh riot in the hands of a professional cartoonist. Call us if you find one, though.

4-28-07: Why is this skeleton wearing the bikini when it's patently obvious that the only boob or pussy in this cartoon is currently standing in the background holding a beach ball.

Here's what the skeleton should have said: "Does my ischium look more enlarged than usual?"

4-30-07: Gosh, wouldn't this have been great if it had really happened in the book? Think of how much our children would have been emotionally scarred to witness this vicious, sarcastic primate attack this kindly, old man.

No, on second thought, I guess not.

Written by Rocco. Someone who should really know better.