5-7-07: I somehow missed the story which reported that dogs killed by the poisonous ingredients in Chinese dog food had risen from the dead as giant zombies and were systematically wreaking bloody vengeance on their grieving masters. I probably would have it enjoyed it  more than this joke.

5-8-07: This is not a parody of Ugly Betty. This IS Ugly Betty.

5-9-08: I would appreciate this cartoon more if it had a funny little caption at the bottom. (This is possibly the easiest critique I've ever written.)

5-10-07: Does Crankshaft know that The Hick is stealing their jokes? Does anyone care?

Sloth Alert: This cartoon was previously used on 9-12-02.

5-11-07: The actual phrase is "Beat 'em off with a stick", which not only sounds funnier but dirtier.

More to the point, if my classical analysis of old Ally Oop cartoons provided anything it was the knowledge that your most sexually-satisfied cave people, both male and female, were those that were involved in some degree of blunt-force trauma to the cranium, as provided by a bop on the noggin with an object not unlike the stick old Thor here is holding.

In which case, this punchline doesn't make a lick of sense. No surprise there.

Sloth Alert: This cartoon was previously used on 9-11-02.

5-12-07: A poodle hat?

Oh, dear lord! He's stealing material from Al Yankovic. Quick! Someone call Carrot Top and remind him to copyright his best props before the Quigmans begin exploring an endless examination of butt plug gags.

5-14-07: There must be something going around as this gag suffers from zinger anemia.

5-15-07: Syndicates often insist that their artists keep their politics off the comics page. It's not that political discussions aren't warranted in that environment, it's just that so many cartoonists suck at that kind of humor. 'Nuff said.

5-16-07: "Doctor, my husband thinks he's a chicken."
"How long has he been acting like this?"
"Three years, but we needed the eggs."
Barrum-shhh!

5-17-07: This cartoon investigates the inability of children to empathize with their elders. It fails.

5-18-07: "Lisa" shows up quite often in the Quigmans. So much so that I think it comprises a much-too-obvious attempt at snagging a little Lisa pity-poon.

Is it worth it, Lisa? Really?

Sloth Alert: This cartoon was previously used on 8-15-02.

5-19-07: The Quigmans have systematically all-but-eliminated the loveable lamer Bob character from the strip over the past few years, so much so that whenever it drags Bob's carcass out of the deep-freeze it actually has to remind the readers that his character represents a loser with no self-esteem.

I know this seems petty but let's not forget that his full name is Bob Quigman. It's the name of the strip and all, y'see. Kind of important.

Sloth Alert: This cartoon was previously used on 9-13-01.

5-21-07: Well, of course she lives in a gated community. She's rich and needs to keep herself separated from all those damn nig....ohhhh, I see what he did there. How very droll.

5-22-07: I'm imagining that old Hicky-pants was wandering around Disneyland one day, Frontierland to be precise, and happened to stop in front of the Disney Imagineer version of a totem pole as he paused to scratch a boil on his testicles. I'm further guessing he stood there for some time in the warm California sun, his pimples oozing a viscous fluid, fingertips dancing a lively tattoo on his fetid scrotum, when finally he said to himself "There's a really insipid totem pole joke here and I'm going to find it or my name isn't, uh, Buddy. Yeah, that's it! Buddy!"

But I'm just postulating.

5-23-07: You ever have those kind of dreams where everything appears normal but not a damn thing makes sense? Is it really fair of old Hicky-Pants to substitute those kind of dreams for actual humor?

Technical Note: The Grammy Awards no longer have a category for funk music.

Sloth Alert: This golden-oldie was previously released on 2-27-02.

5-24-07: In case you forgot the difference.

hu·mor [hyoo-mer or] – noun
A comic, absurd, or incongruous quality causing amusement: the humor of a situation.

vi·o·lence [vahy-uh-luhns] - noun
Physical force exerted for the purpose of violating, damaging, or abusing.

5-25-07: Compare this cartoon with the one below and the one above. See the difference? It's the shading technique, better known as Zip-a-Tone, which hasn't been seen in the Quigmans for some time. Although I don't have records of the exact vintage this gag it has more than a whiff of Iran-Contra about it.

The other way you can tell it's an old cartoon is that someone, Bob, is smiling. Unless there's some dementia involved you don't see that very often in a Quigman these days.

5-26-07: I don't know why it took me so long to think of this but I have the perfect answer to lame cartoons... Mad Quigman's Disease.

Move over, Jimmy Carter, this is Nobel Peace Prize quality thinkin'.

Sloth Alert: This cartoon previously aired 8-20-01.

5-28-07: Two words: Creee. Peee.

With any luck maybe we'll be let in on the joke, too.

On second thought, never mind.

5-29-07: In case you forgot or don't know, the original joke was "after-life mint" as used in the movie "Monty Python and the Meaning of Life". No one refers to the experience as "after-death" except the Quigmans and the Microsoft "Joke-O-Matic" software program.

5-30-07: "Wow, a fat joke. You don't see that very often in a Quigmans cartoon" the critic said, voice dripping with obvious sarcasm.

And, no, Polly does not want a cracker. Polly wants a double bacon-cheeseburger sandwiched between two Krispy Kreme bear-claws. You know, the Elvis Diet.

5-31-07: This is not a joke, this is news. Old news. Very old news. Michael Moore did it better and funnier in "Sicko".

Sloth Alert: This gag suffered a relapse as it was previously used on 7-23-02.