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| The
Daily Catharsis Monthly, August 2007
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8-1-07:
I don't understand why the guy is so despondent. Every other
weekend my girlfriend dresses up like the Witch of the West
and I put on my flying monkey costume and we have a freakin'
BALL. Between times we sleep...a lot.
And is it me or is that guy's glass levitating?And is it also
me or does that woman have three boobs?
Sloth alert: This gag originally used 7-30-02
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8-7-07:
Remember those old Flintstone cartoons from the 1960s where,
for example, they used pigs for garbage disposals and birds
for record players and epileptic brachiosauruses for personal
massagers? Remember how incredibly insipid those sight gags
were to those of us who hadn't even heard of the word 'insipid'
yet? Well, thanks to the splendor of the Quigmans it's 1963
again, boys and girls, dumb gags and all.
And wouldn't ya just know it. Poor old Gunter has unfortunately
chosen a beast which has a hunger for human flesh. I mean,
the whole left side of his face has basically been chewed
off, including the ear, nostril, and retina.
No one said comedy was easy so, Gunter, we salute you for
taking it like a mensch.
Sloth Alert: This cartoon originally ran on 11-30-2002.
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8-9-07:
I, Mike Stanfill, exasperated ex-Quigmans collaborator,
wrote this gag many years before real estate became the
hot commodity it is today. In that bygone era, the halcyon
1980's, men considered the Earth sacred and freely shared
their land with one another without regard to creed, color,
or location-location-location. Back then only the fiendish
alien mind, and the occasional comic gag writer, could conceive
of a concept so ludicrous as land ownership. But my little
jape was taken to heart by international bankers and now
the dirt beneath our feet has become so rapaciously bartered
that no one can actually afford the meager parcel on which
they now studiously squat.
I guess I shoulda kept my yap shut.
Sloth Alert: This exact cartoon, the exact same art and
everything, has now been used at least four times, completely
unchanged, over the decades. Known print dates are 6-6-95,
6-17-2000, and, of course, today.
 
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8-10-07:
Yeah, it's too bad Freddy's wearing those glasses as they're
hiding about the only part of him that doesn't scream "superficial
poser". After all, you can't spell "self-indulgent
jerk" without "goatee", "earring",
"cigarette", "day-old-stubble", "obnoxious
pompadour", "pinky ring" and "black
turtleneck". Seems to me old Frieda could use some
glasses herself for missing the egotistic forest for the
narcissistic trees.
Sloth Alert: This Quigman joke originated 5-9-02, but that
particular version included the signature of the writer
of the gag, someone named "Schechter". That name
is suspiciously absent in this iteration and the probable
reason is Buddy's legendary inattention to detail. However,
there's also the possibility (Dun-dun-dunnnnnnnnnn) that
someone got slighted on purpose. If you're out there, Schecky-baby,
let us know.
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8-11-07:
Like me, I'll bet you think this punch line feels a bit
truncated. So as a public service here's my best guess at
how the unedited caption should have read:
"Excuse me, young perp, but I do believe you mean 'Do
you know with whom you are fornicating? You are engaged
in sexual intercourse with he who will copulate with your
mother in hell, THAT is with whom you are currently fornicating!'"
Now THAT would have resulted in a few Cheerio's-festooned
breakfast-nook walls.
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8-15-07:
I will, on occasion, call up and share with friends the
latest, astonishingly inane Quigmans comic, much like this
one. I carefully iterate and reiterate the particulars of
the cartoon, painting as accurate a picture as I'm able,
reassuring them that I've left nothing out, hoping they'll
also enjoy the agony of a humorless gag as much as I. Their
reply is usually "Is that it?" followed by an
almost-polite "I gotta go." It's approximately
the same response you get when you invite a friend into
the bathroom to show them your latest turd.
Still with me? Good, 'cause there's more abusive, sophomoric
analysis to come.
This latest comic BM exhibits some peculiar features, not
the least of which is the spectacular set of sweater puppies
borne by the lady in the background. She's not just crossing
her arms in impatience, she's desperately trying to keep
the mammaritic tidal forces, which have evidently already
claimed her neck, from toppling her head-first out of that
chair. If anyone required the ministrations of a quantum
under-wire brassiere, it's this poor dame.
Speaking of unnaturally-occurring curiosities, I need to
go to Hawaii if for no other reason than to see for myself
the 500-foot vampire palm trees as seen in the poster in
the background. Not only are they taller than the nearby
volcanoes, they also leave no reflection. If you lack geological
expertise you might be believe the poster actually describes
a sandy lagoon ringed by miniature volcanic coral reefs.
Either way, don't forget your cameras, kids.
Sloth Alert: This gag originally debuted 9-6-02.
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8-18-07:
Frankly, I think anyone who can't control their own
eyebrows should keep their yap shut about the physical
appearance of others. So just to spite her, let's see
what that frown would look like up side-down.... ---->
Hmmmm, looks okay to me, even with the furrowed uni-brow,
and that mop of hair, and that pock-marked face...Oh
my god! That's Buddy! He's doing self-portraits now.
And he's envisioning women with MAN-HANDS! IEEEEEE!
On a secondary note, what's the deal with her neck?
Are halter tops and black dickies all the rage? Or are
the roiling masses of her vile negativity slowly consuming
her body from the neck down?
On a more salient point, I've been noting for several
weeks that no one smiles in the Quigman. Could this
cartoon be a clue that Buddy has finally begun to realize
what a morbidly bleak venue the Quigs have become?
Nahhhhhhh.
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8-20-07:
This is more along the lines of a threat rather than
a promise. More of a foreboding than a quip.
In actuality, this gag might rather have been more accurately
entitled "Rejected sequel concepts", which
might well have included the two crappy Bourne remakes.
Be that as it may, the good news is that we'll never,
ever see this Quigman again. Calloo, callay, etc.
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8-21-07:
The French refer to this kind of situation as an "idiot
farce" wherein the joke can only work if everyone
involved is a complete slobbering moron. See if you
can guess who the idiot is here. Hint: it rhymes with
"whiter" and "fartist".
Hey! Speaking of whiters, this gag was thunk up by good
old Szyszka, she whom we have not heard much from this
year. I thought for a moment she was back in the old
Quig saddle but this is simply a repeat from 1-31-02.
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8-22-07:
Simpson's did it!
For those of you you who haven't seen every South Park
episode at least four times, just replace "Freddy"
with "Comic Book Guy" and "Lucy"
with "Edna Krabopple" and you've got a fair
indication of what I mean, not to mention a helpin'
heapin' o' plagiarism.
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8-23-07:
Why is old Hicky-pants wasting our time with gags featuring
soda jerks? Time that could be better served whimsically
exploring the humorous avenues of more salient subjects
such as the Wobblies, the lightnin' rod, the internal
combustion machine, or possibly even the Whiskey Rebellion.
Besides, the only people who even vaguely recollect
the hallowed position of soda jerk don't really care
at the moment as they're too busy watching their negative
mortgages advancing upon them like so many brain-eating
zombies.
Twenty-three skidoo, daddy-o!
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8-24-07:
If there had been a second panel it would undoubtably
have continued thusly:
"I could have tried to clear my reputation but
it's easier just to wallow in drunken self-pity. Barkeep!
'Nother round!"
Yes, I know... not funny. Just like the first panel.
Sloth Alert: This round is all foam, having been originally
decanted 6-12-03
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8-25-07:
"But I guess I'm in luck since any normal woman
would have run screaming from the bar before sitting
down at this table. Since you apparantly lack any detectable
degree of common sense you will now acquiescently
sit there, without any thought of hope or respite, for
the next several hours as I relate in microscopic detail
every significant event in my sordid and disreputable
existence. And when I at last drag you home to your
squalid efficiency apartment for some clumsy yet thankfully
brief pity-sex the corruption of your soul will be only
a minor inconvenience compared to the numerous STD's
I will be sharing with you. I also like to collect stamps."
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8-27-07:Oooh,
subtle. This ought to make Exxon and all their antediluvian
buddies feel the heat of the Quigmans awesome editorial
might.
Two things: First, the Earth should be personified as
a female. It's called "Mother Earth", not
"Corporate-Lackey-Male-Wage-Slave-Earth".
Second, that's a wine glass. What kind of self-respecting
characterization would willingly choose to dilute his
pinot noir? On second thought, this explains a lot.
Any real embodiment would have called in his comet friends
a long time ago to take care of his little 'infestation
problem' and relieve his obvious depression. But, nooooo,
evidently all we deserve is a manifestation which chooses
to go gently in that dark, good night. And in a whiny,
petulant, Mogen David stupor.
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8-28-07:
Awwww, isn't that nice? Mr. Scientist is in love. Or,
at least, he feels he's close enough to a possible cure
to be sitting with it in a tree, d-i-s-s-e-c-t-i-n-g.
Possibly even contemplating making a play for second
base.
I wonder if the cure will convert to nerdism?
Meanwhile, in the "accuracy for accuracy's sake"
or the "whutchu talkin' 'bout, Willis" department,
he might have more judiciously announced "We feel
we're very close to finding the cure". It's
the difference between hat and hate, glob and globe,
man and mane, Shemp and Curly.
Sloth Alert: Yes, the search for the summertime blues
continues as the original version of this comic was
released on 9-11-03.
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8-29-07:
Wow! Are you in luck! Today's Quigman is proof of evolution
in action. And it's not because it generally lacks both
intelligence and design.
The gag was originally written by me, the world's crankiest
collaborator, back in February of 1988. Here's what
it looked like back in those days: |
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| But
I wasn't content with that approach so a new version sprung
from my loins a couple of years later, 1991 to be precise.
Here's a scan of it from the 1992 Quigmans book: |
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As
you can see, it's the same old gag as today's Quigman. Only
the name's have been changed, and mine removed.
Incidentally, I would be bereft as a critic if I didn't emphasize
the differences in style of the three cartoons. Whereas most
comics improve with age (Rose is Rose, For Better or For Worse,
Bizarro) and some stay exactly the same (Blondie, Peanuts,
B.C.), I can say almost definitively that Buddy's art sucks
no matter when it was created.
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8-30-07:
I can opine, almost without fear of contradiction, that
we will see this Quigman cartoon again in about, oh,
12 months. About the time that management at Universal
Pictures needs an influx of cash for a fresh supply
of spotted owl tongues and baby ocelot noses for the
executive commisary.
Actually, old Hicky-pants would be doing everyone a
favor if he just ran this same cartoon forever. It's
clear his audience wouldn't notice the difference and
it wouldn't be any less amusing on a day-to-day basis
than the usual dreck.
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8-31-07:
Luckily for us the human in question is easily recognized
as Phil Slaughton of Fiberville, Ohio. He bankrolled
Rent-A-Pinto, greenlighted Ishtar, invented the laser
disc, and okayed New Coke. He's also the guy who took
out a negative mortgage using his mother's kidneys as
collateral so he could invest heavily in a Chinese pet
food franchise. Methinks the chimp should keep it to
himself.
Sloth Alert: This monkey was originally spanked on 10-29-03.
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Possible memes to ridicule |
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Difficulty of encapsualization |
"The Quigmans" are copyright
©2007 Buddy Hickerson and the Tribune Media Company with all
rights reserved and all that legal stuff. Are you really reading
this?
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