The Daily Catharsis Monthly Quigman Comic Archive

4-1-08: Oh, that old Hicky-pants. As hip, as happening and as contemporary as, oh, over two years ago, which is when Elimidate went out of syndication.

Yes, this joke originally hails from June of 2003. Does it make any sense to bring back a lousy joke about an insipid program that only about twelve socially dysfunctional people ever watched and that even fewer remember?

Oh, right... I just described the Quigmans readership.Sorry.

4-2-08: Did you see the recent Futurama movie? Bender's Big Score? There a brief scene at a nude beach where the following bit of dialogue ensued:

Bender: "You know. It's funny...."

Fry: "What?"

Bender: "Your weiner!"

I now have a massive man-crush on this nameless, faceless writer (Hi Ken, David, and/or Michael!) who made millions of people fork over real dough in order to sit quietly and listen to someone say the word "weiner" real loud in THX Surround Sound.

However, to know that old Hicky-Pants got paid real money for using a gag that's found on more bathroom walls than Pariz Hilton's cel phone number makes me want to whip up a large ipecac martini. Hold the olive.

4-3-08: Buddy Hickerson, the be-pimpled succubus who poops out the Quigmans each day, graduated from North Texas State University, as it was then called. His major was art, or so he claims.

Judging from the results, let's count our lucky stars he chose the arts rather than the sciences. However, it's clear he received JUST enough medical training to perform a semi-decent humorectomy. All traces of comedy have been removed from this comic. It will recover but it is nothing to laugh at.

Sloth Alert: Some of you may not know what a "mouse" is as this joke is from way back in 6-9-03. Before the invention of the Retinal Orientation Doohickey, which is now implanted in our heads at birth, we once used primitive hand-held devices to surf for transgender pseudo-porn. Think of it as a transdimensional dextrometer but about the same size as a thermonuclear rectal stimulator.

4-4-08: As they always say: You write what you know.

Tomorrow: Buddy writes about how to flush a toilet. Hopefully. Don't miss it!

Sloth Alert: And the failure just keeps on coming as old Hicky-Pants originally syndicated this gag on 12-15-03.

4-5-08: Little story for you... back in the "bad old days" when I was still hanging out with Buddy I discovered to my astonishment that he was often in the habit of tossing his clothes onto the floor after wearing them. After several weeks his apartment took on the appearance of a Mexican garage sale gone seriously awry, accompanied by an aroma of wet billy goat.

When it came time for him to go out into the big, wide, wonderful world he would duckwalk from pile to pile searching for a shirt that smelled the least repulsive. Sometimes I thought I could hear him mumble to himself "My precious... my precious" while he was at it but I could be mistaken.

So in case you're wondering how anyone could come up with a concept like "Unwashables", now you know.

Secondarily, what I want to know is what the other "recession-friendly" clothing sensations from Old Navy are as the Unwashables are, according to old Hicky-pants, merely the latest.

Actually, forget I asked.

Finally, how can a stench be "miserable"? That implies the stench is pining for the fjords or lamenting a recent break-up with its significant odor (Hah! I kill me!).

Seriously, Buddy, buy a thesaurus. Don't eat it. And for Crom's sake don't wear it.

4-7-08: Taking advice from a dead guy is pretty risky, Biff. If I was you I'd keep your skin right where it is if for no other reason than it's a handy place to store the beer after you quaff it.

Aside from that....

What I really wanted to show you were the following two Quigmans cartoons. These both appeared within the last week:

Notice any similarity between them and the one at the top? Yes, old Hicky-pants is no longer in the comic strip business. He's now syndicating the graphic equivalent of a puppet show. A bad puppet show. But it's far worse than that.

You see, the Quigmans was, from its inception, just a quick knock-off of Gary Larson's The Far Side. However, Larson's genius made the genre seem effortless which is why Buddy quickly began resorting to the expediency of fat jokes.

But look at the Quigmans now.... two characters, a horizontal line, insipid jokes... yes, it's Garfield without the cat. Oh, how the mighty have... I mean, oh, how the lame continue to get lamer.

4-8-08: Is this guy fondling his cartoon manhood? At the same time that he's goofing on cartoon Buddha?

Dude.

Sloth Alert: This Quigmans cartoon was originally syndicated on 9-1-04 which makes this it's second incarnation. It is no more or no less funny than the first time. It just is... lousy.

Technical Note: Buddhism, although acknowledging the concept of reincarnation, is actually a philosophy meant to achieve the sort of enlightment that gets one off the vicious life-and-death cycle. It is, for all intents and purposes, anti-reincarnation. After all, why come back as a game show host when you can play parchisi with the gods until the cows reincarnate into something with big tits and then comes home to fondle your manhood?

4-9-08: Evidently Buddy's been watching Fox News again as that's the only media outlet that thinks "recession" is a bad word. Fox also sides with the White House on the issue of waterboarding (It's not torture, you see) which would have a been a much more appropriate and entertaining punishment to watch Jenna endure than this lame-o "Christmas Story" approach. In fact, a little simulated drowning of the First Children might have restored America's faith in the little quisling.

Pfff, yeah, right.

Now, more intriguingly, do you know what words old George REALLY doesn't use in or out of the White House these days?

"Osama Bin Laden", "Mission Accomplished", or "Ken Lay".

These words are not funny, either.

4-10-08: Speaking of psychotic events, my brother once took a chainsaw and a case of Nyquil and...

What... is that... sticking down towards the man's head? Let's take a closer look:

Two short for a leg, too long for a belly button, wrong direction for a tail. ...

Oh. My. Dog.

This proves one of two things - that either Buddy pays absolutely no attention to what he's drawing or that this psychotic manifestation is badly in need of a briss.

Sloth Alert: The schpeichler door has been open for some time as this gag hit the streets 3-6-03. Mazeltov!

4-11-08: The other things that Thag did not say he was:

Pulitzer Prize-winning kitten-juggler, turd burglar, slap-fighting champion, amateur coprologist, equine hair stylist, toenail collector, chicken-choker, self-styled cannibal, part-time arsonist, Captain of the Sissy-Babies, Official Underpants Inspector, master of farts, and Scientologist.

Oh, that Thag. Always hiding his light under a bucket.

4-12-08: There's "funny" and there's "wacky" and then there's "crying out for attention".

The Quigmans: When you need a little ADHD with your Froot Loops.

Sloth Alert: Like a bad penny, here it is again, as this strip first annoyed a small indiscriminate assortment of comic readers on 7-4-02.

4-14-08: That's a lonnnnng way to go for one lousy Facebook pun.

On the bright side, we'll never see this lame gag again. You see, in 5 years, when Buddy chips this dingleberry off the outhouse wall for resubmission, Facebook will be long gone. Replaced by yet another new and novel social network, or the 2013 equivalent.

So long, Potential Lover, and good riddance.

4-15-08: Here's how you make a stupid joke: First, you take a book title like "Lord of the Rings". Then you add a nonsense word like "cat", but since that's not really enough to make the joke sound stupid you insert a random word like "swinging". Now you're in stupid territory. Then you refer to a book as a "chapter" which raises the stupid level incrementally but measurably. As a coup de grace you use the word "cat" again in the headline in an effort to modify the word "towers" when what you really meant was "cat tree". Now we're talking certified stupid.

Oh, MaGoo, uh, Buddy, you've done it again.

On the coincidental side, I recently wrote a joke for my farleftside.com web site using LOTR as subject material. It was very popular among the geeky set and you can see it here. Lo and behold three weeks later old Hicky-pants syndicates a joke on the same subject. This wouldn't normally apear unusual but I must point out that in all of his years of penning the Quigs old Hick NEVER did a LOTR joke until now. While he didn't exactly steal a gag from me, which in itself is unusual, it's clear he's still picking my brain for source material. This happened once before with a Jungle Gardenia reference I used in the Catharsis section. See date 12-10-07 in the catharsis section.

But tbis really doesn't bother me too much as I'm the charitable type, and I'm glad to do all I can for the humor-impaired.

One last technical note: The typography used in this Quigmans comic is the most sharply delineated in all of Buddys 25+ years in the biz. The art in the 4-14-08 Quig was unsually well drawn, also. I don't know what has possessed old Hicky-pants to suddenly take an actual interest in his art (New girlfriend? Bills to pay? The shocking truth that the Quigs is all you really got?) but this I know... it won't last.

4-16-08: It's so cute watching old Hicky-pants try and write political humor. It's like watching a puppy trying to master fractions. A dyslexic puppy... with a crow bar lodged in its head.

Simply put, no one should be allowed to review Moby Dick if they haven't read the book. Political humor should be left to those who spend their time thoroughly analyzing the subject material not, as Buddy so evidently does, gleaning sound bites from Good Morning America or from the 4:20 afternoon news update from Rockin' John and the Dawg Krew on K-ROCK 107.9.

Secondarily, comic syndicates frown on their daily artists straying into something as unimportant as real life, like politics, but who'd want to read Cathy saying "McCain! Ack! Obama! Ack! I'm fat! Ack! Ack! Ack!" every damn day? So the artist's approach to politics are generally tangential. Sly. Referential. Buddy, on the other hand, simply blows past the argument by reducing the level of the debate to the candidates calling each other "poo-poo heads".

As everyone knows, that's Fox News' job although ABC seems to be fighting them for the patent.

Look at the comic again. Yes, we all know McCain plans to extend the war in Iraq indefinitely, also intending to add Iran to the unilateral mix, but that's like saying grass is green or that McCain is up at 3AM every night because he has to pee. Not to mention 2AM, 4AM, 5AM, etc. But, like incontinence, it's also not very funny. It's sad. All Buddy did was gloss over the obvious, not rebuke it humorously. That is, so I'm told, his job.

And what the hell is "Leatherhead" in reference to? Leatherneck, maybe? If so, why? Yes, it's a football helmet perched on his noggin, and "break right" is a football term, but to what effect? (Edit 4-26-08: It's been brought to my attention that there's a movie currently playing called "Leatherheads". Yes, I really do need to get out more often, but what the fuck does this movie have to do with either politics or McCain?)

And why slap a "MCain" button on a caricature that is plainly John McCain? If an artist is forced to do this because his default demographic is too dim or stoned to recognize the candidate then why bother at all?

Politics is a deadly serious business, often ludicrously so, but that's what makes it easy to parody and satirize. John McCain never met a flop he didn't flip, a rich woman he couldn't marry, a Keating he couldn't Five or a lobbyist he didn't like enough to take home and introduce to his daughter. Anyone who can't make a good jape at the expense of the fattest political target in perhaps decades should seriously reconsider accordion repair as a career option.

4-17-08: Hi there! I would like you to do me a little favor and look over to the right of the white area of this page. See those little ads? Those are G••gle ads. When you click them, I make money. You want to know how much money I've made from the ads on quigmans.com since June of 2006?

$7.97.

That is neither a misprint nor a number conjured out of thin air for comic effect. That is the sum total of my Quigmans.com internet bonanza.

The reason that this sum is so paltry is because no one gives a flying fuck about the Quigmans. Go to G••gle.com and do a search using "the quigmans" or "quigmans" or "buddy hickerson" or "baboon barber". With or without the quotation marks. I'll wait.

Yep, that's this web very site at #1 or #2 in most G••gle search results on the subject of all things quiggish. Both msn.com and yahoo.com favor this site even more, placing it at #1 under almost all circumstances. Regardless of this awesome search engine firepower fewer than two hundred people visit this web site daily. Yes, you are one of a very unfortunate few.

I wouldn't even bother with this site at all except that it gives me such pleasure at pointing out what a major foob Buddy is day in and day out. I'm rather thankful Buddy's too lazy to draw a Sunday comic as it gives my spleen a day off after venting wrathful all week.

The bright side is that I run many other web sites, one of which, farleftside.com, receives upwards of 15,000 visitors a day, and that web site is only two months old. I use G••gle ads on most all of my sites and I made about $5000 in G••gle cash last year. I expect to make a lot more this year.

The lesson? G••gle is good. The Quigmans suck.

Note1: G••gle prefers that site owners not refer directly to their ads as it could be construed as coercion and they HATE that. Thus the use of the little ••'s. (Although what am I worried about? That I'll lose about 30 cents a month?)

Note2: There are no G••gle ads in the Catharsis pages of this web site, for reasons known only to myself.

4-18-08: In a time when massive hissy-fits over flag lapel pins are being pitched by the corporate-owned media I wouldn't casually toss around phrases like "patriotic baggage" if I were you, Comrade Hickerson.

Sloth Alert: This cartoon originally crushed the sprit of humor under the jack-booted heel of oppression on 8-18-03.

4-19-08: This punchline may seem unusually weak, even for a Quigmans cartoon but that's because it's the wrong punchline.

This cartoon was originally syndicated over four years ago, on December 30, 2003. The punchline on that date was "Don't worry about Rover 2000... his bark is bigger than his gigabyte."

See? "Gigabyte" not just "bite". Still not funny but it at least makes better sense.

It's impossible to tell exactly who is the casue of this error but since the syndicates rarely make such a mistake I'm placing all my bets on good old Comrade Hickerson's legendary quality control. Evidently that day's Celebrity Rehab must have diverted his attention more than usual.

On a more technical note, why would comparing the sound a dog makes with a unit of memory management be considered humorous anyway? And when is a growl considered a bark? Furthermore, unless this situation occurred in, say, 1997, Rover 2000 sounds like pretty antiquated stuff. Personally, I prefer the Feline 3000.

Epic suckiness, Bud.

4-21-08: This makes two Apple computer references in one week and two Foggy Mountain Breakdown jokes in a year.

On the first reference, welcome to the 21st century, doof-boy. On the second, welcome to the 19th century, doof-boy.

4-22-08: There's something wrong with the guy's response. Perhaps if she'd asked:

"I just hate the way you act belligerant whenever you're accused of something."

or

"I just hate the way you change the subject whenever you're accused of something."

or

"I just hate the way you confuse opinion with accusation."

or

"I just hate being in a lousy comic strip."

Sloth alert: I just hate having to tell you this but this comic first hated to be viewed on 3-10-03.

4-23-08: I doubt your normal, everyday, typical goob would respond with a smirk when informed that their deviant personality might make them suitable to be president of the United States of AmeriKKKa, unless that person was clearly a numbskull/slacker to start with.

Oh, wait. We already got one of those.

This joke would have been more successful (and by "successful" I mean more useful than absorbent for puppy piddle) if the guy on the couch had been attired in the cliched wardrobe of a thief (black mask, striped shirt, sack with a "$" on it, etc.) or, oddly, a nun. That's just how humor works.... Buddy.

4-24-08: Get outta here you mothers-in-law, beat it you guys shipwrecked on a small island, the heck with you psychologists and your poofy couches. From now on give me drunken bums intruding on quiet, romantic moments for larfs a-plenty.

What old Hicky-pants is trying to say here, in lieu of actual humor, is that love has the capacity to ruin our lives. In truth, stupidity is the culprit in almost all cases. You name it and there's some lout out there that who will surely find a way to bollox up even the sweetest of nocturnal emissions. Like the way certain cartoonists treat their creations like week-old clam chowder.

4-25-08: Today it's Quigmans Situational Cliche #13: Two people sitting at a bar, sharing a drink. According to the records I just pulled out of my ass this makes the 3,357th time it's been used since the new millennium.

Well, maybe not that many times, as my butt ain't quite that big, but this unimaginative set-up gets used often enough to warrant frequent flyer miles.

Now if old Hicky-pants could some up with one more situational cliche: Two people, sitting at a bar, sharing a joke.

4-25-08: This gag seems oddly out of touch, considering how the military is treating our soldiers like week-old dog-turd pizza.

That's because this cartoon is from June of 2002, when the nation was in a patriotic fervor and such bonehead notions as this one were helping propagandize the effort by the military-industrial complex to drum up new recruits for their phony wars.

That old Hicky-Pants ran this only again only proves that he doesnt care which old cartoons he pulls out of the big pile in the corner and resubmits. Any day now I expect to see one about how Saddam Hussein is such a swell guy.

4-28-08: As you've probably deduced by now the phrase "pecking order" obviously equates to "order in which we die by lung cancer here on Planet of the Pigeons".

So what did Jenkins do to deserve such a fate? He seems a like a pretty nice guy but I suppose I could be wrong. Given evolution's long history I would imagine old Jenkins is likely to have his boss roasting on a spit, tout suite, if he has to put up with this crap up too much longer.

Ah! So now I get it. The joke isn't the marginal discomfort Jenkins would feel at the hands of his bosses pecks, it's the possibility that one character may kill and eat the other.

Yeah, thats comedy.

4-29-08: "Pecking order" word play on Monday, "pyramid scheme" pun on Tuesday. I can hardly wait for Wednesday when there's sure to be a corker of a knock-knock joke.

4-30-08: "Pecking order" word play on Monday, "pyramid scheme" pun on Tuesday, a visual pun using "grooming" today... if it wasn't for the knowledge that only the indigent and the profoundly retarded read the Quigmans for pleasure I would honestly weep for my people.