8-1-08: According to old Hicky-Pants colleges are now being named according to their curriculum. Like so:

Got a thing for feet? Podiatry University will tickle your fancy.

Not sure what to do with your life? Then Philosophy Academy may or may not be what you want.

Consider yourself the next Mario Brother? Plumbing College is a lead pipe cinch.

Into hair and manslaughter? Barber College is at the cutting edge.

Like bellybuttons? Then the Naval Academy is your place for contemplation.

Want to be a professional cartoonist? Quigmans Elementary will teach you to play the accordion.

8-2-08: Just to bring you up to speed on how Buddy Hickerson Bunky Hinkerton, creator of the Quigmans, works:

Last month, on 7-16-08, Little Lazy Bunky re-submitted an old Quigmans cartoon from 8-2-04. The only difference between the two cartoons is that the more recent one replaced the word “frickin'” with the word “friggin'”.

You need to know all that as today's cartoon hails from 8-23-04.

(Yes, two recently-submitted old cartoons both from August of 2004. Bunky obviously just grabs old Quigs from a pile and resubmits them based on ease of access, not degree of entertainment value. The 2004 compilation is under fairly heavy bombardment these days which, I'm guessing, means that particular pile is closest to his spot on the sofa-bed.)

In the 2004 version of today's cartoon the woman on the right was identified not just as a Feminazi, but as a “frickin' Feminazi”.

Having said all this, two things come immediately to mind:

(1) By some small miracle of editorial oversight, heretofore not observed at Creators Syndicate, both frickin' and friggin' have been stricken from the Quigmans punchline vocabulary. One can only hope.

(2) Creators Syndicate evidently believes that the word “Feminazi” has no unfortunate negative connotations, which means that bitch, slut, cunt, whore, slattern, limbaugh, and cock-holster are now fair game, too.

So have fun, Bunky, you cunt.

8-4-08: Hello. I... am David Attenborough, and this... is a barren wasteland. It doesn't look like much now but it wasn't always this way.

On March 5th, 1986, a small Pekingese dog crashed into Buddy Hickerson's Bunky Hinkerton's head somewhere near the area of the brain where humor is conceived. The effect... was devastating.

Taking the full brunt of the impact, equal almost in severity to a can of soda that's been shaken real hard for a very long period of time, gags and jests were instantly reduced to ashes. As the wave of destruction spread along the lateral sulcus it took down huge herds of limericks, puns and knock-knock jokes. Witticisms and bandinage were caught in the aftershocks and by the time it was over... not one funny thing remained standing.

Bunky's sense of humor is, therefore, as you see it now... quiet and nearly completely sterile. All that remains... is the shattered remnants of that day and the days that led up to it. No new ideas have taken root in all that time nor are they expected to in the near future.

There is, however, one bright spot... this tiny area of the brain... just here. It leads... to the fingers and they lead... to the TV remote control. Although only currently capable of changing between Judge Judy and Celebrity Rehab it is hoped that one day... he will discover the Cartoon Channel. And perhaps, on that day, comedy will live again in the house of Hinkerton.

Be with me next week as we study the miracle of Bruce Tinsley, the only creature on Earth able to syndicate a political comic strip even though equipped with little more than shit for brains.

8-5-08: Allll-righty-then! Time to create a new Quigmans cartoon. I'll just reach down into my magic bag of humor and... um....well....hmmmm. Nothing in there. Guess I'll have to check the anal reserves. Slap a little of this rancid corn-dog grease on my wrist and in we go.

<Uuuuuurghhhh-ah!>

Ooohhhh-kay, that didn't hurt... much. So whatta we got here? Joke about fat people, nodule of Chinese food, some corn, another fat joke...

No, wait. That's a polyp.

Ah! Here we are! A pop-culture remnant. (More like poop-culture. Ha-ha. I kill me.) I'm not sure who Ryan Seacrest is or what he does but I vaguely remember him fucking someone famous so he'll do. Now all I need is some context. Nothing around here like that so I guess it's time to dig a little deeper. Deep breath aaannd.....

<Urrrrrgh!>

Man! That turn past the descending colon is a tough one. Alright, let's see... context, context, context.... Political? Too complex for my audience. Religion? Too complex for my audience. Movies? Yeah, that'll do! So what idiotic flick are all the drones currently swarming? Hancock? They wish. Indiana Jones? Fuck! Even I ain't THAT desperate. Batman? Yeah, Batman! He's always good for a meme. Okay, let's put this puppy in reverse and back her outta there.

<Oooooh-uhhhhh-eeeeeegh-aghhh-poit!>

Phew!

So, that's Batman, Ryan Seacrest and... what the heck is that? Ewwww. It looks infected. Oh, it's just Windows Vista. Sure, why not? The more the merrier. Arrange all the gunk into a nice, neat little pile annnnd there we go! August 5th is just a bad memory.

Now all I got to do is think of another 27 jokes.

Ohhhh boy.

PS: It's spelled "villains", you syndicated twit.

8-6-08: Remember the Piss Christ, the 1989 art installation which featured a crucifix immersed in a container of the artist's own urine?

For all intents and purposes this is pretty much the same thing as it offers a depiction of a religious deity drowned in a virtual bucket of joyless micturate.

As for its significance as "art", it's your call.

Oh, Bunky, you little heretical dilettante, you.

Regurgitation Report: To be precise, this is more like "Second Call" as this drab little waste of ink, pixels and/or ammonia originated 5-30-03.

8-7-08: Later that same day the Sugar Cube Cafe, the Sponge Cake Theatre and the Suede Way Inn were totally destroyed by an unexpectedly heavy mist.

In similar news, the French Fry Plaza was destroyed by a raging torrent of catsup, although later reports have categorized it as "ketchup".

The Pea Freak Boutique suffered mild damage from a hail of pea-sized peas and Mount Mentos erupted after a plumbing malfuction at the nearby Coke bottling plant.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, why bother taking a meme to its logical extreme when you can stop at one lousy gag?

Upchuck Update: Yes, that's Zip-A-tone you see there, which means this cartoon is an oldie but -baddie all the way from 1-29-02.

8-8-08: Thinking "reverse" = "upside-down".

Fail.

Showing the homeowner standing rightside-up.

Epic fail.

8-9-08: Dr. Phineas Fudd, esq., Ms. Allen Whipple, phd. and Sr. Alenzo Gonzalez, Sr. were having a disagreement over whether, in this year of 2008 c.e., Saint Joan should be abbreviated as "St. Joan" or "St Joan".

"That depends" said Dr. Fudd, "on whether you know what an abbreviation is and how best to use it. Some cartoonists, viz. Buddy Hickerson, e.g., wouldn't know an abbr. if it bit him on the ass, the nose, the scrotum, etc."

"Q.E.D.", replied Mlle. Whipple.

------------
And now, a review of this comic using nothing but easily recognizable acronyms and/or abbreviations:

OMFG! DOA! PITA POS FUBAR, IMHO. WAFWOT. YMMV.

FYB.

L8R G8R.

EOF.

8-11-08: Ohhhh, so THAT'S where Bunky Hinkerman gets all his Quigmans jokes.

Today's cheap shot is brought to you by the makers of Fat Mama Cola, the only cola made with 100% real bacon. You can't talk trash without a Fat Mama. Look for Fat Mama Cola in the dairy case today!

8-12-08: A joke about dumpster diving (see 8-11-08, above) followed by a joke about failure.

I guess it's true: You write what you know.

I'm sure women everywhere know just what this woman is thinking... and it has to do with writing their local paper and asking them to replace the Quigmans with something more fulfilling... like advice on how to clean your septic tank.

Puke Patrol: This stinky little slice of life debuted 4-2-04.

8-13-08: Believe it or not, you're looking at a brand new comic strip developed by Bucky Hinkerton, creator of the Quigmans.

It's called "The Post-Partum Circus" and the concept is "cute kids with clinically deranged parents". It's specifically designed to simultaneously target two entirely different demographics: young children and mature adults. Here's how it works:

Each day the printed version will offer a standard, insipid punchline just for the kiddies, but adults will need to go online to read the story developed just for them. Here's the first one for all you big people:

"Hush now, my little ones. The Kool-Aid will be ready soon, and then we'll all go to a wonderful place up among the clouds where God will answer all your questions.

It's too bad your father can't be with us but Mommy made certain that he'll be busy, for all eternity, watching his living flesh shrivel and blacken in the raging cauldron of Hell, along with what's left of that surgically-enhanced tramp he met at What-A-Burger.

Yes, the fire. The beautiful, cleansing fire."


Thanks, Bucky, for allowing quigmans.com to debut the first of many unwholesome and soul-crushingly distubing comics.

8-14-08: A pair of cross-species homosexuals bantering drolly about cannibalism.

Nothing to see here folks. Move along.

Upchuck Update: Today's alert for re-used cartoons comes in musical form. I swear to Zeus I will never do this to you again.

8-15-08: Here's how humor works:

(1) The patient sues the doctor for obvious malpractice and wins a big, fat settlement.

(2) The doctor's insurance company then raises its rates to pay for the settlement.

(3) The doctor subsequently raises his rates to pay for the insurance.

(4) Finally, you and I have to pay much higher fees for medical treatment simply because some doctors are dumbasses.

Man! I just can't stop laughing.

As for us humor fans, unless we sue Buddy for mental cruelty we're simply stuck with the same old incompetent comic strip crapola day after day.

8-16-08: After reading the Quigmans all these years I feel... I feel... I feel the sudden urge to create the worst comic strip in the world.

Oh... wait. Too late.

Damn you, Bunky Hinkerton! Damn you to HELL!

Regurgitation report: This cartoon hails from 7-29-03. Here's a thumbnail of the original from that day. It's exactly the same except for the syndicate information, date, and signature locations.

8-18-08: First, just in case you're wondering, it's spelled "Olympic".

The Quigmans; Where the quality goes in before the name goes on, and the name is Fatuous Moron, Incorporated.

If there was a Summer Olympics category for "Solo Synchronized Syndicated Sucking" Bunky Hinkerton, creator of What Are You Smokin'? The Post-Partum Circus The Quigmans, would make Michael Phelps look like Michael J. Fox.

It's fascinating, in a morbid kind of way, to see how Bunky's creative mind works. In this cartoon you can tell he got to the fourth panel, ran out of Genius Gas and simply inserted the name of the Olympic event that was easiest to spell. True, BMX biking as a competitive sport is totally moronic if you're over the age of 13 but it's hardly a punchline, unless used thusly:

Knock-knock!
Who's there?
BMX!
BMX, who?
BMX-tra careful the next time you have sex with a Haitian heroin addict.

------------

I know this sends a bit of a mixed message but it bugs me when Bunky coughs up new material as it means I have to make the effort to actually transcribe the soggy bolus instead of simply copy/pasting it from my vast trove of Quig data. Without being TOO descriptive, the process is not entirely unlike having to use your hand when you're out of toilet paper.

BMX!

8-19-08: It's always nice to see a cartoonist avoid the cheap, easy, obvious, boring, insipid, stupid gag about frogs and go straight for the banal, imbecilic, illogical one instead.

This gag was written by Bunky's ex-pooky-wookums-shnuggle-wuggums, Szyszka. How could you blame him for not saying no?


-------------

Upchuck Update: Like a bad acid flashback these old Quigmans keep coming back again and again, this one from 7-25-02, the Summer of Loooooove. Wait. Sorry, I mean the Summer of Lame Comics.

This thumbnail is the original from that date. Contrast and compare, if you dare. Or care.

8-20-08: Visiting the doctor is a near-universal unpleasant experience. If it's not the anxiety or the expense it's the fear of the unknown. So to develop a  good medical joke all you have to do is think of a simple medical procedure and then show the doc screwing it up and it's instant boffo laughs.

This cartoon, however, bears no resemblance to anything.


-------------

Regurgitation Report: This Quigmans cartoon originally hails from 6-8-2000 (later re-used 3-3-05) and, oddly enough, the original version was sans Zip-A-Tone. While I applaud Bunky for taking the time to add a little tone and shading to this cartoon I can only hope that next time he'll use the 100% black gradient so we won't see anything at all.

8-21-08: "Look, Bunky..."

"That's Buddy."

"Buddy, yeah, right. Look, Buddy, there's no money in jokes about avante garde furniture or romance poets of the 17th century these days. If you wanna make the really big dough in the comics biz you need to write to the level of a two-year old. Draw some frogs and make a gag about one of them 'croaking'. Or how about a squirrel eating the 'nuts' at a sanitarium. Huh? Huh?"

"Those are terrible! I'd look like a complete moron if I used jokes like that! Don't you understand? I want to be respected by my peers. I want to be remembered for my craft long after I'm gone. I want to write the kind of material that will change people's lives."

"Wrong! You want to still be in the papers while Stephan Pastis is being fed corned beef through a tube. You want to continue to feed off your marginal celebrity in order to impress those bimbos you hang out with at What-A-Burger. You want to keep bringing home that syndicate paycheck every month. You want to still be able to pay your cable bill, otherwise no Celebrity Rehab. Am I right? I said, am I right?"


"Yes. Yes, you're right. As usual."

"Good. Now rub my feet."

"Yes, mother."



The Quigmans cartoon to the left is from 12-2-99 and is essentially the same lame joke, I.E. a squirrel harvesting the "nuts" at a home for the mentally disturbed. Although bereft of caption it actually makes better sense than the one above.

8-22-08: Sniff. Sniff-sniff.

Oh, no! Another shit sandwich. And I'm not talking about the sandwich.

Buddy Hickerson, the Faecal Gourmet, strikes (out) again.

Bon appetit'.

8-23-08: I can make this stupid joke grossly amusing by the use of just one word:

Brazillian.

Thank you! You've been a wonderful audience! Really! Please sit down! I mean it! Stop it! You're embarrassing me! Dont make me come out there!



Regurgitation Report: Back on 11-13-02 when this cartoon first appeared (original at left) this cartoon was signed simply "hickerson". Today, it's signed "hickerson/szyszka". Could it possibly be that old Ange has been bitching at Bunky for six years about this slight?

I certainly hope so.

8-25-08: Oh, now that's funny!

No, I'm not kidding.

Although this cartoon offers no obvious signs of being amusing what Bucky Hinkerton has actually done is to craft a gag that is ironically funny, laughing at itself by being entirely humorless. After all, who in this world does not know that sushi (sashimi, actually) is not served raw?

I'm surprised I have to point this out.

Now, just sit back and get comfortable as old Uncle Mike explains a little something he calls "sarcasm"....



Sloth Alert: This undercooked morsel is bylined "Tyler". If you see him, sock him in the sashimi for me.

8-26-08: "No future, huh? I guess that means no Heaven or Hell for me. No limbo or purgatory, either, as even there I'm sure time passes. But, as an atheist, I'm neither shocked nor surprised as that's exactly what I've always expected from death.

Your timing, however, is perfectly lousy. Frankly, I rather hoped I'd expire of heart failure locked in the romantic embrace of this young lady rather than simply keeling over into the soup course.

Now, if you had said my 'life' had been declined then I might start worrying. Because that would imply an existence beyond the grave, which not only violates all the known physical laws but raises more questions than I could dare hope to be answered. Are you sure you know what you're even talking about? Or are you simply repeating what some third-rate cartoonist wrote for you?"



Upchuck Update: This little jewel first saw syndication on 4-12-02. On that day it was shaded using Zip-A-Tone (See left) but Bunky has taken the original art and removed all the tone, then re-shaded the original art by hand. Why go through all that trouble? I guess Celebrity Rehab is in reruns.

8-27-08: In my college days I took a commercial illustration class headed by an acknowledged giant in the biz, Jack Unruh. He gave us all hope by admitting that, early on in his career, he realized he was lousy at drawing hands and feet, and revealed that he often composed his artwork in such a way as to hide his artistic deficiencies. Hands would often be relegated to jacket pockets and feet would be tucked conveniently behind hassocks or small dogs. As the years progressed he became more adept at human anatomy and his artwork improved markedly.

I say this not just to emphasize the fact that Bucky Hinkerton tends to similarly hide the feet in his creations (see above) but to point out that after twenty years in the syndication biz he's still hiding perfectly good comics behind some lame damn Quigmans cartoon.

Get it?

8-28-08: "Is he really eating a pointless existence with no direction", he asked redundantly? Let's get a close-up and find out:

Mmmmmmm, nope. Looks like knockwurst to me. Of course, "pointless existence" could be a euphemism for eating one's own dick. Small wonder the lady chose the caesar.

For you kids out there interested in the lucrative field of comic strip gag writing it's always best to conceive humorous concepts which have easily associated visual metaphors, unlike this sad attempt, otherwise the comics pages would quickly deteriorate into one joke after another about string theory and/or fluid dynamics. Don't let this happen to you.

Sloth Alert: Again, Bunky is the victim of friendships gone awry as this gag is accredited to his pal, Parkin. Parkin's inability to write humor deserves its own pathological connotation. Unfortunately, Parkinson's Disease has already been taken. Original syndication date 8-29-2000.

8-29-08: I see the Happy Dippy Drinking Bird company's lawyers have been running amuck again, trying to justify their paychecks. Why else would Bucky Hinkerton use a different name and alter the appearance of this charming toy so radically if it weren't from vicious threats of copyright abuse.

What's that? He was too lazy to take five minutes on Google to get the information right?

I stand corrected. No offense Happy Dippy Drinking Bird company lawyers. Really. Please don't sue me.



Regurgitation Report: All the way from 11-24-2000.

8-30-08: Just for fun, let's replace the two caucasians here with a negro couple, and then replace the word "white" with the word "black".

Do you see the problem?

You're a real class act, Bucky.



Upchuck Update: This skewed depiction of Ivory Debris first manifested itself upon unsuspecting trailer parks nationwide on 4-25-03.