1-2-08: The specific attribute I find most admirable in this Quigman joke is its nuance. Its refined deus ex machina is tantalizingly obscured in layers of subtlety, requiring a sharp, sophisticated wit to untangle its Gordian maze of hilarity.

The young, uneducated or simpleminded reader may point to the rodent-like creature and exclaim "rat!", I.E. "stool pigeon" and simply leave it at that but it's clear to anyone steeped in the lore and romance of the cinema that this scene is an epigrammatic homage to Robert Bresson's Les Anges du Peche', a corruscating indictment of the mistreament of the proletariat at the hands of the bourgesois.

The rat character is, in fact, a red herring as the silent, bearded man is obviously the true focus of the jape, representing as he does the role of the fool who dooms himself by the impetus of his own inertia.

How delightfully droll.

Yes, without any doubt, Mr. Hickerson has truly done it again. Single-handedly he has raised the bar for cleverness in comic strip gag writing. Unfortunately for all of the other working cartoonist's it's unlikely that they shall ever attain the same heady heights of this, our greatest living cartoonist. There can be only one master of ink and quill. All hail his genius.

Oh, and one more thing... Howard Stern's penis!

Sloth alert: Well, old Hicky-pants made it almost six weeks without surrendering to the urge to re-use an old gag, this one having originally seen print on 12-3-02.

1-3-08: "Good evening, ladies and germs, and welcome to my show. I'd like to start off with a few classic gags that I'm sure you'll all enjoy.

First, did you  know that grass is green?

Is this thing on? Did you hear me? I said 'grass is green'. Isn't that weird? Being green and all?

Ooohhh-kayyy, moving right along. Does anyone here know that water is wet? I mean, what is it with water, anyway? It's all fluidy and moist and, you know, wet.

I know you're out there because I can hear you breathing.

All right, you asked for it. Here's the best I got, so get ready to laugh. You ready? Okay, here we go...

Politicans are money-grubbing weasels!

<chirp-chirp-chirp>

Okay, thanks for coming! Don't forget to tip your waitress! Wokka-wokka-wokka!"

Sloth alert: Every four years we have to put up with the same political fertilizer and old Hicky-pants is digging deep as this shit was first shoveled on 6-14-03.

1-4-08: Comedian George Carlin once posited the notion that somewhere, simply by process of elimination, there is the worst doctor.... and someone has an appointment with him tomorrow.

Yikes!

Similarly, somewhere there exists the world's crummiest comic strip. The Quigmans probably wouldn't have a clear plurality in any such vote but I would demand a recount just to be on the safe side.

Sloth alert: Although this cartoon died on the operating table back on 10-14-02 it yet lives again. IEEEE!!!

1-5-08: Sea otter? Beaver? Weasel? Hamster? Cocker spaniel? Clam? Fire ant? Doorknob?

Ohhhhhh, it's a mole. Well, let's just put this one on the refrigerator, shall we?

It's sad enough that old Hicky-pants can't provide a decent gag or delineate an identifiable second banana, but it's even worse when he can't seem to afford the ink for a word balloon or two. I wonder if Bono might be interested in hosting a benefit, Balloon Aid or some such, to get old Hicky-pants through this obvious rough patch.

1-7-08: So... 17th century schooners Electric Boogaloo themselves into a Saturday Night Fever, eventually dashing themselves to bits on the rocky shores of the Grace Jones Atoll due to one man's autoerotic fantasies involving novelty lighting equipment?

You'd-a thunk that would have been on Fox News. I think old Hicky-pants is just making this stuff up.

1-8-08: Obviously the newspaper in question carries the Quigmans as there's no better place to devour one's young or take a satisfying dump than in the middle of shredded sections of Bob Quigmans beaming forehead.

It's a hamster thing. You wouldn't understand.

Secondarily, why is this cartoon entitled "The Hamsters at Home!"? Is someone deaf? Is the experience of rodent ownership more exciting than I suppose? Are they giving away exclamation points at the library again? Does old Hicky-pants pay no attention to what he draws?

Double Sloth Alert: This gag originally appeared on 9-13-04 and bore the byline of its writer, "McKinley". But just as you'll not see that original date on the cartoon neither will you see McKinley's credit line. Shame on you, Hicky-pants! Shame!

1-9-08: "Also, if the date goes really, really well (Nudge-nudge, wink-wink, say-no-more!) we can sell those tapes on the 'net and make a freakin' fortune!"

Oopsies! I forgot that the Quigs aren't supposed to be associated with anything humorous.

Sorry.

Aside from all that, this is my kinda bar. I mean, when I order a pineapple-and-chutney margarita I want it served in a glass that's bigger than my head, too.

On the other hand, they could be midgets. Or little people. Or, hell, whatever they call themselves now.

On the other-other hand old Hicky-pants could have drawn this while his brain was being nibbled on by a rabid ocelot.

Yeah, that would explain it.

EXTRA: On 2-19-08 Dan Piraro's Bizarro offered the following comic:

As you can see, it's virtually the same joke as old Hicky-pants' above, only Piraro took the logical step of including a recording device, thus making the gag logical AND absurd. Take notes, Buddy.

1-10-08: Ha-ha! News people are stupid. Poot! Fart! Retch!

Aside from that, why should the news media bother to record our every move when the government does it already? It's true that they're not very good at keeping records that matter, like pictures of George Bush snorting crytal meth off Randy Johnson's ass, but it's the thought that counts.

And speaking of insufferable governmental bastards...

Hi Dick! How's that gout treatin' ya? I hope its playful agony keeps you awake at night because Bog knows it sure isn't something so minor as the pitiful wails of the innocent millions you've slaughtered in Iraq simply because you need a bigger paper shredder. All that loot won't make your daughter any less gay, you xenophobic, hypocritical scumbag.

Sloth Alert: This cartoon hails from those halcyon days when the Constitution was still in effect, all the way back from that magic day od 5-4-02.

1-11-08: "I keep having this weird dream, doc. In it I'm a big, red, animal shaped like a cigar or a rocket or a club or some other kind of phallic-shaped thing. Surrounding me are all these beautiful, half-naked girls who each keep beguiling me to plunge into their hot, sweaty, steamy little jacuzzi's. Their allure is hypnotic, overpowering, and no matter how I resist I'm always drawn helplessly into their trap. That's when the women begin to eat me, doc, beginning with sucking the juices out of my big swollen head and then working their way down until there's nothing left but a limp, shriveled husk. What do you think it all means, doc?"

"Beats me, Jimmy. I don't understand the Quigmans, either."

Sloth Alert: I keep having this bad dream, as though I've seen this Quigmans cartoon before. Hey! Wait! I have! It's from 8-8-03. I'm not crazy after all! Ah-ha-ha-ha!!

1-12-08: It's really, really sad when an old person, like Quigmans cartoonist Buddy Hickerson, tries to maintain the appearance of being a cool, groovy, trendy hipster, and there's no better example than today's egregious Quigmans cartoon, whose punchline is apparantly borrowed from the kind of teen comedy which has made the producers of apple pies richer than Croesus with a no-bid contract for meth-laced Twinkies.

Case in point, this gag, whose tortuous punchline, the faintly curious "harshing my jolly", is obviously a play on "harshing my mellow". Now, it would a crime against humanity if everyone went around using such a phrase but that's not likely as apparantly no one actually does.

To prove this rather rancorous point I just finished a Google check for the correct version of the phrase and it received a whopping 6,180 results. I might add that during the process Google courteously asked if I meant to type "harshing my mellon". I could well understand why they'd think I'd lost my mind with the initial search phrase. Thank you, Buddy.

By all normal accounts 6180 uses on the entire 'net hardly indicates a phrase which has been warmly embraced to the collective bosom of the general public. By comparison here are some other Google search results along the same lines:

Pissing me off: 1,340,000
Getting on my nerves: 548,000
Making me angry: 60,800
Oh my god! There's an axe in my head: 570

So while harshing one's jolly may tickle the fancy of one tiny increment of one small trendy wedge of the smallest part of that ever-shrinking demographic that's even heard of the Quigmans, the rest of us are busy laughing at Mallard Fillmore. And I do mean "at".

1-14-08: Memo to Buddy: The next time you decide to make a tragically obscure turn-of-phrase be sure that your more elderly readers understand that 'Movie Titles' is the subject o' the day. Otherwise you'll cause a ruckus at the Cracker Barrel when frenzied septuagenrians begin rattling their false teeth and banging their colostomy bags in frustrated fury at the employees behind the counter in the horrifying belief that the fast food industry is striving to kill them with substandard fare.

They'd be correct, of course, but why should you hog the credit?

1-15-08: My, how inventive of old Mr. Hickey-pants.

Too bad he forgot to mention The Hitchiker's Guide to the Penguin, Die Hard with a Penguin, Indiana Jones and the Penguin of Doom, Dude, where's my Penguin?, Penguin of Frankenstein, The Day the Penguin Stood Still, Crouching Tiger, Hidden Penguin, Freddy's Penguin: The Final Nightmare, Sweet Sweetback's Baadasssss Penguin, Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Penguin, Earth Versus the Flying Penguins, Penguins in Black, Along Came Penguin, Penguin Story, The Penguin King, 48 Penguins, Charlie's Penguins, The Bad News Penguins, The League of Extraordinary Penguins, Les Penguins, A Mighty Penguin, Enemy of the Penguin, That Darn Penguin, Penguins From Space, The Great Penguin Caper, Penguin Tale, The Penguins of Hazzard, The Penguin Reloaded and Meet the Penguins.

You see? Adding the word 'penguin' makes everything funnier, and it's much easier than wasting all that time writing material.

Secondarily, if this movie WAS for all the demographics then it should have included a superhero, an English spy/ladykiller, Julia Roberts, Will Smith, gay cowboys, pubescent Disney sex puppets, animated ogres, a giant steamship, some deep-throating, a cute alien, talking lions, the Force, several Hobbits, gratuitous nudity, a shipful of pirates and a mess o' dinosaurs. In all likelihood Keenan Wayans is probably shopping for the rights as we speak.

But you can save your $9 as someone has already filmed "Alien Vs. Penguin". You can see it on youtube.com by clicking here.

1-16-08: If you swap the duck for a real woman and the phrase "ripped-up little pieces of bread" for "my money" this gag reveals itself for what it really is... a nasty little stereotypical example of woman as money-grubbing harlot.

Yes, the famous Hickerson misogyny is back in the saddle again.

Sadder still, closer inspection reveals a man possessed of such low self-esteem that he's not only reduced to dating livestock but that he also genuinely believes he has less personal appeal than a handfull of bread crumbs.

We're honestly supposed to feel sorry for this guy but if I was this duck my response would be:

"Well, DUH! I mean, what else you got?"

Sloth Alert: Which came first, the bad joke or the Quigmans cartoon? While you ponder that, ponder this: This very same cartoon made its first appearance on 12-21-02.

1-17-08: Last month Buddy Hickerson packed up his Quigmans and switched syndicates, abandoning the murky backwaters of Tribune Media for the supposedly sunnier climes of Creators Syndicate. Creators also happens to offer Jerry Van Amerongen's quirky "Ballard Street" comic, to which today's Quigmans bears no small resemblence.

While it's purely conjecture on my part it's entirely conceivable that the suits at corporate looked closer at what the Quigmans had to offer and then none-too-subtly encouraged old Hicky-pants to try emulating the works of the aforementioned Mr. Amerongen. After all, what could it hurt? That the result, this gag in particular, is almost humorous (And you have no idea how much it pains me to write those words) is a startling surprise.

Don't get me wrong here since humor, as a concept, is wholly relative. So let's instead just say that this gag is "humorous" in the same way that a Ballard Street gag is almost-but-not-quite funny.

Not a fan. Sorry. Gimme Calvin & Hobbes any day.

If, on the other hand, old Hicky-pants is simply publicly bemoaning his status as a 50-year-old rent slave in a clinically hysterical fashion then, truly, that's the funniest joke of all.

1-18-08: What's with the cop's leg?

Is he riding an invisible pony? Is he practicing his goose-stepping for the big peace march this weekend or is he simply passing some Krispy Kreme-infused gas? Is his right boot filled with helium or has the leg itself been raptured? Is he suffering a Viagra-abuse flashback or is he simply perfecting his arabesque'? Could it be hemorrhoids? Soiled knickers? Painful rectal itch?

Maybe it's old Hicky-pants himself that's the problem. Perhaps his proprioception has gone AWOL, or he's suffered a stroke or developed a case of optic neuritis. Perchance he's imbibed too many bourbon-and-Nyquil cocktails. The possibilties are endless but my money is on the likelihood that he lost his copy of "Perspective Drawing for Beginners" to some 8-year-old during a spectacularly unsuccessful round of Duck Duck Goose.

1-19-08: First of all, you're looking at a Quigmans gag that originated on October 6, 1987. That's almost twenty years ago. The same gag was later re-used on April 2, 2002 and then again today.

Just for historical reference, in 1987 AMC was still selling the Alliance, Jim Bakker was still boinking Jessica Hahn, Gary Hart was still boinking Donna Rice, baby Jessica McClure was still stuck in that well, and Prozac was invented to help make us forget all of that stuff.

Secondarily, the person in the cartoon above is not Bob. THIS is Bob:

Good old Bob Quigman, whose role in the strip is the 'lovable loser', doesn't show up in the Quigmans much anymore, even though the strip is named after him. He generally only appears when old Hicky-pants recycles an old cartoon. What you're more likely to see these days are other characters named "Bob", like the one's below:

Yes, it's Buddy's strip and he can do with it as he likes but it says a lot about a comic artist who could seemingly care less about quality. I guess we should all be thankful old Hicky-pants doesn't repair brakes on school buses.

1-21-08: It's story time, kiddies! Gather 'round as old, apoplectic Uncle Mikey spills his guts.

When old Hicky-pants first developed the Quigmans, back in 1984, it was populated by just four main characters:

Bob Quigman, the loveable loser.
Moe Quigman, the physical embodiment off all that is evil/enjoyable.
Jowles, a dog.
And Shirley, the all-purpose female character.

As fate would have it, old Hick eventually met and proceeded to canoodle a comely female person named Shirley, making her life both jubilant and tortured for the next several years. She was a remarkable woman with many endearing traits but I could only watch helplessly as she suffered over and again as a result of Buddy's thoughtlessness towards her. It was such abuse that made my decision to never speak to him again much less difficult.

I mention all of this because comic artists tend to reveal autobiographical clues about themselves in their strips and Buddy is no different. So it was with rising horror, after reading this gag, that I realized it has been almost exactly fifteen years since the Shirley of whom I spoke was part of old Hick's personal life.

So let me just say for the record that I really, really, really, really, REALLY hope that today's Quigmans 'gag' is just Freudian wish-fulfillment and not some hypocritically post-visitation-Scrooge-like attempt by Buddy to reconstruct his thoroughly cremated bridges. He'll inevitably torch them again and Bog knows the air is already polluted enough by the stench of his jokes.

(Note to Shirley: Hope life is treating you well, kiddo.)

1-22-08: And, thus, the New Adventures of Old Hicky-pants and Shirley continue. (See Catharsis 1-21-08, above.)

As far as the gag itself goes, allow me to say thank goodness for the new online match-making venues as I'm certain, he said with every ounce of snark in his body, that they're quickly eliminating all of the traditional stresses arising from the process of romance. First meetings, which used to require such unpleasantries as drinks or dancing, can now have all the charm and festivity of disarming a landmine. Blindfolded. Any day now I'm certain the divorce rate will begin plummeting like a George Bush stock market, due in no small part to the fact that even fewer people will get married as a result of these deceptive cul de sacs of tactical emotional destruction.

Face it, any person physically fit enough to be viewed from every angle in Quicktime 3-D, accompanied by a clean bill o' health, a non-indictable credit rating and a clear arrest record isn't wasting time or money on these places. They're more likely out drinking and dancing.

My nomination for most realistic name for such sites? Wishfulthinking.com.

But I suppose any alternative beats the "Women Seeking Men" ads on Craigslist, a section which should be more realistically entitled "Russian criminals pretending to be hot young chicks harvesting email addresses from desperate men too cheap to purchase accounts on eHarmony.com".

See you online, comrade.

1-23-08: Hey! I learned a neat new word today.

Zerg.

It's a gaming term meaning "to use overwhelming numbers of inferior units, instead of a single superior one, to achieve a goal". Gamers, I've discovered, hate zerg attacks.

The Quigmans cartoon you see here is a good example of a zerg. In fact, the Quigs have been using the zerg technique in lieu of real jokes for years but no one bothered to create a term for it until now. It works this way:

Take a flimsy subject like, say, "Elf Help Books". Then take any number of book titles and apply an 'elf' slant to them, as this gag does. You then create whimsical titles like "How Green is My Parachute?", "Grow Up!", "A Cry For Elf" and "Not So Little Helper!".

See? Zerg.

The Zergmans.

Has a nice ring to it, doesn't it?

Sloth Alert: Unfortunately, we can't blame old Hicky-pants for this crummy gag as it's the brainchild of the Chief Zerg him/herself, the recondite Gygli. Look it up.

1-24-08: What's the big hairy deal? Megan will just confuse the Nair for her shampoo tomorrow, then the whole cycle can begin anew.

But what about when she confuses the super glue with her eye drops, or mistakes rat poison for powdered onion flakes, or cannot perceive the difference between her gynecologist and the Harlem Globetrotters, or misinterprets corporate propaganda as real news?

Frankly, I think Megan is a major simp who could use professional help. With any luck she'll confuse her psychiatrist for her father and then the fun will REALLY begin.

1-25-08: Okay, Mindy, you can do this. You're smart, you're attractive and you're perfectly capable of defending yourself against this pushy lout. You are, after all, a spokesmodel so it's time to speak your mind. Make him understand that you need him to pay attention to your needs and desires. Just look him in the eye and say "I want you to get something straight". That's all you have to do, Mindy, just let him know that YOU want HIM to get something straight.

Okay, here we go. Deep breath. Focus...

"I just wanna get something straight."

Damn.

Sloth Alert: This creaky, wheezy, ungrammatical slip of a gag first crept out of the quigmire back on March 28, 2002. It was written by Szyszka, old Hicky-Pants' ex-cock-holster, but she's been pretty scarce lately. She use to be a contenduh for the heavyweight comedy crown, or so she said, but now's she's just a bum with a one-way ticket to Palookaville.

1-26-08: Yes, you can do anything with computers... except, evidently, write a decent joke.

That is, of course, a cheap-shot as computers themselves are not to blame for this lame lampoonery. However, by some accounts they're rapidly becoming capable of writing much funnier material than old Hicky-pants ever could.

So the next time you witness a kernal panic study the screen a bit closer before you hit that reset button. The last time I looked I beheld a cracking limerick concerning Eleanor Roosevelt and a drunken wolverine. Easily, the new Lenny Bruce.

1-28-08: The Sydney Opera House is universally hailed as an outstanding achievement in architectural design, a structure of classic beauty.

So why, why, WHY in Bog's name would anyone in their right mind, even in jest, compare it to a punk hair-do?

I think I may have answered my own question.

Dog opera house hair-do's, though, are perfectly acceptable.

1-29-08: "I'm really nervous about this."

"Don't worry! We haven't lost a bungee jumper yet."

"Okay, but, uh, what about that giant cat out there?"

"Oh, don't worry about that. It's just part of a clumsy attempt at humor by a third-rate comic artist. It looks funnier than it really is. Trust me."

"So it won't bat me around or claw my eyes out or try to eat me alive or anything?"

"Our official policy on that is...Hey, look! A squirrel!"

1-30-08: I hate to infer that old Hicky-pants is, well, stupid but this is just stupid.

Socialism is an ideology based on the civil construct that all should share equally in the fruits of our collective efforts. Its acceptance in America is quite widespread as we institute it to keep our policemen, teachers, soldiers, firemen, sanitation engineers and politicians gainfully employed. Except in the case of politicians and the occasional nasty bit of police brutality we can all agree that the system works pretty darned well.

However, nowhere in the Little Red Book of Socialism does it require blind obediance to any one particular gospel in the same way that being a neoconservative Republican does. I mean, when Bush takes a crap, John Boehner not only applauds it but enters it into the Congressional Record. Afterwhich it's given a job as a K Street lobbyist for a pharmaceutical firm, along with a lifetime pass to the Bohemian Grove and a "buy-one-gay-hooker-get-one-free" coupon booklet.

Sloth Alert: Duck and cover! Here it is again! The same little 50's-era, red-baiting flashback that first appeared on 11-7-03.

1-31-08: If you closed your eyes and chose randomly selected words from your cable bill, combining them into one long statement, you'd have a better chance of developing a more entertaining jape than whatever the heck this thing is supposed to be.

Achieving a reasonably funny version of this cartoon would have meant simply exchanging the tyro for a cow and having the salesman state "it's the first hybrid that runs on grass ". Not a knee-slapper but it would make much better sense of the word 'hybrid'.

Class dismissed... Buddy.