6-2-08: "Come on down to Universe Mart where we have the lowest prices in stars, moons, and various planetoids! Don't buy her a car! Don't buy her jewelry! Don't buy her flowers! Give her what she really wants... vague, abstract promises of astronomical real estate! Your satisfaction is guaranteed or your money back (no cash refund without receipt). That's Universe Mart, right next door to Divorce World. Just look for the giant revolving asshole. Bye, kids!

Sloth Alert: In my minds eye there's a grease-stained paper sack in the corner of Buddy's apartment. In it he keeps moldy mayonaisse jars, crusty gym socks, half-eaten cheese-toasts and any number of old Quigmans. Once a month he gingerly snakes his hand down through the crusty layers of moldy debris and eventually hauls up the least slimy cartoon to re-submit to his syndicate, thus escaping the horror of another honest day's work yet again. This cartoon is one of them, hailing from 3-31-03.

Now go wash your hands. You know you want to.

6-3-08: If you have polio or cerebral palsy then the weighted boots and metal braces you wear might make walking a bit unwieldy. I don't, however, see what direct effect a powered suit of armor would have on a mineral imbalance... or why that might be funny.

Two memes, entirely different ideas... Rocco!

Rocco?

Yeah, he's old Hicky-Pants' morose little pal, the guy who squirted out this faecal gem, venting the accumulated frustrations of his lack of sense of humor on a largely undeserving public.

6-4-08: I wrote a light fantasy a couple of days ago, on 6-2-08, about how old Hicky-Pants keeps all his old Quigmans cartoons in a garbage-stained grocery bag crammed in a lonely corner of his apartment. Little did I know that he would return the favor by illustrating the rest of the place for us.

Apart from that, comparing feral squalor to a very popular form of interior design is, well, shabby. Shabby shit, to be specific.

If you're curious, and I hope you are, go see what Wikipedia has to say about shabby chic.

6-5-08: Somewhere there's a three-year-old looking at today's Quigmans cartoon, and I know exactly what they're saying to themselves right now:

"Wow. That's dumb."

Smart kid.

6-6-08: Funny thing about this comic. The first time it appeared, on August 25, 2003, the word "stake" was not modified by the word "wooden".

Think about that.

Old Hicky-pants actually thinks that adding the word "wooden" makes this a substantially better punchline, while in reality it only resulted in a longer punchline, thus prolonging the pain of reading it.

Gee, thanks, Hick.

6-7-08: Emotionally deadened from years of spousal abuse Fred wasn't surprised when Nadine never returned, but he faithfully remained where he was, as ordered. Several hours later he was detained by airport security and immediately examined and x-rayed. Ultimately he was split from groin to skull by the use of an exotic surgical instrument as federal agents searched fruitlessly for evidence of explosives.

Everybody laughed at their error except Fred who was now quite dead.

Later this story was adapted into a comic strip by a third-rate cartoonist. No one thought it was funny.

Sloth Alert: Original syndication date 12-9-02.

6-9-08: "Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull" is such a ridiculous movie title that it is almost impossible to replace the last five words with another phrase and not somehow conjur something vaguely humorous. And yet, Old Hicky-Pants has managed this amazing feat. (More on this below).

For instance:

Indiana Jones and the Customer Service counter at Kohl's.
Indiana Jones and the enigmatic STD.
Indiana Jones and the Ikea Jokkmokk table assembly instructions.
Indiana Jones and the clogged shower drain.
Indiana Jones and the candy machine that refuses to take a $2 bill.
Indiana Jones and the sudden overabundance of ear hair.
Indiana Jones and the fucking Rick Astley youtube video.
Indiana Jones and the double-ended dildo.
Indiana Jones and the negative amortization mortgage.
Indiana Jones and the pus-wart that vaguely resembles Don Knotts.
Indiana Jones and the third-rate cartoonist.

So far this month that's two jokes based on recent Hollywood blockbusters, which means we'll (Thankfully!) never see these Quigmans cartoons ever again.

In the words of Darth Vader: "YIPPEE!"

But, no doubt, this means we need to brace ourselves for a further series of deadful Quigmans comics this summer featuring the likes of Speed Racer, Narnia, Sex and the City, Kung Fu Panda, Zohan, Wall-e, The Incredible Hulk, Get Smart, Hellboy and/or The Dark Knight. You heard it here first.

It would be perfectly acceptable if the Quigmans made a salient, possibly humorous, point ABOUT the specific movie in question but simply resorting to a play on words is making dreck out of tripe... similar to a Taco Bell burrito but without all of its legendary nutritional benefits.

Sloth Alert: Not only is this a childishly simple jape but Old Hicky-Pants was unable to create it alone, depending on Sir Infrequently-Appearing himself/herself, the preternatural "Tyler", to come to his comedic rescue.



Addendum: Just to prove a point, here's the 6-12-08 Bizarro cartoon on the same subject:

As you can see, the premise still is not very funny but at least Mr. Piraro made a reference to the peculiar notion of having a septuagenarian star in an action-adventure flick. Take note, Hick, you lamer.

6-10-08: Louie goes on to say:

"How fortunate I am that all of the furnishings in this bar, including the ambient lighting, the paint, the floor tiles and that puddle of puke by the juke box all perfectly match my specific shade of green, thus making me all but invisible to the bands of terrorists/gangsters/herpetologists eager to seek my demise."

The Regurgitation Report: Deep from within the bowels of Quigmans Central a disconcerting rumbling is heard, not unlike that of a fleet of Buick Electras tumbling into a vat of moldy oatmeal. At one end of this mighty edifice a mammoth sphincter irises open and, with a convulsive jolt, unleashes a foamy stream of putrid ejectamenta containing todays Quigmans comic, one which originally appeared on 7-8-03.

6-11-08: "Well, young fellah, what'd you expect from an old alky? Detatched, sentimental, reflections of amber-gilded days gone by? Sorry, but all I have left ricocheting through the festering remnants of this skull are disjointed scraps of broken dreams and shattered hopes. Now, the free beer was most appreciated, but if you don't wipe that patronizing smirk off your face I'm going to gouge your pancreas out with a lemon zester and feed it to my cat."

Personal note: I and my BGF marched against the Iraq war in 2003. The 10,000 of us circumnavigating the streets of Dallas were certain of our objections to this invasion as we were among the few who actually paid attention, and history proved us right. The assholes along the way who called us objectionable names between rounds of Miller Lite were, well, just assholes. With that in mind, leave Iran the fuck alone, you uninformed assholes!

6-12-08: This is the worst attempt at pity pussy that I have ever seen.

Seriously, Bob, all girls want these days is a dick-in-a-box. Where have you been for the last six years?

Upchuck Update: Six years? Yeah, that's when this comic was first syndicated, 8-28-02.  Back when the world was fresh and innocent and so far only 3000 people had died to advance Dick Cheney's plans to own all the oil in the world.

6-13-08: Sigh.

Head lice feed on blood, and the hair they reside in is only useful as camouflage or as a useful foundation to attach their many eggs. In fact, a weave or a set of extensions would generally work in their favor. And once you get head lice, they're yours, baby, as they cannot fly or jump. They can migrate to another head but only under certain circumstances, like from sharing pillows or combs with someone who is already infested. This includes about 12 million people yearly in the U.S., mostly children. (Thanks, Wikipedia.)

Upchuck Update: If you think this is too gross then blame good old Angela Szyszka as she's the one who wrote it. The cartoon itself first appeared on 12-2-03.

6-14-08: "My darling, I'm afraid I can never see you again."

"But why? Is it my breath? My hair? The way I dress?"

"No, it's because I can't stand to look at another cherry Slurpee."

"What? But, but that's your job. You're a clerk at 7-11!"

"Yes, and because I hate cherry Slurpees I can never enjoy the intimate embrace of a woman ever again."

"That's the stupidest thing I have ever heard of."

"Yes, but I learned this lesson from a third-rate comic strip, so it must be true."

"Okay, fine, whatever. But before I go, gimme a cherry Slurpee. A large, cherry Slurpee."

"IEEEE!"

6-16-08: Not to put anthropomorphic words into the mouths of distilled beverages but I think they would be capable of much more thoughtful and/or sophisticated repartee than the above comic would indicate. For instance:

Champagne: "Perhaps monsieur would prefer something in a screw cap?"
Beer: "Yo! Pal! We gonna get drunk or what? I ain't got all day!"
Vodka: "Do not worry, my friend. I would never hurt you. Trust me."
Absinthe: "Whoa! Giant lizards! Who wants cheeseburgers?"
Moonshine: "Hoooo-doggie! You sure dew have a perty mouth, city boy!"
Gin: "Gin and tonic! Gin and fucking tonic! Why can't anyone like me for who I am?"
Tequila: "Mas rapido, tu pinche puto pendejo! You drink like my abuela Maria!"
Chianti: "We got any of those fava beans left?"

The Retch Report: It's been alost six years since this cartoon was first printed, 10-9-02. Plenty of time to expound on its simplistic premise. Alas, another opportunity lost to the seductive allure of Celebrity Rehab and Judge Judy.

6-17-08: "On the lighter side of the news, Morty Finkleman's bowling scores were the talk of the town until a sharp-eyed opponent realized he'd been using superconducting bowling balls to topple more pins. As punishment, Murray Crunkenheimer, owner of FreewaySide Lanes, surprised everyone with a perfect 7-10 split of Mr. Finkleman's skull using a 16-pound Brunswick Master-Strike 3000. Ouch! That's gotta hurt! Mr. Crunkenheimer is now facing manslaughter charges but is currently free on $500 bail. Mr. Finkleman's remains are now on view at Stiff City Funeral Home but his major organs are availble for transplant at Feng Shui General Hospital in Beijing, China.

And now here's Todd with the weather.

The Upchuck Update: This cartoon was a gutter-ball the first time old Hicky-Pants heaved it blindly into the ether on 4-26-04.

6-18-08: Have you ever wondered what a Vulcan retirement home might be like?

Would they play Tri-D Bingo on Thursday nights?

Would they try to mind-meld with visiting grandchildren? Or their shoes?

Would the visiting grandchildren be repulsed by the smell of "old people" telepathy?

Would the nurses get upset when the men "practice" their Vulcan nerve-pinch on their unsuspecting hind-quarters?

Would the Vulcanettes consent to a little Pon Farr after lights out?

Would the old Vulcans mistakenly implant their katra into their colostomy bags when all they really needed was an aspirin?

Would their empty husk of a body even allow a subsequent Fal-Tor-Pan?

Would you?

The Regurgitation Report: Ah! Zip-A-Tone shading. A definitive clue that this is an ancient Quigmans cartoon. So old that it's not even in my records but (sniff-sniff) it has the unmistakable reek of a gag from the early 90s. I'm about 90% sure I wrote this one so I'm gonna take credit for it anyways.

6-19-08: "Hi, Buddy! You won't believe where I'm calling from!"

"Oh. Hi, Angela. Uh, I really don't have..."

"The bathroom, that's where!"

"... time for this. See, Judge Judy is on...."

"Who knew a cell phone would work in the bathroom? I can pee AND talk to my friends! Can you hear me tinkle? Tinkle-tinkle-tinkle!"

"...and she has this case about a guy who mulched his neighbor's dog, see, and..."

"So while I was sitting here I had the most marvy idea for a joke. It's about this guy with a toilet for a head."

"Uh-huh. Wait. What?"

"Oh, I forgot to mention that he's at the doctor's office and he's sick, see, and the doctor says 'Hey, you sure look flushed there old pal'. Get it? Toilet? Flushed?"

"B-but he has a toilet for a head. You'd think that might be a bigger problem."

"Oh, golly, I hadn't thought of that. Oh, I know! What if the doctor says he looks like shit?"

"But he'll still have the toilet for a head?"

"Well, shyeah! That's why it's funny, Mr. Silly-Head!"

"You know, Ang, uh, <cough> the, uh, plumber just gave me a, uh, joke about Joe Biden that I'm just dying to use..."

"Buddy!"

"... yeah?"

"Who has the vagina?"

"(Sigh) You do, Angela."

"And that means...?"

"Is the 19th soon enough?"

"That's my Buddy."

"And that's my, uh, <cough> okay, bye."

6-20-08: Gus, who had been profoundly deaf since birth, ironically heard nothing. He considered briefly signing to Marsha that she really must take better care of her boobs before they inevitably slid entirely off her chest, but thought better of it as no one could be so cruel as to intentionally make light of another person's physical deficiency.


Puke Patrol: Yea, verily, therefore this day, the day of our Lord, 11-14-02, a Quigmans cartoon was given unto man, with no warning that it would one day come again. And yet it did, and there was great confusion in the land. And the crops failed. And plague descended upon the people. And the children died. And there was much sorrow. And there was great weeping and beating of breasts. And from the people there rose up a great cry from the four corners of the Earth beseeching God to end their miseries and deliver them from this cartoon.

And so it was that six angels, each bearing six fearsome swords spouting six gouts of flame, did appear before the people of the Earth and with a mighty stroke did cause great conflagrations to sweep the land and all the waters. And the raiment of the people did burst aflame. And the dwellings of the people did burst aflame. And the animals of the people did burst aflame. And all of the people, and all of the Quigmans cartoons, were burnt asunder and did perish forever from the Earth.

And, once again, the people were content.

6-21-08: If a movie, or a meal, or a pair of pants was as crappy as this Quigmans cartoon or, for that matter, any Quigmans cartoon, you'd ask for your money back, wouldn't you? You can't get back the time you've wasted on this strip or repair the immeasurable damage it's done to your intellect but you can call or write your local paper and demand better.

Upchuck Update: Someone named "Martin" wrote this particular stinker. Oddly enough, he only seems to show up during election years. Lucky stars are being thanked. This cartoon originally hails from December 7, 2000.

6-23-08: The blind leading the blind.

Or, should I say, the dimwitted writing cartoons about the cretinous.

Either way, bad idea. Although the other side of that coin is that you write what you know.

Evidently that ain't much.

Boring Technical Blather: In ye olde LA times Syndicate days old Hicky-Pants used to scrawl his captions under the raw artwork at the last possible second before FedEx-ing them off to the syndicate, allowing them to type-set the captions properly. I just did a quick comparison at Creators and apparantly nowadays it's the artist's responsibility to provide the captions. This explains the frequent misspellings and sloppy formatting common to the Quigs for lo these many months/years.

I highlight this largely arcane issue because until today Hick has always used Helvetica or Arial, sometimes Verdana, for his captions but today he took the bold step of using (GASP!) Times Roman. Although easier to read it now looks like Chinese assembly instructions for a toaster.

Regurgitation Report: This cartoon was from 7-10-03 and old Hicky-Pants still used Helvetica then, too.

6-24-08: When a comic doesn't even TRY to be funny there's little a noble critic can do to make sense of it. Allow me to suggest you go see what Roger Ebert is up to.

The Vomitorium: Buddy upchucks another oldie-but-really-baddie from 6-23-03.

6-25-08: Here's a good example of one cartoonist's inability to understand humor, or an example of what can happen to your brain when you watch too much Celebrity Rehab.

While the supposed joke concerns the absurdity of a man clamped to a security device meant for an automobile, the gag would only have been honestly amusing if the fellow in question had been a tall, strapping hunk instead of this tubby little dweeb. This is, for all intents and purposes, like locking away the brussel's sprouts from all of the she-wolves in the area.

The Vomitorium: The joke originally was clubbed to death on 11-22-01.

In case you're interested, of the 21 Quigmans comics this month only 4 were new ones created solely by Buddy. All on the rest are either re-runs (13) or were written by someone else (4).

Unless you're in an iron lung, Buddy, you really, really suck.

6-26-08: What's the difference between a mouse and a dick?

A mouse is a device used to run a computer. A dick is someone who thinks he can write jokes.

Don't think:
... about where that mouse plugs into.
... about what comes out when this homely, ugly dweeb "opens up".
... about Ms. No-Neck, who is obviously some sort of mouse-clicking slut.

The Upchuck Update: If a cartoon wasn't funny the first time, what does that mean if it's re-used? Is it like the square root of a negative number? What am i talking about? I'm talking about this lame Quigmans comic, which originally appreared on 5-31-03.

Since Buddy's evidently making this a habit allow me to note that of the 22 Quigmans comics of the month of June only 4 were completely new ones created solely by Buddy. All on the rest are either re-runs (14) or were written by someone else (4).

When Gary Trudeau takes a sabbatical he informs the press, because people actually care about Doonesbury. Buddy doesn't take sabbaticals.

6-27-08: There's a cult of male ideas? Cool! I wonder where they meet? Denny's? Chili's? Fuddrucker's? The Insidious Male Idea Coffee Shop and Tire Center?

For those new to the Quigmans this convoluted, nonsyntactic bolus, this technique of taking a simple premise and tightly swathing it in tortured English, is Buddy Hickerson's idea of being "deep". For those who find it hard to struggle past the illogic of this contrived, grammatical swamp, allow me to simplify it for you:

She: "You frighten me! "
He: "Great! Let's fuck!"

I smell Peabody.

The Regurgitation Report: Oh, look! Another... old... Quigmans cartoon... from 9-30-03. Yippee. (Oh, and the first time this joke came appeared the guy's name was Phil. It's SOOOOOO much funnier now.)

Buddy's sloth is now approaching the realm of the epic as this is the 15th old Quigmans re-used in the month of June. Of the other eight Quigs this month four were written by friends of his, leaving just four wholly original Quigmans in 27 days.

Think about that. Buddy's day largely consists of his digging through his old Quigmans to round out the required 28 because either (A) he's too lazy to make new ones or (B) he's become incapable of creating new ones.

There's also the possibility of (C) which is that the Quigs are in so few papers that he has to work a double-shift at Wal-Mart in order to pay the bills.

Either way, what's the freakin' point, Hick?

One last thing. At the bottom of the Quigmans.com home page is a little widget, called Feedjit, which tracks the last 100 visitors to the site in real time. Below is a Feedjit screenshot of two cities, taken at the same time, about 1PM on June 27, 2008. Keep in mind that Los Angeles is where Buddy lives, and is the home of Creators Syndicate:

Sad, isn't it?

So, HELLO, to all my San Francisco visitors ( and Oakland and Redwood City and Palo alto and Fremont and Hayward and San Mateo and Sunnyvale and San Jose!) , or all of my visitors for that matter. I love every single damn one of ya! Drop me an email about your Quigmans experience so that I can share 'em with others.

6-28-08: A slap on the rump is equal to a make-out session?

Really?

All football players are homosexuals?

Really?

The only thing that prevents football players from teabagging the linebackers or donkey-punching the wide receivers in front of a national audience is their face masks?

Really?

The Quigmans is a nationally-syndicated comic strip?

Really?

I really kind of sort of expect to read the following headline in the paper in the next couple of days: "Little-known syndicated cartoonist Buddy Hickerson found crammed in locker. Anus filled with footballs."

The Vomitorium. We're entering Day 28 of the Epic Sloth Report. Today's Quigmans comic originated on 2-3-03, which means that it is the 16th re-used comic during the month of June. So far Buddy has released only four new gags this month that he both wrote and illustrated.

6-30-08: The following is a short, imaginary BuddyWatch interview with Buddy Hickerson, creator of the Quigmans comic strip.

BW: So, Mr. Hickerson, does this cartoon imply that gas stations are charitably inclined towards employing the physically deformed?

BH: <Chuckle> Nope. Guess again.

BW: Well, then, is it an example of the deformities that can occur from continually working in the presence of toxic, petroleum-based chemicals?

BH: You're way off. Actually, what I meant to say here was ...

BW: No, no. I'm keen to guess. Steroid dosage miscalculation, perhaps?

BH: <sigh> No.

BW: Ummmm... elective body modification? Do-it-yourself gene-grafting? Transplant error? Trick of the light?

BH: No, you moron! His arm is huge because he uses it to constantly change the price of gas on the big sign out in front of the gas station.

BW: Ah. I see. And this process entirely precludes the use of the right arm, yes?

BH: Well, no, they probably need both arms but it's just a joke, see, and...

BW: So, truthfully, both arms should be equally muscular, yes?

BH: ... why do you do this?

BW: I'm sorry?What?

BH: Why do you constantly tear my jokes apart like this? Why do you have to make me look like a goddamn idiot every goddamn day?

BW: And so, this has been another edition of "Tea Time with Mr. Obnoxious". Be here next week as we..."

BH: Oh, no you don't! Come here, godammit!

BW: Security! Security!<Sounds of scuffle. Transmission ends.>