5-1-08: "Pecking order" word play on Monday, "pyramid scheme" pun on Tuesday, a visual pun using "grooming" on Wednesday and today total and complete gibberish.

I just threw up a little in my mouth.

To my knowledge Buddy only went on one official Quigmans book-signing tour, some time back in the mid-80's. I have this weird feeling this is literally how he remembers that event.

5-2-08: "Pecking order" word play on Monday, "pyramid scheme" pun on Tuesday, a visual pun using "grooming" on Wednesday, total gibberish on Thursday and, today, an inability to tell Scotch from water.

Seriously. This joke is about a guy trying to drink eight glasses of alcohol, not water.

Perhaps Buddy ought to think about getting a job as White House Press Secretary. That's a position where they at least expect you to spout nonsense.

5-3-08: Can you still be considered a published author if you don't publish books? The last Quigmans book, the fourth one, was published in 1996 and the reason why there wasn't a fifth edition is because the fourth tome was about as popular as Ethyl Merman's disco album.

However, unlike any of the Quigman books, Ethyl's album is still in print. (You can listen to clips of it here.)

The internet would be a great place to help jump-start the Quig's fortunes but, for whatever reason, this is the only Quigman's site you'll find. So, no, I don't think Buddy has heard of the internet. Pity.

5-5-08: This cartoon originally hails from 4-18-05. The version below shows the original art from that date.

I'd like to take a moment to point out that when every other cartoonist in the world re-uses an old cartoon, because they're either in Maui recharging the old batteries or in Hell fending off Satan's anal-raping minions, it's almost never altered or redrawn. So why does old Hicky-Pants, as he has done on so many occasions, re-draw the Quigmans?

It could be imagined that he felt he got it wrong the first time and was simply making aesthetic amends, but a quick comparison throws that baby out with the bathwater. The revised cartoon is clearly less humorous (if that's possible) than the original because this new nose more anatomically approximates a real honker, as compared to the original ebon ovoid schnozz, making the whole premise moot.

Yes, Buddy doesn't even understand his own joke.

If I had to make a guess I'd say old Hick redraws his cartoons in an attempt to convince himself he still has the creative spark... although that's sort of like endlessly bludgeoning your bishop and imagining you're good with women.

Either way, it gives him something to do.

Eww.

5-6-08: Yes, Mr. Dunphy, this is but Stage One of Shock and Awe on Elm Street. Next comes the cruise missiles and the cluster bombs, then your women and children will be mercilessly slaughtered. One day you're going to find yourself surrounded by Jersey barriers, bereft of clean drinking water and with a fluorescent light up your ass. Don't fight it, Mr. Dunphy, because we have seen the future and it doesn't include you.

Sloth: Old Hicky-pants cranked-out this curious jape on 11-16-01, two months after the WTC went down. It was too soon then and it's too soon now.

5-7-08: The above Quigmans comic was printed today, the one below on was printed on 2-11-05.

Unless you visit this site often it may surprise you to learn that Buddy has used this exact same gag five times over the years, although on two occasions the police officers were replaced by soldiers. It's a simple premise: You take big, strong, tough guys and have them act like sissies. Guaranteed yuks, if you're six years old.

As you can see, today's cartoon is the exact same gag as the old one except for some VERY slightly different art and a needlessly-modified punchline. Typical of Buddy, today's version mentions the bushes that are clearly seen in the older version, but he didnt bother drawing them in the new version.

Yeah, I know... dumb, but we've come to expect Buddy to fuck things up. It's tradition.

I've opined on the subject oft before but I'm beginning to get the inkling that old Hicky-pants has been re-delineating his cartoons lately because his new syndicate in insisting on new material, and he rationalizes that if he draws it different and changes a word of two of the gag then that constitutes a 'new' cartoon.

While it's simply unethical to delude your fan base and your employer, it's deeply disturbing when you have to delude yourself, too.

5-8-08: Yes, Buddy, you're that old. Old enough to think that sharing personal anecdotes concerning your rapidly advancing decrepitude is somehow amusing. It's time for you to quit creeping us out and begin writing gags about golf and model trains or anything else that doesn't involve Doan's Pills and women half your age.

Tomorrow's Quigmans will no doubt feature another Hickerson avatar squirting Dennis the Menace with a hose, making lewd remarks about Luann's tits and coughing up a phlegm-ball that looks like Stephan Pastis.

Sloth alert: He's older than you think as this cartoon first appeared 5-12-03.

5-9-08: Quigmans checklist:

(1) Two people sitting at a bar. Check.
(2) Contrived and, in this case, really creepy punchline. Check.
(3) Return to Celebrity Rehab. Check.

Just so's you'll know, this makes the 18th Quigmans cartoon so far this year featuring two people sitting together drinking. This is makes it second only to the Family Circus.

Sloth Alert: Originally syndicated 2-7-03

5-10-08: This cartoon raises a lot of questions:

Why does god have a wife? Why does god need a wife? Why is god married to a Scandanavian? Is god physically in need of someone to cook and clean and give him blow-jobs? Does god even have a penis?Is Ms. god allowed to have a "headache"? Can she get pregnant? Why are they clothed? Why would they be either hot or cold? Why are they in a house? Why does god look like an old man? Why does god have wrinkles? How could god age? Who services his air-conditioner? Why would god allow anything to be "ruined"? Why is he watching an old analogue TV equipped with a "rabbit ear" antenna? What is he watching? Being omnipotent doesn't he already know everything, hasn't he already seen everything? Where does that door lead to? Where could that door lead to?

Boy! Either god is one dumb guy or this is one stupid cartoon.

5-12-08: I really have very little sympathy for Mr. Roboto, especially since the Quigman's have been insulting America's collective intelligence for decades.

Sloth Alert: Joke written by Rocco so old Hicky-Pant's only fault this time is his bad judge character.

5-13-08: I opened the paper today and saw the title "Rotten Stinking Garbage" staring back at me where the Quigmans usually dwell. For a brief moment I thought my prayers had been answered, that the Quigmans had been replaced by something markedly better. But, sad to say, it was just my fevered hopes boiling over again. Same old shit, in other words.

Sloth Alert: The cartoon first splattered against the porceline fixture on 8-29-03.

5-14-08: Ah, bandwidth and spam. They go together like the SALT II Agreement and pepper, like Kevin Bacon and eggs, like the cotton gin and a whiskey chaser, like the Bil of Rights and a Republican President.

"Starting a bandwidth" is a lot like saying you made the Kessel run in 12 parsecs. In other words, it's the sort of thing a douchebag might cough up in an effort to impress people hopefully dumber than himself.

Sloth Alert: This little stagger down memory lane first appeared in print on 12-18-03.

5-15-08: Euphemisms for drunkeness are many and varied. Like a good set of tits there's almost no word one can apply to either that wouldn't be acceptable given a fair degree of ribald innuendo.

But confusing "ripped" (drunk) for "ripped" (muscular)? You'd have to be either ripped (drunk) or Hickerson (witless).

Sloth Alert: We had hoped it was last call on this crummy gag when it first appeared on 9-23-03. We were wrong.

5-16-08: I wonder how many of the gluttons for punishment who read the Quigmans understand that this joke is about the group "Doctors Without Borders", or "Medecins Sans Frontieres" as it's known everywhere else in this world. I mean, it's not exactly the NRA or the ACLU.

More significant is old Hicky-Pants' questionable use of the word "hastily" when I think, had he bothered to tear himself away from Celebrity Rehab,  he would have realized he meant to say "unwisely"  or "imprudently". You see, it's completely possible to do things both hastily and without error... unless you're writing Quigmans jokes. 

Let the hastily fucking-up begin!

5-17-08: Hah-ha! Benny's going to die because he loves a woman who has no capacity for compassion.

Sloth Alert: Well, it's been six years since this joke was last used by Buddy, 11-7-02 to be exact, so I guess Mr. Anorexic is now Mr. Suffused With Night Crawlers.

5-19-08: There's an old saying among humorists... "It's funny because its true."

Not in this case. Defintely not in this case.

Sloth Alert: I try to imagine why old Hicky-Pants would use such a rotten gag and then I notice this one was written by his little succubus, Gygli, and then I am comforted, secure in the knowledge that there exists some Faustian bargain in play. There can be no other answer.

5-20-08: For a moment there I thought that this gag was from at least the early 1900's as the phrase "warm and fuzzy" has long since been disassociated with the modern, fascistic, taser-happy police force we've come to know and loathe.

But, alas, this gag is merely a reprise from October of 2003.

So the only thing here that's "warm and fuzzy" is Buddy's brain, and I'm not so certain about the "warm" part.

5-21-08: I may be guilty of speaking as an inveterate critic of all things Quigmanesque but shouldn't this guy have projected at least some infinitessimal degree of cuteness? This is, for all intents and purposes, a gargoyle.

Perhaps this woman is blind, perhaps she's talking to someone off-panel. With the way Buddy draws, it's hard to tell.

Sloth Alert: Hey! Look at that! Another re-used Quigman cartoon, all the way from 8-27-03. This makes the 11th regurgitated Quigmans this month... out of 18 total cartoons. I don't call this the "sloth alert" for nuthin'.

5-22-08: This gag has all the sophistication and subtlety of self-service fellatio, including the oh-so refreshing after-taste.

5-23-08: Mona is quite the ignorant little slut, isn't she? Not only has she managed to somehow alienate all 4.5 billion male humans on this planet, to the point where copulation with lower life forms is now her only real option, but now she's offering herself to a creature that would most likely use a cell phone to crack acacia seed-pods.

Poor desperate, demented little cartoonist, I mean, girl.

To be perfectly honest, I wouldn't mind a hot, babboon-on-blonde action in my comic section but Brad Degroot and Toni Daytona already have that concession covered.

Sloth Alert: Speaking of lower life forms, this gag hasn't evolved a whit, or wit, since its original debut on 2-22-03.

5-24-08: Most cartoonist's would use their craft to champion the plight of the poor and homeless, but not Buddy Hickerson. Given the opportunity to point and laugh at the dispossessed he's the first in line.



Sloth Alert: Originally syndicated 2-6-01.

5-26-08: I'm not sure how one "steals" precious moments unless it involves a 9mm Glock, some gaffers tape, a fake mustache, a blindfold, three hi-def video cameras and a quart of anal lube. Just for starters, of course.

Sloth Alert: Memmmmmmmmmmm-ries.....light the dim and dusty corners of Buddy's so-called mind. Misty water-colored memories, of old Quigmans from 6-16-03.

5-27-08: Lousy comic strips, like the Quigmans, are like little demons that entwine themselves into the soul of our daily newspapers. And there they stay, forever, daring you to read them as you skip from Blondie to Snuffy Smith to Family Circus.

Luckily for us there exists an exorcism ritual even you can perform.... just send an email to the comic editor of your local newspaper and ask for something better than what you're getting. If you need suggestions go to chron.com for a large, free assortment of available alternatives.

See? Easy.

5-28-08: "It's the damndest thing. There's this disembodied voice that keeps complaining about our single giant berry but we have no idea where it's coming from. We suspect it's the work of some hack artist who doesn't understand perspective or basic scene composition but we'll keep looking."

5-29-08: Ujjayi breathing is accomplished entirely through the nose. For all intents and purposes old Hicky-Pants could have had the breath shooting out of the guy's ass. It wouldn't be unfamiliar territory to Buddy as that's where he evidently gets most of his ideas.

Sloth Alert: Do I even have to tell you that this is an old, reused, regurgitated comic? All the way from 6-14-04.

5-30-08: There are three major things wrong with this joke:

(1) No one can smoke in an air terminal.
(2) Literally everyone owns a cell phone.
(3) A major babe would never take the time or the trouble to talk to a loser.

This gag reads like an old, old, ollllld Quigmans cartoon, which it probably is, but I don't have record of that. It happens

5-31-08: Charles Manson had the same problem as Enok and BOY was he ever a riot!

This cartoon is very enlightening as it explains that old Hicky-pants must listen to some form of music that reinforces his belief that he's still funny. Milli Vanilli comes immediately to mind.

Sloth Alert: If you think you've seen this cartoon before then, no, you're not crazy but you have an amazing memory as it first appeared 2-10-03.