11-1-08: I'm going to re-write this joke so that it's almost funny:

Dog 1: You love Fifi but she's moving too fast? What's that mean?
Dog2 : It means she's already packed and moved out.

See? 25% fewer words, same effect. This is of course another example of the Lebanese Fry Cook Syndrome that so often strikes Bunky in the midst of his comedic muse. The primary symptom of the malady is the random inability to understand English, especially as it refers to humor.



Regurgitation Report: On the right edge of the original art, seen at left, you can see a littlle tab sticking out, a tab that is not in today's iteration of the cartoon. If it were a bit larger you would see that it's actually a little shining sign saying "BEER". Yes, the cartoon has two characters obviously at a bar, sharing drinks and Bunky needed to remind the viewer that they're in a bar.

The sign was removed so Bunky could have room for the new syndicate info. Although why he felt compelled to move his signature, on the lower left, downwards is anyone's guess.

Bunky also cut off the top and bottom of the original. Double-shrug.

11-3-08: There is no snarkalicious review today. Since Bunky obviously doesn't give a shit about the Quigs any longer, why should I?

Now go vote.

PS,Go Obama!

11-4-08: You probably don't realize this but I never immediately post the latest Quigmans cartoon as I feel that would unnecessarily deprive legitimate entertainment sources of their vital ad revenue, so I always wait until the next day to post my little snarks. But not today. The cartoon above is today's Quigmans cartoon, dated 11-4-08, and there's a reason it's here.

You see, today is different. Today is possibly the most important election day in U.S. history. Ever. Today we'll know if America is irrevocably and forevermore caught in the choking grip of a Republican plutocracy or if there is yet hope for this young nation.

Most comic strips seem to have understood the seriousness of the occasion and have made a spirited and, dare I say it, patriotic attempt to spur their readers to vote, regardless of their choice of candidate, though most seem to *wink-wink* lean progressive. I applaud their attempt. I commend their interest. I extol their foresight.

So what do we get from Buddy Hickerson? A cartoon about office olympics, a cartoon that was first syndicated back in the early 90s and which last appeared 2-20-01. Four weeks ago, when Buddy chose this cartoon out of a stack of many others today was just another day to him. He could have cared less. Just slap a new date on that sucker and head for the recliner.

That, in microcosm, is why this site exists, almost entirely to spite a man, purportedly a humorist, who seems totally bereft of an operational conscience. I hope this is not totally lost on anyone able to digest this vast trove of ill-humored data.



Regurgitation Report: This cartoon was originally captioned "2001 Office Olmypics" but that caption was removed for today's version because, otherwise, it would have looked stupid.

11-5-08: The phrase "Axis of Evil" was stillborn when it was created in 2003 as anyone with a functioning brain stem knew that Iraq, Iran and/or North Korea appreciated one another with the same warm approval one normally regards a nursery full of rabid wolverine. It was clear that the phrase was just another slimy nugget of propaganda puked up by the Bushies, designed specifically to frighten the millions of Stupids that litter the suburbs. Unfortunately, it worked, helping grease the skids of the Mission Accomplished Express right into the oil fields of northern Iraq. Some of those same Stupids still believe that Osama bin Hussein impregnated their dog... or something.

These days the phrase is used as a sign of derision, almost always applied ironically, having approximately the same meaning as "imaginary rabid wolverine". Of course there ARE the occasional Stupids who didn't get the memo and drag it out in all seriousness to howls of derision... as when Sarah Palin described Barack Obama, Harry Reed and Nancy Pelosi as the "you-know-what of you-know-what". What a horses you-know-what.

Yeah, that was pretty funny.

So running this five year old cartoon in 2008 is like, in 2012, reusing an old Quigman from 2008 that featured Sarah Palin. You see, they were both stupid at the time but now they're just stupid.



Puke Patrol: It's the stupid, Stupid.

11-6-08: "No, I'm clearly much too large to fit in that suit. Only a complete idiot would even suggest such a thing, even as a joke. Why don't you simply fire me, you gutless, classless succubus?"



Regurgitation Promontory: Do you realize that when this cartoon last appeared the U.S. had a budget surplus of over $300 billion dollars, employment was at an all-time high and Bill Clinton was still in the White House?

Thanks for rubbing it in, Bunky.

11-7-08: Just a couple of observations:

(1) One of the more common complaints women have about men is that they don't talk enough. But, this cartoon is written by a guy famous for his misogynous prose so no big whoop.

(2) If women could add a magical widget to their iTouch/iPhone that could physically alter their men-folk in some way chances are good that it would not be the mouth.

(3) This device has so many porn applications that the idea of limiting it to the mouth alone is stupifying.

11-8-08: Having one cartoon character use a giant eraser to eliminate another seems a bit counter-productive. It would be like one snail massaging salt into another snail's skin. Or Superman using Kryptonite to kill another super-person from Krypton. Or voting for McCain to ensure change.

Wouldn't simply saying "Goodbye, Bob. You've been a girl's worst nightmare. Please go and never darken my door again" work a lot better than pummeling his chest with a giant eraser? All this says to me is Bob, laying on his back, thinking "She really DOES care."


Regurgitation Report: This technique would have come in real handy 8 years ago, when this cartoon was first printed, if we could have similarly erased the butterfly ballots in Broward County, Florida.

I would settle for just having this cartoon erased from my memory.

11-10-08: “Gosh, that’s… unfortunate as I’m now completely blind. Perhaps if they’d sing a charming tune or tell a little joke I might find some small bit of comfort, but instead they mock my sightlessness and so I numb my misery with drink.

Even imbibing has its share of risks as my bladder left months ago to work the Ron Paul campaign and I hear one of my kidneys is presently selling Buicks in Boise.

Saddest of all is my phallus, who was doing well flipping condos in Las Vegas until he got cozy with the wrong waitress. They discovered his body packed in a bottle of Gatorade Xtreme in a discarded refrigerator outside of Winnemucca.

Yes, I curse the day I ever signed that organ donor card.”

11-11-08: Phil subsequently spent the few remaining weeks of his life suffering the tortures of the damned as his body was racked with lesions, sarcomas and various agonizing cancers. But at least he had convenient access to popcorn for a few days.

If I understand this premise correctly, he's making popcorn in his mouth, spitting it out, then eventually eating it.

Ewwwwwwwwww.

Sloth Alert: And who wrote this terrible gag? Angela Szyszka wrote this terrible gag. Terrible, ain't it?



Puke Promontory: I see Bunky is stuck in the 00's as his last three artful upchucks are from that fateful year.

Technical Note: For some odd reason Bunky widened the artwork and completed the arms. Shrug.

11-12-08: Casper used to be a fun guy. We used to roll drunks, beat queers, steal from old people, father-stabbin, mother-rapin', all kindsa mean, nasty stuff. Then Wendy got her mitts on him, pumped him full of Spiritalin and he’s been a major douche ever since.

Sloth Alert: And who wrote this terrible gag? Oh my gosh! It was Angela Szyszka who wrote this terrible gag. She wrote yesterday's crappy gag, too, although it was a repeat from three years earlier. Did you piss Bunky off or something, Ange? Regardless, I'll wager that this is the first comic strip in history that used the phrase "I hate people!" as a punchline. See if you can guess what that reason might be, campers.



Upchuck Update: Tsk-tsk. Another recycled Quigmans, this one from 2003. It's funny how at times there almost seems to be a pattern in the re-use of the old strips, especially when more than one from the same year appears sequentially, but then BOOM! a totally different era is recycled and then it's back to the old "rummage around in the bottom of a gunny sack until something sticks to your hand" approach.

11-13-08: If Ben Franklin were alive today he’d probably say something like “Odds! Bodkins! For ‘tis buried alive I find myself, anon. In small order shall I be freaking the heck out. A pox upon those who would reanimate me in such cruel fashion. Jeepers and forsooth!”



Upchuck Update: This historical relic has now been used at least four times. I wrote the gag back in the early 90's, when the cartoon first appeared, but it was also re-used 4-5-97 and 9-28-02, not to mention today's iteration.

11-14-08: More like, where the play on words justifies not making the effort to write a decent gag.



Upchuck Update: Whoops! After plowing aimlessly through the back stock of Quigmans 2000-2003 we're up in 2004 country now. But it's sort of like driving through Kansas, where it's all pretty much the same boring crappola.

11-15-08: "Shrew"?

Who the heck uses the word "shrew" anymore to describe a woman? You might as well just call her a harpy, a fish-wife, a fire-eater or a virago.

Yes, virago. Look it up.

And to draw the woman AS a shrew? Just more of that legendary Hinkerton misogyny.

Seriously, suppose Bunky had used the more popular words "bitch" or "cow" and drawn the woman above to resemble either of those animals. Yeah, that would have been REAL funny.

I think the only thing that saves Bunky from being drawn and quartered by the Los Angeles chapter of Women's Lib is that most people don't even know what a shrew IS. Think what they'd done if they knew Bunky had drawn an "elephant" shrew. Which he did.



Upchuck Update: Yes, just another re-used Quigmans, #147 for 2008.

11-17-08: "Yes! That's him! That's the guy!"

"Uh, sir, you do realize there's no law against being a complete, self-absorbed asshole, right?"

"But my finger is pointing right at him! He's clearly culpable! I must have justice!"

"Really, sir, there's nothing we can do within the confines of the legal system. Perhaps you ought to consider starting a blog and publicly notating this cretin's every moral and ethical transgression. If he has any conscience at all he'll be so embarrassed he might eventually mend his ways and stop being such an immense jackass."

"Yeah, but what's the possibility of that?"

"It's not impossible, but I'd expect to see Sarah Palin's picture on the dollar bill long before this guy donates a pint of blood."



That Emitic Moment: Does it seem as though I'm wasting my time showing these little thumbnails of the original artwork as they appeared oh, so many years ago? It's true that there's virtually no difference between this and the larger one above but that's exactly the point I'm making.

11-18-08: "Gradiated".

Sigh.

Just in case you're wondering, when this comic first dazzled the comic-reading public back in 2000 with it's sharp, satiric wit the word was spelled, as it should be, "graduated".

Yes, at Hinkerton International, the quality falls off, tumbles into the cesspool and gets anally raped by incontinent insurance salesmen before the name goes on.

In addition, the original caption began with the words "Haw! Haw! BURP!". Just why the comic is improved due to the elimination of these choice words is known only to Bunky himself.



Regurgitation Report: Oh, look! It's the same art only with new dates and syndicate info. Wowsers!

11-19-08: I have this vision of giant Dik Brownes and giant Mort Walkers squatting over Buddy’s art table, frantically whiting-out old dates and syndication info of soon-to-be-recycled Quigmans comics.



Regurgitation Report: Speaking of which, this cartoon last graced the funny pages on June 13, 2001.

11-20-08: Unable TO write a decent GAG, Bunky began to CAPITALIZE random WORDS.



Regurgitation Report: Is it FUNNY yet?

11-21-08: In medieval times, long before camera were invented, travelers from distant lands would return with stories of fantastical creatures like the elephant and the giraffe. Artists of the time did their best to render these descriptions accurately, woodcuts being the most popular method, but their interpretations of these animals are considered ridiculous now because, well, travellers tended to exagerrate. So what if the giraffe didn't have three foot fangs or the rhinoceros seldom swam into the harbor to sink ships. It made a bitchin' story.

Now, I know Bunky has seen a Playboy Magazine or two often enough to know how the centerfold works but this cartoon gives the appearance that he likewise took his description of one from a drunken sailor in port from Zanzibar. Or Newark.



Regurgitation Report: A four-time loser, also used in the early 90s, 11-23-98,10-8-03 and today.

11-22-08: "Hi there. Have you met Bob yet? If you need to work off any free-floating anxieties or verbalize any self-loathing then Bob's your guy. You can insult him right to his face and he doesn't care. We all think it's hilarious to do this but that's because we're all heartless bastards. And the best part? Bob doesn't care if we're heartless bastards. So pile on. Bob doesn't care... and neither do we!"



Upchuck Update: This is the eleventh recycled Quigmans in a row. Way to go there, Bunky.

11-24-08: Just think of all the many unpleasant ways that a person could be so loathesome as to totally forego interaction in a social situation. Let's count off a few, shall we?

Radioactivity, leprosy, body hair impacted with large fecal masses, NRA membership, puppeteering, a predisposition towards making bad puns, repeating everything the other person says in a high-pitched sing-song voice, repeatedly scratching one's groin and then sniffing one's fingers, a Michael Bay fan, Buddy Hickerson and so many, many others.

Now think of how hilarious it would be to spend a long evening with such a person. I, personally, can't stop chuckling just thinking about it.

Technical Note: When this cartoon first surfaced way back in 2004 this big, handsome lug boasted of having "offed" a friend instead of having "killed" a friend. The difference is so minute they're using the large hadron collider to make sure.

See? Science can be fun!



Upchuck Update: This is the twelfth recycled Quigmans in a row. Don't hurt yourself, Bunky.

11-25-08: And he’s wearing them in his shoes.

On the positive side, the re-use of this old Quigmans cartoon means one less sheet of bristol board wasted so, in a sense, it’s good for the ecology.

There, I said something nice about the little skeeze. Ya'll happy now?



Upchuck Update: This is the 13th regurgitated Quigmans in a row. Evidently Bunky is working double-shifts at Taco Bell this season.

11-26-08: So he's happy AND stressed at the same time? That's sort of an oxymoron, like "jumbo shrimp" or "military intelligence" or "honest lawyer" or "Quigmans joke".



Puke Promontory: This is the 14th recycled Quigmans in a row. Evidently Bunky is trapped in a well with Timmy, wondering when that damned dog will show up to rescue them.

11-27-08: A four-year-old joke and even older street slang. It's sort of like watching Vanilla Ice screaming "Where's the beef?"

Or reading the Quigmans.



Puke Promontory: This is the 15th recycled Quigmans in a row. Evidently Bunky has been kidnapped by Flemish slavers and is, by now, probably somewhere in Wangzhou, chained to a wall, making knock-off Nike's for street vendors in Hong Kong.

11-28-08: This Quigmans comic originally debuted in December of '04, so I guess the complete gibberish it expresses is no doubt some sort of homage to the latest stolen election by the Worst President Ever.

Four years later Bush is the lamest of lame ducks, totally without relevance or influence... not unlike the Quigmans.



Puke Promontory: This is the 16th recycled Quigmans in a row.

At this point we have to assume the worst. I imagine Bunky's crab-nibbled corpse washing up on the shore of Laguna Beach. I see tourist's hamming it up, taking turns poking the semi-solid remains with a stick while numerous camcorders grind away at the lurid spectacle. Tomorrow the videos will appear on Youtube where its arrival will be quickly overshadowed by a documentary style production of a baby coughing up a set of keys to the family Saab, in slow motion, accompanied by the strangled, overproduced wails of the latest pop-music phenom.

But I'm just guessing.

11-29-08: This guy's brows are low, lower than anyone else's in the room. They're so far down that they've compressed his eyes into nothing more than dark slits and flattened his nose and lower jaw line so thoroughly they've almost been pushed completely off of his face and into his chest. True, his forehead is high, higher than the rest, but his brows are low. He is, for all intents and purposes, the lowest of the lowbrows.

You're an idiot, Bunky.



Upchuck Update: This is the 17th recycled Quigmans in a row. The sixth in a row from 2004.

Services for Bunky Hickerton will be held at the Enfeebled Cartoonist's Home at 1:30 on Thursday. In lieu of flowers the family requests donations to the "Buy Cathy A Real Nose" Foundation.