2-2-09: The first thing wrong with this cartoon is that Bucky both describes two guys in lawn chairs.... and then draws two guys in lawn chairs. We can SEE the fucking lawn chairs, Bucko! That's the magic of pictures... they're worth, like, 987 words. Or so I'm told.

The second thing wrong with this cartoon is that it takes about a half an hour to read it. If Bucky'd left out the part about the fucking lawn chairs then we'd get right to the meat of the gag. Try it yourself.

The third wrong thing is the aforementioned "meat" of the cartoon. At least 3/4 of the Quigmans target audience, when they aren't out hunting for aluminum cans to trade for day-old do-nuts, couldn't find "languorous" in a dictionary with the help of Richard Dawkins, much less define it. This is assuming they even own a dictionary, know what one is, or aren't currently using it to prop up the still out by the crick.

The fourth thing wrong with this cartoon? It's a Quigmans.

2-3-09: I went to Google and searched for "fat midget" and aside from a lot of EXTREMELY naughty pictures (Evidently those randy little bastards get a lot of tail!) this was the best example I could find. Doesn't look a whole lot like a baby, now does it? Not even if he swims in Nair.

It could be that Bucky needs glasses. Maybe he's rotted his brain from too much Judge Judy and now everything looks like babies to him. Or perhaps, due to decades of wretched indolence, his dreams are now haunted by visages of tiny, fat people.

Seriously, those midgets can swing that hammer! I guess being shorter makes other things seem larger. Like those mirrors on cars that make things appear closer than they really are.

Maybe if I cut off my shins.....


Regurgitation Report: 2004 was the year George Bush stole his second election. It was a VERY bad year. Which explains why this is the 15th Quigmans recycled cartoon from 2004. Evidently Bucky just can't live without the stench of Bush around.

You're a sick man, Bucky Hinkerton.

Sick. Sick. Sick.

2-4-09: "It's the Fucking Stupid Report, brought you by McDonald's. Are you fucking lovin' it?

Our first Fucking Stupid Item is this Quigmans cartoon, which manifestly believes that minimum-wage teenagers are capable of hurling a 500lb sandwich at least eight feet and, in the process, hitting a moving target.

That's fucking stupid!

The second Fucking Stupid Item is also this Quigmans cartoon which believes a person would stand completely still and allow a 500lb sandwich to be dropped on top of them, crushing them to death.

That's fucking stupid, too!

And our final Fucking Stupid Item of the day is... this... Quigmans... cartoon. (Note: Fire writing staff.) Evidently McRonald's believes there's some benefit to be had in killing your customers.

That's really fucking stupid!

That's all the time we have today, kids! This is Cuntly Dewlap saying 'See you tomorrow' on the Fucking Stupid Report! Remember, if it's stupid, we're fucking with it."


Regurgitation Report: This is the 16th recycled Quigmans cartoon from 2004 and the 24th recycled Quigmans cartoon overall for 2009.

2-5-09: The beauty of this particular premise is that it's so versatile. All you have to do is draw a stone-age version of a modern day occupation, like an architect or a quantum theorist or a poodle walker, and then WHAM have his skull caved-in for no detectable reason by a passing troglodyte.

Of course, there's no real humor here but it gets Bucky back to Judge Judy (or his job at Taco Bell) a lot quicker than actually creating something entertaining.

When Gary Larson created this same joke the art on the wall purposely resembled the cretin with the club, which gave the primordial thug an actual reason to club the artist. But Bucky's too languorous to understand motivation.

Worst of all is the premise itself, which paves new inroads into the Land of Trite. Just for grins I searched Google for "stone age art critic" and in three minutes found the same gag four different ways:

Numero Uno
Numreo Two-o
Numero Three-o
Numero Four-o

No doubt there are zillions more similar examples but Google has its limits.


Regurgitation Report: This is the 25th recycled Quigmans cartoon overall for 2009. Although 16 of them hailed from the blighted year of 2004, this one is a token from 2003.

2-6-09: Women! They'll fuck any guy if he has money. They'll fuck him even if he's only rumored to have money. They'll even fuck him if he has no money at all as long as he has no debt. Yes, women are not only avaricious demons, they have no self-respect.

Oh, those women! They're so amusingly, stereotypically, short-sightedly greedy.

2-7-09: Two days ago (see above) the Quigmans cartoon featured one caveman whacking another caveman on the noggin with a neolithic shilelagh. The whack to the head was the punchline. Oh, how we laughed.

Judging by this cartoon I'd say that Bucky isn't just stuck in a rut, he owns the rut. In fact, he's got a mortgage, a wife and two kids in that rut. He's hoping to someday add on to the rut with a split-level rut and a guest rut out back for his mother-in-law.


Regurgitation Report: This makes the 26th recycled Quigmans cartoon, and the 17th re-used cartoon from 2004, thus far in 2009.

2-9-09: A bum is a job? Really? According to the dictionary it's "a person who does no work". So it's really the exact opposite of a job.

Good goin', Bucky! You may be batting a perfect .000 but I'm certain you'll get the hang of English yet.

However, just for grins, let's suppose that there exists a collegiate-level curriculum for attaining a degree in bumming. What courses might that include?

Hmmmmm.

How about "Appliance Remote Control Activation". "Creative Xeroxing". "Advanced Plagiarism". "Ethics Shmethics". "Barcalounger 101".

No, wait! That'd be the program to become a Quigmans cartoonist.

Blush.

2-10-09: "By the way, dude, did I mention the lava pits you'll be swimming through, the oceans of broken glass you'll be hop-scotching across, the cascading fountains of fecal material you'll be drinking from and the hourly ass-raping you'll be experiencing at the hands of Satan's imps and demons, dude? Ann Coulter and cancer of the bung-hole sound pretty sweet by comparison now, eh, dude?"

Adden-dumb: A visitor to gocomics.com, George T., wrote in to remind me that Bucky used the word "prostrate" rather than "prostate" in the punchline. Good catch, George! I'm going to blame the miss on sleep deprivation. Bucky can use whatever excuse he chooses.



Two new Quigmans in a row? What madness is this? I can only imagine Bucky's job as chief rat-wrangler at What-A-Burger has been outsourced to an Armenian glee club, and that his long-time girlfriend, Miriam Carnusky, has left him for the arms of a bandy-legged wop waiter named Raoul who promised her a never-ending supply of Listerine-flavoured waffles and an assortment of large hickeys, while simultaneously his frequent-buyers card at Wolverine's R Us has been revoked due to frequent late charges, so he's turned to the art board to relieve his suffering through the creation of new and not-so-exciting things that sort of resemble comics if you hold it at an oblique angle to the sun and squint real hard. Really, really hard.

2-11-09: Bucky has been been using a lot of cartoons lately from 2004. In fact, this is the 17th Quigmans cartoon from 2004 so far this year. I've long been puzzled by this behavior. It's almost as if time had stopped for Bucky in 2005.

Then I remembered that Terri Schiavo died in 2005 after her brain melted from being in a coma for 15 years.

Yes. Terri Schiavo, a woman with a withered brain, was writing Quigmans jokes. That's the only way to explain this cartoon. And the past ten years.



Regurgitation Report: As Michael Jackson always says, "There's nothing like a four-year-old", so you know he'd just LOOOVE this crappy old comic.

2-12-09: Jager? Don't you mean Jagermeister? Who the fuck is Jager? Even Google doesn't know who or what "Jager" is supposed to be.

Wouldn't this joke have had more than just a scintilla of humor if the guy's name was Kleenex? Or Bar Stool? Juke Box, Projectile Vomit or Exit Sign?

How about Al Kaholic or Enid Briated or Margarita Tippler or Ian Toxicated or Iva Drinkinproblem or Hugh Rinal?

But what do you expect from a guy named "Bud". His name sure isn't "Art".



Regurgitation Report: So far this year this makes the 17th recycled Quigmans comic from 2004. I'm starting to have suspicions that Bucky's apartment was invaded by rats, who proceeded to eat everything except the 2004 edition of the Quigmans.

Even rats have standards, I guess.

2-13-09: Yes, very commendable. Hemp is certainly a woefully underused natural product. But that still doesn't alter the fact that Mr. Natural made all of his money selling the eyeball juices of newborn babies to Wall Street bankers, who use it to lube their nether-sphincters when Satan comes to plow some profits back deep into the bowels of the company.



Regurgitation Report: That was an anal-sex-with-Satan reference, in case you missed it. I know it's a repugnant vision but, heck, you came here to read the Quigmans so you're not getting any pity from me.

Oh yes, this is the 18th re-used Quigmans comic from 2004 used in 2009 so far.

2-14-09: Google is absolutely amazing. Like New York, if you can't find it there, you can't find it anywhere.

For example, I crafted the phrase "nether-spincter" in yesterday's rebuke of the Quigs and I was surprised that a Google search resulted in 288 other uses. That the result is so low is not surprising as the phrase has little practical application.

So I plugged  in "attach my shame" at Google and was surprised to received ZERO results. Yes, no one in the entire history of the internet has ever used that horse-shit phrase. I then reduced it simply to "attach shame" and got 1100 results. Not bad, but in the process look at what I found:

This cartoon is by Bruce Eric Kaplan of the New Yorker magazine. In fact, three of the first five Google results referred to this very cartoon. So let's do the math:

(Bucky's notoriously inept language skills)+(use of obscure phrase)+(old cartoon from prestigious magazine that used the phrase) = More Hinkerton horse-shit.

I'm just sayin'.


Regurgitation Report: The original caption of this cartoon was "If you could come on board with me ASAP, we could fast-track this romance before the end of 2005."

Yes, even Bucky himself thought the original joke sucked.

2-16-09: I honestly believe a cartoon about an internet sleuth could be pretty funny. This ain't it.

As for this particular comic, I wonder if Sam would be interested in a case of fraud? I'm thinking in particular of a certain cartoonist who re-uses old material and passes it off as new on several comics-based web sites.

Addendum: I should point out that Bucky meant to say “distinguishing features” rather than “discerning” ones. Look ‘em up yourself.

Needless to say, Bucky’s hilarious inability to use English strikes again.


Sloth Alert: Hello, Respess, whoever you are. Rather than enabling Bucky's continuing attempts at cartooning with these half-assed japes perhaps you ought to consider an intervention and getting Bucky into a job he'd be good at. Like door-to-door pet enemas or sucking the gas out of abandoned SUV's. It'd be for the best. Really.

2-17-09: This comic would have been so much funnier if the doctor had used a shotgun to bring the patient down instead of a spear gun. Just Ka-BOOM! and down he'd go.

No, wait... the doctor should use one of them ninja grapples but aimed for his eyes. That would be hilarious, man! Can you imagine those big hooks caught in both eyes? The guy would be like all screaming and shit if he was conscious.

No-no-no-no! I got it! Napalm! He should, like, torch the guy with a few well-placed rounds until he's nothin' but hamburger up there. That would be awesomely epicly cool!

Man! Pain is so totally hilarious when it happens to someone else.




Snark Report: Last week we got two new, though sucky, Quigmans cartoons on Monday and Tuesday, while the rest of the week was the usual recycled garbage. This week we again got new, though unsurprisingly sucky, Quigs on Monday and Tuesday. It'll be interesting to see what Wednesday brings as it raises the possibility that Bucky is now under some official direction to at least cough up two new cartoons a week.

Oh, lucky us.

2-18-09: Moron Point #1: According to Wikipedia and various online dictionaries, swashbucklers were heroes, not villains, and this is clearly a pirate. (There are some arcane references to swashbucklers defined as "braggarts" but, to be precise, this is a buccaneer, corsair, filibuster, freebooter, marauder, picaroon or privateer. But not a swashbuckler.

Moron Point #2: So a guy dresses up in a pirate costume festooned with Nike swooshes and enters an ad agency to do.... what, exactly? I believe the receptionist's left hand is furiously pounding the security button.

Moron Point #3: Why isn't he wearing Nike shoes? Or at least a Nike peg-leg? (There seems to be a tiny "something" on the floor by his boot, but it's still by no means a sneaker.)

Congratulations, Bucky. You're three for three.



Regurgitation Report: The original caption to this cartoon was - "I used to be a fierce pirate, but swashbuckling doesnt pay like it used to, so now I'm a Nike swoosh-buckler."

So it's mercifully shorter, but still tragically unfunny.

2-19-09: Moron Point #1: Since when is the promise of a hollow tree a useful tool in the art of seduction?

Moron Point #2: We're supposed to gather that this is a Keebler elf, but I'm not sure why. This could easily be Crackle after cortisone treatments.

Moron Point #3: No one smokes in the comics anymore, Bucky, you moron! Not unless the cartoon is over five years old.... which this is.

Congratulations, Bucky. You're still batting a perfect three for three.



Regurgitation Report: The original caption referred to the cookie dough as having a "suffocating, incessant stench" but the suffocating part got nixed. (Funny how the word got axed but not the cigarette.)

I guess someone with a more sophisticated brain-like substance than Bucky's (which could be any mammal, actually) reminded him that while the smell of cookie dough can be, indeed, incessant it is hardly ever "suffocating".

Yes, from the what-passes-for-a-mind of the man who brought you pine-scented perfume (see 2-11-09 Quigmans) comes cookie dough that stinks.

2-20-09: Tip For the Clueless #1: If a man is wearing a nice suit and appears to be talking to himself, then he's probably just having a conversation on a bluetooth-equipped cell phone.

If a man is wearing three sweaters in July, is sitting against the wall of a laundromat in a pool of his own urine and appears to be talking to himself, then he's probably talking to himself.

If a cartoonist draws what may or may not be a mentally-challenged homeless person, in what may or may not be a bar, talking to someone who may or may not be another mentally-challenged homeless person, then that cartoonist is a moron.

2-21-09: It's hard to imagine under what circumstances that a person could confuse the words "adapt" and "adopt"? They'd have to be really stupid. Really, really, really stupid.

It's also hard to imagine why a person would go to all the trouble of regaining the mountaintop, with a brace of kids in tow, just to be upbraided by the all-wise guru for being stupid. Really, really, really stupid.

No one ever would. Such a thing only happens in really stupid cartoons. Really, really, really, stupid cartoons written by really, really, realy stupid cartoonists.


Regurgitation Report: This really, really, really stupid Quigmans is the 24th cartoon from 2004 re-used in 2009.

Really.

2-23-09: Way to go, Bucky. Now the gays have a good reason to hate you, too.

But perhaps I'm a bit too hasty. Maybe we should take a moment to seriously discuss this young cow's struggle with prejudice and abuse.

Ummmmmmm.....

Unfortunately, the nature of this prejudice and abuse is completely unclear as Bucky didn't bother fleshing the gag out, therefore this cartoon is the graphic equivalent of wanking-off into a handy sweat sock.

In other words, the same-old, same-old, Quigmans-style.


Technical note: You may not be able to make it out but Bucky has added a tiny "www.creators.com" to the upper left edge of the cartoon. I went to Creators and checked the other comics out and none of them display that URL. This is, therefore, Bucky's laughable attempt to divert attention away from this web site. It never worked with either of the two previous syndicates and it aint gonna work now.

2-24-09: Wheeee!

I mean... Boooo!

A Quigmans cartoon that's a full ten years old. Too bad it's not more like wine which would, therefore, improve with age. This one, to the contrary, still has that heady bouquet of stinky feet, moldy guacamole and pine-scented perfume.


Regurgitation Report: Remarkably, not only is this cartoon originally from 11-17-99 but it was also later re-used 6-29-04. And yet, Bucky still hasn't been either tarred and/or feathered in all that time.

I blame this disinterest in frontier justice on chlorine in the water.

2-25-09: It seems Bucky left out an obvious silverwear-related pun or two. Let me help.

Stick a fork in it. Butter me up. Once upon a tine. Slice of life. Cutting remarks. Handle with care. Guess who's coming to dinner? Skewered me. Get a handle on it. On the cutting edge. Getting the point. Sabre the moment. Tarnished memories. Scratch the surface. Get to the meat of the matter. Dig in. Get your hands off me! Spreading yourself thin. Crossing swords. Stabbed in the back. Fork in the road. Handle with care. Matching set. Mismatched set. Made for each other. Like salt and pepper. Hand to mouth. Left hand doesn't know what the right hand is doing. Greasy spoon. Ladling it on kind of thick. He's got a knife! Fork you, Bucky!

Et-forking-cetera.


Regurgitation Report: For the second consecutive day we get a ten-year-old Quigmans that has already been used twice before. This one originally appeared 11-11-99 and was later re-used 6-15-04.

It seems to me if you were going to re-use an old cartoon the least you could do is use a funny one.

Oh.. wait... this is the Quigmans. None of them are funny. Dopey me.

2-26-09: If these exact same words haven't already been uttered by Leroy Lockhorn at least a dozen times by now I'll eat Mark Trail's furry hat... with him in it.


Regurgitation Report: For the third consecutive day we get a ten-year-old Quigmans, one that has, thankfully, not re-emerged from Bucky's funky, dusky, musky den since that GLORIOUS day it appeared on the comics page and immediately shat its pants.

It's amazing how much crappier the current version looks compared to the original. Offhand I'd say someone needs a stronger formulation of their Zoloft.

Finally, this gag was written by Bucky's ex-ex-ex-squeeze Angela Szyszka, only Bucky neglected to give her credit today. Class move there, Buckster.

2-27-09: This "work with me people" t-shirt leaps out at me because it's a total non sequitur, having nothing at all to do with this lousy gag. Spin relies on subtext and subtle misdirection. A more appropriate t-shirt might have read "Truth is for suckers".

"Work with me people" is simply a demand for acceptance, a desperate plea for respect even though your path is littered with failure rather than real accomplishement.

In other words, this is Bucky saying "Please like this comic. Please like me."

How about instead of saying "Quigmans cartoon" we start saying "full employment for the humor-impaired".

2-28-09: My girlfriend likes to put me on fast-forward, then pause, then fast-forward, then pause, then slow-motion, then fast-forward, then pause, then fast-forward-fast-forward-fast-forward-fast-forward-fast-forward-fast-forward-fast-forward.

Then rewind.

I'm gonna kill her.

As for this gag, this makes the second one this week that Bucky's stolen from old Lornhorns comics.