3-2-09: For the past few days I've been waxing splenetic as apparently Bucky been stealing gags from old Lockhorns comics.

Because of this comic I'm going to quit such kvetching as the gags on Bunny and John's worst day far outshine any of Bucky's drivel.

Pure. Unadulterated. Drivel.

From this day forth, when you go to Google images and look up the word "drivel" you will find this cartoon in the results. Way to go, Bucky.

3-3-09: You know what Bucky Hinkerton, genius cartoonist and creator of the Quigmans, once told me about sponges? He said when placed in a moist environment they will continue to absorb all the available liquid. All of it. In fact, according to Bucky, if you were silly enough to toss one into the ocean it would absorb every drop of water in the seven seas.

So it's a good thing there aren't any sponges in the ocean, isn't it? Thanks for the tip, Buck!


Regurgitation Report: This is a pretty terrible joke, but the first time this cartoon appeared back in April of 2002 it was even worse.

You see in that particular version, right after the doctor comes clean concerning his surgical error to the patient, Bucky had the doctor laugh about it. The doctor actually went "Ha-ha-ha!" after he confessed. But those three words are excised this time.

I just love it when Bucky proves to us what an insensitive ass he can be.

Ha-ha-ha!

3-4-09: What do you call it when a syndicated cartoon on redundancy is re-used four times? Why, you call it, without a smidgen of irony, a Quigmans cartoon.

Yes, this one originated in 1988 and has been re-used (that I know of) on four occasions... 4-16-88, 6-25-97, 3-23-02 and now 3-4-09. Below is the original artwork from 1988. Sorry for the crappy quality but it was the best the local microfiche/xerox machine could spit out.

If you look closely at the back of the TV you'll just barely make out the words "hickerson/stanfill".

Yes, I wrote this gag, but you won't find my name on the current one. This is just another unextraordinary example of the old Hinkerton charm of taking personal claim for the talent of others.

3-5-09: It's in the middle of the sidewalk. Not much hidden about that.

And what's so amusing about dogs eating out of a garbage can? Dogs will eat damn near anything. Like a diaper or rocks or a box of Kleenex, or Old Navy flip-flops, or shower loofahs or a Blackberry or one dozen unbaked yeast rolls or an inauguration ticket or a pair of glasses or fireplace ashes.

But plain old garbage? Big freaking whoop!



Regurgitation Report: Yesterday's Quigmans cartoon had been used and re-used four times. This one has seen the light of syndicated day a total of three times, appearing 12-20-01, 12-3-05 and, of course today. That averages out to 3.5 times.

I keep an accurate count of when Bucky re-uses old cartoons but in cases like these he should be going into negative numbers.

3-6-09: There are fish swimming around and there are bubbles floating upwards soooooo what's in the wine glasses?

Mercury?

Yeah, I know... lighten up. It's a cartoon. A fantasy world. Yadda-yadda-yadda.

Well, screw you.

Drawn correctly the glasses would have held a yummy worm or some other fishy treat. This scenario is just Bucky's lazy-man catch-all set-up. It's not innovative, it's not artistic, it's just quick and dirty, a way for Bucky to avoid drawing characters from the waist down.

It's not a comic strip, folks, it's a puppet show.



Regurgitation Report: For the longest time Bucky has dredged the 2004 Quigmans archives for cartoons to re-submit, but today it's a minor messterpiece from 2005.

It's a little baffling why Bucky would take the time or expend the effort of reaching for a different year's collection. Maybe it just depends on what folder he's using that day as a hot pad for his Swanson Hungryman Babbaganoush.

3-7-09: Oooooh! Snap!

We guys all know the pain of being told to "Turn around" by some girl at a party. Right? I said, am I right?

Actually, no, we haven't. Usually the rebuff uses language with which we're all too familiar.

Someone really needs to take that Lebanese-English handbook away from Bucky before he embarrasses himself. Again.



Regurgitation Report: I went on at length yesterday about how Bucky so often uses the simple set-up of two people at a bar, regardless of the subject of the joke (it was two fish yesterday), as it frees him of the awful burden of having to draw his characters from the waist down. So far, as of 2009, this amounts to 15 cartoons of this type. That's one of about every three cartoons.

So for 2009 Bucky's re-used 41 cartoons out of a possible 55. So not only are you getting only 25% new material but 1/3 of that isn't even being drawn.

Let me say it one more time... "What's the fucking point, Buck?"

3-9-09: If this cartoon had depicted a fat-cat Wall-Streeter holding this same exact sign it would have only been the zillionth time since the Bush's economic bellyflop occurred that such an idea appeared in print.

Yawn.

Ahh, but that's where Bucky's comic genius comes in. You see he gave it the old switcheroo, flipped-the-flop, zigged-the-zag and put the same sign in the hands of guy who would be happy accepting half-eaten food, urine-free-pants, a bath.. you know, anything.



Sloth Alert: This half-assed bon mot took two lamers to write (Hi Hordin, you bloody little Hemingway you!) so that makes it half as funny as it already isn't.

3-10-09: When Bucky runs out of fat jokes or when he can't think of a good misogyny gag that's when he breaks out the material about the mentally disturbed.

So let's all have a hearty chuckle at the expense of those with deep-rooted social dysfunctions.

Takes one to know one, huh, Buck?



Regurgitation Report: Another crappy Quigmans from crappy 2004.

BTW, is this not one of the most boring comics you've ever seen?

3-11-09: Yayyy! He's financially devastated! Everyone celebrate his apocalyptic penury! Get up and dance to the rhythm of hunger and poverty! Let's give a big three cheers for his impending homelessness! And, most of all, let's all laugh heartily at this young man's dire misfortune as he'll no doubt be dead soon.

If all comics portrayed the misfortunes of the dispossessed what a happier world it would be.



Regurgitation Report: Why does the bank manager have a 9-year-old Apple iMac on his desk? Oh, that's because it's a five-year old cartoon drawn by a twit who thinks banks used iMac's and doesn't look at this cartoon's before re-submitting them.

3-12-09: There are some days when you can just tell that Bucky woke up, looked in the mirror and then said to himself "Why bother?" and then proceeded not to.

I mean, is this supposed to be a dog? A hyena? Kangaroo? If you squeench up your eyes a bit it might even resemble NBC's Alf, but it ain't.

I know this is a real stretch, but if this were a Far Side cartoon the male dog would have puked up a meaty bolus for his mate. Not only would that have been an accurate portrayal of canine behaviour but it would have made the female's delighted response disgustingly amusing.

In this case, Bucky was the one barfing things up. My, how thoughtful.

3-13-09: Ha-ha-ha! Their dog has been eaten alive by an alien! The mirth I'm feeling at the news of this grisly death of a beloved family pet is almost uncontainable! I'm laughing myself sick at the idea of this creature's razor-sharp mandibles rending the flesh off the living carcass of the helpless canine! I'm filled with sadistic glee at the notion of the searing pain the puppy must have felt as its organs were chewed to pulp by this hideous demon from another world. Waves of jubilation pound my senses as I visualize the last conscious remains of Fido slowly asphyxiating in the monster's craw!

I mean, it's not MY dog that got eaten, okay? No skin off my nose.



Regurgitation Report: Ahhhh! The scent of Zip-A-Tone! This could only mean another retread Quigmans.

3-14-09: Bucky Hinkteron, comic genius, misunderstands how humor works again.

The guy on the right should have been normal-looking, even handsome which, when juxtaposed against the giant skin blemish, would have made him understandably self-conscious. But with a horsy over-bite, early-onset baldness (emphasized by an uneven military buzz-cut) and a head the size and shape of a ten-dollar watermelon the freckle is almost the last thing anyone would notice.

Or, alternatively, the ugly mug could have had one small freckle and his complaint would be that it was the first thing that people noticed. Riiiiiiight.

And, grammatically speaking, the man is actually saying "I see you have got freckles." Thus the Lebanese Fry-Cook Syndrome strikes again.

One more thing: This is yet another example of Bucky drawing two people at a bar, the 17th this year, for no other reason than he's too lazy to draw people from the waist down.

You suck, Buck.



Regurgitation Report: This cartoon has now made the syndicated rounds three times. First on11-16-2000, the second time on 6-12-04 and now today, 3-14-09. Rather than show you a thumbnail of the original I'd like to show you a close-up of this cartoon through the years:



The year 2000 freckle sported a big, fat wad of Zip-A-Tone shading. In the 2004 version the adhesive on the Zip-A-Tone had clearly worn out and so the tone had disappeared, at which point Bucky said "Who cares?" and handed it back in as is. The third version shows Bucky's recent predilection towards thrift as he's ceased employing shading sheet and is shading by hand, as he should always have been doing.

3-16-09: I'm a peaceful kinda guy but I wanted, badly, to inflict serious bodily injury upon Buddy Hickerson immediately after having read this comic as it promulgates the BIG LIE told by Wall Street that poor people were to blame for the sub-prime crisis. This crisis was all about greed in the banking biz, not any possibly nefarious intent on the part of poor families. You can read Newsweek's cogent analysis on Wall Street's cynical attempt to avoid blame here.

In addition, stories are now popping up that lenders like Wells Fargo and HSBC were forcing sub-prime mortgages on black families who otherwise had good credit. You can read the LA Times report here.

You're an ignorant tool, Buddy. Stick to fat jokes, you pathetic twerp.

If you're as incensed about this as I am, why not share your opinion with Buddy:
buddy hickerson@sbcglobal.net

And while you're at it, let his syndicate hear from you, too:
info@creators.com

3-17-09: You know why bums are so amusing? It's because they're ignorant and grotesque and unwashed and quite liable to die balled-up in a knot of dead cats in an alley of an infection that could otherwise be easily prevented with soap and water.

How delightfully droll.

Those of us more cosmopolitan can count on achieving a smug thrill as we watch them go to ridiculous lengths in order to acquire small amounts of loose change. Yes, it's wonderful indeed to have these pathetic wretches about in order to deftly cast our savoir fare and elan into sharp relief.

Ah, bums. Your suffering makes me happy.

You suck, Buddy.

3-18-09: And I have a connection with coprophiliac.com, deadskunk.com, catpuke.com, gayrepublican.com, rotten.com, racistasshole.com, dickcheese.com, realdoll.com, hugecunt.com, jewsforjesus.com, psychicchicken.com, buddyhickerson.com and millions and millions of other sites. Thankfully, they're just internet connections.

So, Mr. "Too-Pathetic-To-Dress", big fuggin' deal.


Regurgitation Report: This recycled Quigmans cartoon hails from....

2006?!!!

That's really odd. It seems to indicate that Bucky actually got off the couch, walked across the room, dug through the pile of old Quigmans cartoons and assorted empty jars of anal lube and purposefully chose a cartoon for a year that wasn't 2004.

Wow. I'm impressed.

3-19-09: Whatever you say, lady. Now what did you do with my punchline?



Regurgitation Report: So is this how it's gonna be from now on, Bucky? You're now intentionally recycling the crappiest old Quigmans possible just to get a rise out of me.

Man, are you fucked up.

You're lucky you happened to stumble into the one job in America where failure isn't quantifiable. As long as one single paper has one single reader with one single functioning brain cell who still looks forward to the Quigmans every morning then you can still call yourself a syndicated cartoonist.

Uhhhh... yeah.

Your situation is not unlike those retarded little league baseball associations where every kid gets a trophy at the end of the season, regardless of how many pop flies they allowed to land harmlessly amongst the daisies. I realize that's a bit rough on the kids but at least they were out in that field, providing a little shade for the fire ants, if nothing else.

You, by comparison, were at the concession stand cadging free hot dogs, pretending to sign autographs and working on your home run trot.

Yerrrr OUTTA here!

3-20-09: So, Buddy, the idea of retirees who've lost their pensions to greedy corporations and who will now be forced to eat dog food in order to survive is funny to you?

Fuck you, Buddy! Fuck you, Buddy! Fuck you, Buddy! Fuck you, Buddy! Fuck you, Buddy! Fuck you, Buddy! Fuck you, Buddy! Fuck you, Buddy! Fuck you, Buddy! Fuck you, Buddy! Fuck you, Buddy! Fuck you, Buddy! Fuck you, Buddy! Fuck you, Buddy! Fuck you, Buddy! Fuck you, Buddy! Fuck you, Buddy! Fuck you, Buddy! Fuck you, Buddy! Fuck you, Buddy! Fuck you, Buddy! Fuck you, Buddy! Fuck you, Buddy! Fuck you, Buddy! Fuck you, Buddy! Fuck you, Buddy! Fuck you, Buddy! Fuck you, Buddy! Fuck you, Buddy! Fuck you, Buddy! Fuck you, Buddy! Fuck you, Buddy! Fuck you, Buddy! Fuck you, Buddy! Fuck you, Buddy! Fuck you, Buddy! Fuck you, Buddy! Fuck you, Buddy! Fuck you, Buddy! Fuck you, Buddy! Fuck you, Buddy! Fuck you, Buddy! Fuck you, Buddy! Fuck you, Buddy! Fuck you, Buddy! Fuck you, Buddy! Fuck you, Buddy! Fuck you, Buddy! Fuck you, Buddy! Fuck you, Buddy! Fuck you, Buddy! Fuck you, Buddy! Fuck you, Buddy! Fuck you, Buddy! Fuck you, Buddy! Fuck you, Buddy! Fuck you, Buddy! Fuck you, Buddy! Fuck you, Buddy! Fuck you, Buddy! Fuck you, Buddy! Fuck you, Buddy! Fuck you, Buddy! Fuck you, Buddy! Fuck you, Buddy! Fuck you, Buddy! Fuck you, Buddy! Fuck you, Buddy! Fuck you, Buddy! Fuck you, Buddy! Fuck you, Buddy! Fuck you, Buddy! Fuck you, Buddy! Fuck you, Buddy! Fuck you, Buddy! Fuck you, Buddy! Fuck you, Buddy! Fuck you, Buddy! Fuck you, Buddy! Fuck you, Buddy! Fuck you, Buddy! Fuck you, Buddy! Fuck you, Buddy! Fuck you, Buddy! Fuck you, Buddy! Fuck you, Buddy! Fuck you, Buddy! Fuck you, Buddy! Fuck you, Buddy! Fuck you, Buddy! Fuck you, Buddy! Fuck you, Buddy! Fuck you, Buddy! Fuck you, Buddy! Fuck you, Buddy! Fuck you, Buddy! Fuck you, Buddy! Fuck you, Buddy! Fuck you, Buddy! Fuck you, Buddy! Fuck you, Buddy! Fuck you, Buddy! Fuck you, Buddy! Fuck you, Buddy! Fuck you, Buddy! Fuck you, Buddy! Fuck you, Buddy! Fuck you, Buddy! Fuck you, Buddy! Fuck you, Buddy! Fuck you, Buddy! Fuck you, Buddy! Fuck you, Buddy! Fuck you, Buddy! Fuck you, Buddy! Fuck you, Buddy! Fuck you, Buddy! Fuck you, Buddy! Fuck you, Buddy! Fuck you, Buddy! Fuck you, Buddy! Fuck you, Buddy! Fuck you, Buddy! Fuck you, Buddy! Fuck you, Buddy! Fuck you, Buddy! Fuck you, Buddy! Fuck you, Buddy! Fuck you, Buddy! Fuck you, Buddy! Fuck you, Buddy! Fuck you, Buddy! Fuck you, Buddy! Fuck you, Buddy! Fuck you, Buddy! Fuck you, Buddy! Fuck you, Buddy! Fuck you, Buddy! Fuck you, Buddy! Fuck you, Buddy! Fuck you, Buddy! Fuck you, Buddy! Fuck you, Buddy! Fuck you, Buddy! Fuck you, Buddy! Fuck you, Buddy! Fuck you, Buddy! Fuck you, Buddy! Fuck you, Buddy! Fuck you, Buddy! Fuck you, Buddy! Fuck you, Buddy! Fuck you, Buddy! Fuck you, Buddy! Fuck you, Buddy! Fuck you, Buddy! Fuck you, Buddy! Fuck you, Buddy! Fuck you, Buddy! Fuck you, Buddy! Fuck you, Buddy! Fuck you, Buddy! Fuck you, Buddy! Fuck you, Buddy! Fuck you, Buddy! Fuck you, Buddy! Fuck you, Buddy! Fuck you, Buddy!



Regurgitation Report: Fuck you, Buddy! Fuck you, Buddy! Fuck you, Buddy! Fuck you, Buddy! Fuck you, Buddy! Fuck you, Buddy! Fuck you, Buddy! Fuck you, Buddy! Fuck you, Buddy! Fuck you, Buddy! Fuck you, Buddy! Fuck you, Buddy! Fuck you, Buddy! Fuck you, Buddy! Fuck you, Buddy! Fuck you, Buddy! Fuck you, Buddy! Fuck you, Buddy! Fuck you, Buddy! Fuck you, Buddy! Fuck you, Buddy! Fuck you, Buddy! Fuck you, Buddy! Fuck you, Buddy! Fuck you, Buddy! Fuck you, Buddy! Fuck you, Buddy! Fuck you, Buddy! Fuck you, Buddy! Fuck you, Buddy! Fuck you, Buddy! Fuck you, Buddy! Fuck you, Buddy! Fuck you, Buddy! Fuck you, Buddy! Fuck you, Buddy! Fuck you, Buddy! Fuck you, Buddy! Fuck you, Buddy! Fuck you, Buddy! Fuck you, Buddy! Fuck you, Buddy! Fuck you, Buddy! Fuck you, Buddy! Fuck you, Buddy! Fuck you, Buddy! Fuck you, Buddy! Fuck you, Buddy! Fuck you, Buddy! Fuck you, Buddy! Fuck you, Buddy! Fuck you, Buddy! Fuck you, Buddy! Fuck you, Buddy! Fuck you, Buddy! Fuck you, Buddy! Fuck you, Buddy! Fuck you, Buddy! Fuck you, Buddy! Fuck you, Buddy! Fuck you, Buddy! Fuck you, Buddy! Fuck you, Buddy! Fuck you, Buddy! Fuck you, Buddy! Fuck you, Buddy! Fuck you, Buddy! Fuck you, Buddy! Fuck you, Buddy! Fuck you, Buddy! Fuck you, Buddy! Fuck you, Buddy! Fuck you, Buddy! Fuck you, Buddy! Fuck you, Buddy! Fuck you, Buddy! Fuck you, Buddy! Fuck you, Buddy! Fuck you, Buddy! Fuck you, Buddy! Fuck you, Buddy! Fuck you, Buddy! Fuck you, Buddy! Fuck you, Buddy! Fuck you, Buddy! Fuck you, Buddy! Fuck you, Buddy! Fuck you, Buddy!

3-21-09: I'm going to be very quiet for a few minutes and try to imagine an FBI so technically inept that it's unable to tell who you're talking to on the phone. I mean everything about the other person. Every. Single. Little. Detail.

(minutes pass)

Nope, can't do it.

You suck, Buddy.



Regurgitation Report: Bucky must be getting low on old 2004 Quigmans as these last two have been from 2005.

3-23-09: It's Monday, kiddies, which means it's "Bucky Hinkerton Pretends To Be A Big-Time Syndicated Cartoonist" Day. As opposed to the other six days of the week which are now officially "Another Recycled Quigmans? What Else Is New?" Day.

And although this is a new Queegmans comic it's just another in a long series of examples of one of Bucky's lame-ass specialities... the Puppet Show premise. (Essentially, this situation saves him from having to draw the characters from the waist down) Just imagine this guy spouting this same inane, meaningless dialogue (I won't even speculate about this 'trendy' business') except with someone's hand up his butt just a-flappin' away at his mouth.

Seriously, why does Bunky even bother re-drawing this same dumb situation? Why not take the two fish from 3-6-09 and slap a new punchline on it and be done with it.

Unless, of course, he's just doing a caricature of some waitress he's desperate to fuck.

Won't be the first time. Or the last.

3-24-09:

She: "I think that cartoonist over there is a sadistic cretin."

He: "How can you tell?"

She: "I think it is because he uses the pain and suffering of others in order to get cheap laughs."

He: "My, that is disconcerting. What can be done about this noxious imbecile? "

She: "I am afraid very little. Let us just hope that he does not breed."

He: "Oh. Thank you for that mental image. I am now the one that is choking."

Both: "Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!"

3-25-09: You know how when something important happens in a person's life, an event which completely overwhelms their senses, like a new child or a trip to an exotic locale, and they simply will not shut up about it?

That's why the subject of collection agencies in this comic makes me very, very happy.

Heh.

And how exactly does one turn a marriage over to a collection agency? Is there a potential buyer? Is there to be an auction for it on the steps of the town square on Monday morning? The notion is about as cogent as saying you need to refinance the marriage. Shrug.

3-26-09: This is the fourth new Quigmans cartoon in a row, and all (apparently) written by Bucky. This is the first time this has happened in years.

Literally YEARS.

The gag itself is hardly original. A quick Google check reveals the phrase "the hokey-pokey is what it's all about" has appeared on-line almost 16,000 times. You can buy t-shirts, calendars, possibly even 20" double-ended dildos with the phrase emblazoned handsomely in raised ink (for her sensual pleasure, of course).

I'd take even bets that's where he borrowed it. The phrase, that is. Get your own dildo.

One final quibble: The "guru" has a halo. Since when do guru's have halo's? This is sort of like drawing Jesus with a top hat.

3-27-09: First Stupid thing: Why mention that the client is innocent. All client's are innocent until proven guilty.

Second Stupid Thing: It sounds like the lawyer routinely tells juries that his client is guilty, too. Not the sign of a good lawyer, incidentally.

Third Stupid Thing: The line about "ten thousand bucks" is cute, but the logic of the declaration indicates the lawyer would willingly work for a Canadian penny as long as he could remain in bed. Whatever floats yer boat there, cap'n.

Fourth Stupid Thing: The line also seems to rule out being paid $9,999.99, too.

Fifth Stupid Thing: Me having to point any of this out.


Regurgitation Report: Poor Bunky. His Genius Machine conked out after a mere four cartoons and we're back to reruns.

3-28-09: <Sniff-sniff>

What's that awful smell?

Oh, NO! It's PANTS PUNS!

"Button your lip, lady!", "Let's get to the seat of the matter","I need a man with deep pockets", "I'll bet those legs go all the way up", "We seam to be made for each other", "Denim? I hardly even knew 'im", "We can never marry, for I'm a man of the cloth", "Of course I'm part indian...I'm 1/4 a-patch-y", "Man, am I ever waisted", "I've taken quite a cotton to you", "We all put our pants on one leg at a time. Except for me", "Remember; I wear the pants in this family", "Zip it, pal!", "I'm not depressed. I'm just a little blue."

Yawn.

That took a whole two minutes. Hard work this gag-writing business... if you have no standards....Bucky.


Regurgitation Report: Well, it's official... 2005 is the new 2004 as far as recycled Quig cartoons are concerned.

3-30-09: After he, was subsequently pounded to, a pulp Smedly discovered, that love also makes, you stupid. Not unlike the, guy, who writes, and punctuates, these jokes.

3-31-09: You DO know what a "man of letters" is, right? It's a description of an intellectual, but this joke only marginally works if you happen to know that Bob Quigman, the guy in front of the mailbox, is a total shlub.

You DO know who Bob Quigman is, right?

Didn't think so.



Sloth Alert: Ah! I see Bucky has made some new friends at his job at Taco Bell. Evidently his new buddy, Jeff Miletich, regards himself as somewhat of a wag as the fastest burrito-assembler in North Hollywood wrote this addled jape. Keep the day job, Jeff, because it's already been done. (See next paragraph.)

Regurgitation Report: I'm a trifle puzzled by this comic. It's Bob Quigman and, yet, Bucky hasn't created an original Quigmans cartoon featuring Bob in ages. But the cartoon is not in my records although approximately the same type of gag regarding men of letters was used by Bucky back in 2001:



So I'm guessing that Bob's unexpected appearance means that Bucky is making a desperate attempt to reconnect with his core audience. Good luck with that, Buckshot.