9-1-09: "You're still going to die, of course, but now it'll take a lot longer and be a much more excrutiatingly painful event. See ya in Hell, sucker!"

9-2-09: Fruit Fuckers.

No one likes to talk about it but it happens more often than you think. If you ever wondered why that banana is suddenly covered in bruises or why that cantaloupe is mysteriously mushy in the center or why the mushrooms are covered in white goo... well, perhaps I've said too much.



Sloth Alert: Zip-A-Tone shading. It's almost like watching someone dial a rotary phone.

9-3-09: Eddie the bartender liked to keep a giant fake book of matches sitting around so he could make jokes about "lighting the place up" or "starting something". He also had a giant doorknob over by the pickled eggs because, as he said, "It's just big."

Eddie later left for Nebraska, never to be seen again, in search of dancing barns and bands made of rubber. The giant novelty items were given to Jehovah's Witnesses. Serves 'em both right.

9-4-09: This is obviously a case of writing what you know.

I can just see Bucky Hinkerton, creator of the Quigmans, trolling the online community, impressing innocent fraulines with his tales of artistic derring-do, at last convincing one to meet him at some casual corner bistro. The meeting goes initially well but then the moment comes when he has to confess that his singular claim to artistic fame is the Quigmans.

She is puzzled. "What is this Quigmans?" she asks.

He hems, he haws, and finally pulls out a frayed, dog-eared copy of a 15-year-old Quigmans book.

She flips slowly through the pages, panic playing around her mouth as she fights to maintain a smile, apalled by the misogyny, the cruelty and the crude quality of the artwork.

At last she sets the book down, mumbles something about a dental appointment and then is gone is a blast of ozone and indignation.

Bucky sits quietly for a moment, pushing around a broccoli floret absently before suddenly brightening.

"Twitter!" he exhults. "They don't know me there!"

9-5-09: According to the Bible, all angels are either male or sexless, so this is probably Gabriel with a boob job.

Have a great time, Chuck.

9-7-09: I'm forgetting it like it was never here.

Sloth Alert: This was written by Bucky's little pal, Angela Gygi. The superfluous "L" is for "I can't give you anything but Love, baby."

9-8-09: Not only is his tail still twitching but now, as a result of all the drugs, he's suffering from changes in appetite; changes in sexual desire; constipation; dizziness; drowsiness; dry mouth; increased saliva production; lightheadedness; tiredness; trouble concentrating; unsteadiness; weight changes; seizures; nausea; tremors; weight change; nosebleeds; uneven heartbeat; sweating; hallucinations; diarrhea; high fever;hostility; painful menstrual periods; blurred vision; and dark urine.

Worst of all, he's in a Quigmans cartoon.



Upchuck Update: Man... this corpse is so fresh it's still twitching. Only three years old.

9-9-09: All of us here at Quigmans.com want to extend our thanks to little Billy Watson for creating this wonderful joke, and to his mommy for helping him write all those big, big words.

The Quigmans don't usually use jokes written by 8-year-olds but it was obviously so superior to the usual crappola Bucky coughs up that there was no real alternative. It was either this or another pun about the mentally handicapped.

9-10-09: "And since I'd like my new friend to write jokes for the Quigmans, be sure and slop on an extra helping of tripe. Hold the brains."



Upchuck Update: You know how the turkey looks by November 26th? When there's nothing left but bones, a few scraps of tough, dessicated meat and a carrot medallion or two? Well that's what the 2004 edition of the Quigmans looks like as Bucky has systematically picked that year almost clean. Why the recycling of 2004 material above all others is a puzzle as they're hardly the apogee of Hickerton hilarity but that's a pretty low orbit, and one that's rapidly decaying.

9-11-09: There are times when I need to go on at great lengths to decipher for you, dear reader, the obvious imbicility inherent in the Quigmans.

Not today.



An Open Message to Angela Gygi:

Dear Angela: In case you haven't noticed, every Quigmans cartoon that uses one of your off-the-cuff remarks as a gag sucks total ass.

Total. Ass.

To be fair, it's not your fault that your jokes are timid reflections of actual humor as you're obviously not a professional humorist, nor even an amateur one, for that matter. (Are there ANY funny Scientologists?)

Since I'm not a cog in this creative process I'm going to broadly assume that Bucky is humoring you for reasons I care not to conjecture upon but, whatever the reason, it's not fair to the comics-reading public to have to endure these lousy cartoons just because you lack the good sense to tell Bucky to knock it off and do his own homework.

Think of it as telling your best friend he has bad breath. In the short run there will be a certain degree of personal enmity but, in the long run, everyone benefits.

Well, actually, the Quigmans will still stink, but it won't be YOUR breath we're smelling.

Love,

=Mike=

9-12-09: I see a beer, chips, an assortment of mismatched clothing... a profoundly lazy person, by definition, would be nude and starving unless he found someone to feed and dress him. Not even likely.

Now try this... remove the word "profoundly" and then read the dialogue again. See? The word "profoundly" is totally immaterial to the 'jest'. In fact, nearly any adverb ending in -ly would do. (Try it at home! It's fun!) And this is profoundly idiotic because the joke is really about the word "profoundly".

This is the Lebanese Fry-Cook Syndrome at work... again.

Please, somebody, direct Bucky to dictionary.com before he embarrasses himself... again.



Upchuck Update: Nothing to see here, folks. Just another retread from four years ago. Move along. Move along.

9-14-09: Ten Twitters?

Is that supposed to be a bad thing? Why? As usual, Bucky has a little joke in his head that he forgot to write down.

And what's the deal with the robe? Was Moses up there in the Hollywood Hills beyond the limits of his colostomy bag?

9-15-09: And the boss actually said this... in front of witnesses?

Really?

Noooo... this is just Bucky's puerile vision of life in the corporate sector, one evidently accumulated while watching episodes of "Bewitched".

Not that Larry Tate wasn't one bad muthuh.



Puke Patrol: It stretches credulity that there can remain a Quigmans cartoon from 2004 that hasn't yet been recycled over the past five years but, dang, if Bucky didn't dig deep enough into the dark, greasy bowels of his enigmatic filing system to drag out a sure loser.

9-16-09: I'm starting to believe that Bucky is developing intentionally ghastly and pointless cartoons just to see what I'll write about them.

What else could it be?

I mean, this comic isn't funny in the least, it's downright unpleasant to look at and the patina of melancholy that coats it like vomit on a suede jacket is the rancid icing on the cake... if the cake were roadkill sent COD from a leper colony.



Sloth Alert: I really hate it when Angela Gygi writes the day's joke, as this one is. Not so much because she's terrible at it, but because Bucky is so much more fun to eviscerate.

9-17-09: Yawn.

Bucky Hinkerton, originator of the Quigmans, is an <ahem> artist. He's also a computer feeb, not to mention a dork. That's why he thinks a computer in and of itself is the same as automating. It isn't. Using a computer is "going digital", replacing human physical labor with mechanical labor is automating.

Good night, everybody.



Upchuck Update: As you can see, this a three-time loser, although I suspect this cartoon originated well before 2000. My records are a bit vague on this.

Oddly enough, the 2000 version was re-drawn in 2001 but Bucky reverted to the 2000 version today. The doctor's name has changed over the years as well, beginning with Dr. Tensly in 2000, then becoming Dr. Lotus in 2001 (who was installing an Intel processor) before bottoming-out as Dr. Teasly.

9-18-09: When Sarah Palin ran for vice-president it was a train wreck.

When George Bush and Dick Cheney ran the economy it was two train wrecks.

This is three train wrecks. A lame TV show plus a freak-show reproductive sensation plus a pointless gag written by the one-and-only Gygi. All wrapped up in one stunningly lousy Quigmans cartoon.

Make that four train wrecks.



Sloth Alert: Yes, it's another gag created by Angela Gygi. If this is the best Bucky can do, perhaps he ought to go back to repeats.

9-19-09: The reason we read comics is not so much for the little chuckle it gives us as much as it is the insight it provides.

So, thanks, Bucky, for reminding us that romantic entanglements with poisonous-barb-tipped mutants might be a questionable idea.



Upchuck Update: And thus the rape of 2004 continues.

9-21-09: I've always suspected that Bucky didn't have the correct number of chromosomes.

This cartoon pretty much confirms it as only a chimp could crap out something like this and fling it at his audience.

9-22-09: "This is my cartoon, the Quigmans. It has a weak premise."

Bucky seems to be dwelling under the peculiar impression that it's our chins, and not our spines, that keep keep our heads erect.

Ooooh-kay.

Somebody buy this twit a human anatomy book, and make it a chimp-friendly edition.

Poor little monkey-boy cartoonist.



Upchuck  Update: Hurray!

This is officially the 100th cartoon from 2003 that Bucky has re-used over the years!

I should probably sing some special song about sloth and indolence in its honor but, frankly, I'm a little nauseous.

9-23-09: Do ya think that maybe seeing a strange, oddly nervous man standing behind the guy currently asking you to toss his salad might put a girl off just a little bit?

File this one under "Creeeeee-py".



Upchuck  Update: Uh-oh!

This makes the 101st Quigmans cartoon recycled from 2003. At this rate Bucky will be having to recycle the jokes from 2002 by 2010.

Be nauseous... be very nauseous.

9-24-09: This gag is originally from March of 2001 (see below) and it was attempting to be timely about the future of books  in the face of the internet onslaught.

It's now eight years later and the only thing hindering the book-reading public is the lack of actual money with which to buy them. In fact, thanks to books about Harry Potter and vegetarian vampires more kids than ever are reading. So the attempt at humor.... failed.

Social commentators said the same thing about radio in the 20s and about TV in the 50s, that those leaps in technologies would destroy the publishing industry. Those persons were as numb-skulled then as Bucky and the writer of this gag, Angela Szyszka, are now.

Book 'em, Dano.



Upchuck  Update/Sloth Alert: Not only is this a repeat from deep within the bowels of 2001, it's also another attempt at humor by Bucky's ex-bunkmate, Angelea Szyszka.

9-25-09: Women are also, according to Bucky Hinkerton, vicious harpies.

Way to appeal to that female demographic, Buck.

9-26-09: You know what's pathetically amusing? Watching chimps or seals performing music.

Or old people.

They're all so simple-minded and laughable, you see. (Note: This generalization does not include the Rolling Stones but does include the Beach Boys.)

Way to appeal to that older demographic, Bucky.


Upchuck Update: "You people ready to read a really old cartoon?!"

9-28-09: Yes, Bucky, you're getting old. Your face resembles a road map of the sewers of Islamabad, your prostate's the size and consistency of Anne Coulter's ego, your weiner is on vacation more than George Bush and the best gag you can conceive is a lame pun on the word "affair".

That's really pushing the old creative envelope there, Bucky. Are you sure your readers can handle such advanced lexicology?

Frankly, I don't wanna know.

9-29-09: Johnson is gay. Murdock is about the beat the holy crap out of him. Now that's comedy.


Upchuck Update: Not only was this cartoon used twice before, and the last time just about one year ago, the same "reinforcement" joke was used three times in a wholly different cartoon. (see below).

So this makes SIX times the same gag has been used over the years. Now that's some serious regurgitatin'.

What's odd is that Bucky re-drew the cartoon in 2008, to absolutely no new effect, but today he re-used the original 2005 art. Shrug.

9-30-09: Dogs, cats and babies are pests? Since when? Seems to me that a guy in a sticky sweat suit is a much larger nuisance.



Sloth Alert:  Gag written by Parkin. Not Bucky. Parkin.

Upchuck Update: This makes at least the third time this cartoon has appeared, and each was syndicated by a different company. LA Times Syndicate in '99, Tribune Media Services in '04 and Creators Syndicate Today.

Yes, the Quigmans... the comic nobody wants.

One more thing, back in 1987 I wrote a Quigmans joke about velcro puppies. It was essentially the same gag and here it is from an old microfiche. You can just make out my name, "Stanfill", on the right edge. I'm not suggesting Parkin stole from me. I'm just showing how Bucky recycles EVERYTHING.